bluesjay

[bluesyjayParticipant]

Hi Gail,

thank you so much for asking….this is so strange

I have not been in here for a while…

all of a sudden, just today I felt something bringing me here

and the first thing I saw was this!!!!!

It really does sound like a strange coincidence but I promise it’s true….

spooky

I am in fact not really doing well at all, and I am tired of seeing myself writing it, or hearing myself saying it

so I just cannot bring myself to communicate anymore much

I just feel like an endless huge disappointment to myself and to others

and I feel I just cannot seem to explain, to myself and to others, how I keep making huge progress only to fall back worse

in every area of my life

not giving up

still trying very hard

just fed up with myself, feeling like an inconsistent fraud with myself and tired of saying whatever I try when I then just fall back and undo it all

I have not been here so I have no idea how everyone is, and I still do not feel the mental strength to read and answer

I hope you are well

and I hope that all the lovely community is well

sending all Love and Light

and thank you again Gail

[chaosqueenParticipant]

I am restarting the mindset reset program as I feel like I got some of the days confused Even just watching a couple of days out of order already helped me so much to be more conscious about how I loot at myself. Care to join me bluseyjay?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnIPOFgO9xM&t=7s

[OddsocksParticipant]

I’ll do a short reply,as that may be as much as you can manage, then a longer that you can read sometime if you want to. Of course, I dont know you, so apologies in advance if I say things that arent relevant

The first thing to say is that I certainly know how that is!

*Well done for not giving up, despite feeling so grim*! Praise yourself about that!

You can stop reading here if you just cant face much reading

Praise yourself rather than blaming yourself eg

Quote:

endless huge disappointment to myself and to others

which just makes you feel worse- a viscous circle. Has anyone said that you are a huge disappointment? I can see that could be tough. If not then maybe they don’t see you that way?

Being so hard about yourself for some people is linked with having depression? I don’t know if that would apply for you. Its relevant as something like counselling might be helpful. But maybe how you are feeling doesn’t mean having depression- just having to work so hard to keep yourself going.

Making progress and then falling down worse can happen. You are having to cope with hard things, and that isn’t necessarily a smooth path to staying OK?

I hope I haven’t written too long. Its fine not to read it or reply. Dont feel you cant post here about how you are getting on. I certainly wont get fed up with that.

Be kind to yourself. And well done not giving up!

[GailMorleyParticipant]

Strange coincidence indeed! I know exactly how you feel. It feels never ending too. Many times I want to give up and give in. Not do anything because it’s all too overwhelming. As in what’s the point/I can’t see where I’ve been/I’ve already done this before/ it’s always going to be like this so what’s the point, why bother etc etc. Sometimes I can’t cope and I do nothing, but then I figure if I don’t do it, it will stay the same, which of course I don’t want. I can visualise each room as I want it, but because I can’t get rid of things, it doesn’t improve much. I’ve very good at putting like with like. I’m a very logical and analyse constantly. The weird thing is, I’m actually underneath all this a TIDY person! Can you believe it? :shock: All my drawers and cupboards are tidy and everything has it’s place….I sit there and think of how useless I am, and all the other words a person with low self esteem says to themselves. Then at some point I remember something a friend said to me years ago, “you’re stronger than you think you are”. Eventually I start sorting the house again. I go in spurts too. It must all depend on my state of mind. We are all here for each other. Do whatever you feel you need to do (or not do) but never give up on yourself

[chaosqueenParticipant]

And where did you vanish to GailMorely? Hope you are okay!

[GailMorleyParticipant]

I’m still here! I check for new posts every day. I’m not in a good place. Declared fit for work, had to move over to Universal Credit, lost nearly £100 a month in the process. I filled a form in in February and had an assessment in May. Because I’m not on a different benefit, I have to do the whole thing again. The form is identical, the criteria will be identical, and then I will be found fit for work again. I have a work coach. She’s lovely. Whilst I’m waiting for the assessment I’ve been told to look for voluntary work. I’m supposed to search for two hours a week. I have a sick note which covers me till the end of August. When I’m found fit for work again, the work coach will up the ante, I just don’t know what to at the moment. Massive amount of stress going on since May (benefit related), poorly pets, dying pets, Dad’s dementia. Everything that can go wrong has done, and is continuing to do so. I listened to the Clutter Chronicles recently. I suppose it gives you hope that there can be a way out of it al. I’m hoping some of it will rub off on me.

[bluesyjayParticipant]

I am so sorry to read this Gail,

I did not post again on here because the the name of the thread makes me feel self-conscious but I did on my thread

is there anything that we can do to help in any way, at least as a support in here?

what are the clutter chronicles?

sending you healing thoughts at every level

and a big hug

[GailMorleyParticipant]

I could maybe have made the title a little less obvious I can understand why you feel self-conscious about it. I’m not sure what help could be given. I know I need to get rid of a LOAD of stuff, and I don’t seem to be able to do it. I can visualise how my house would look but… I know I need to change my mindset, and I accept it’s slow going. As we all know, it’s overwhelming a lot of the time. Plus the lower you feel, the harder it is even to start. Add the vertigo into the mix…The Clutter Chronicles are really interesting. It follows Mary over a period of time. She is interviewed by Lori. The rapport between the two is fantastic. There are fifty three podcasts, and another one due in the near future. It’s interesting to see how Mary overcomes her thought processes etc. There are times when you feel sad for her, but there are loads of laugh out loud moments as well. I binge watched the whole lot in a few days. The Clutter Chronicles were mentioned on another post on here. That’s how I knew about them. Thank you for your healing thoughts, and the big hug.

[bluesyjayParticipant]

I totally get it, same here, A LOT to process and let go of, I know I need to, not sure I want to

not feeling well makes it hard to even start

yet every time I manage to get a step done I feel a little better

is there a small tiny space you could focus on? maybe sitting?

[bluesyjayParticipant]

will look for the clutter chronicles now thank you for sharing!

[chaosqueenParticipant]

I think the thread has a great name!

Mindset is key! I am no longer a hoarder! :lol: I am a person who can part with things. At least that’S what I tell myself and believe it or not. It is working. On small scale but hey, I’ll take it. Sorry to hear things are rough at the moment!

[bluesyjayParticipant]

great it is working CQ!

yes mindset is key totally

I have started listening to the chronicles…

THANK YOU GAIL!!

I am on the second one, and I can relate to everything she is saying

about “unbelonging” being different and feeling ashamed about it

about not having the “object constancy” which is something I have discovered a long time ago also not having

and in my case was related to always being immersed in an everchanging, unstable intense emotionally charged atmoshpere

no consistency outside, and no capacity inside of me to “hold on” to the good, the soothing

and so many other things she talks about as well

it is extremely interesting…

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