Children of hoarders in the UK

[isa]

Dear Rosie I too found this site after watching the programme and was moved by it.I too was a child who lived with a mother who was a hoarder and I too was not happy bringing friends home and did feel sad about this.She was an amazing woman but I believe because shehad horrible experiences in the war(she was a Polish refugee and with members of her family was made by the Russians to walk through Siberia where her father and other brothers died.On coming to England she met and married a professional man,so from having nothing she could buy and buy and hoard.When she died my sister and a friend had to get rid of loads of things so I do understandMy daughter especially is the opposite, I have moments were I hoard things at the moment I collect Dvds but have no time to watch them clothes too.I do not think I will be a hoarder but I do see how I could become one so I have to be very disiplined.

[jpflower]

Hi Rosie,

I’ve just watched ‘My Hoarder Mum and Me’ this evening. I’m amazed as for the first time in my life, I’ve come across other people that have or are having the same experience as me. I always thought I was the only one but it now appears I’m not and although I’m still sad that my parents live the way they do, I feel a sense of relief that I’m not the only one with parents who hoard.

I’d love to share experiences and I’d also like to speak with people that have made progress. I really don’t know where to start with my parents. I’m 31 and I moved out of my parents house when I was 19 to live with who is now my husband. My parents used to be very house proud and I have memories of my parents decorating the whole house when my little brother was born and I was about 5. We have photos of the house looking beautiful and immaculate and photos of birthday parties at our house. From that time on, I only ever recall our house being an absolute tip with a growing collection of clothes, bedding, VHSs, video games, books and electronic goods. I had very few friends round and my parents would only allow friends that I’d known for sometime as I know they were ashamed of our house. I never had boyfriends round and the only time I did have a boyfriend round, I threw blanket sheets over the junk, painted the walls that were exposed, placed vinyl tiles over parts of the floor that could be seen and made sure my own bedroom was tidy. My husband reminds me the first time he dropped me home, he was expecting to come in for cuppa but I swiftly departed and said goodbye.

There is just so much more I could write. Things that I’ve never ever been able to share with anyone else. My parents still continue to hoard and the house is worse than ever. To the same scale as Jasmin’s mum’s. I’m always on at them and we go through cycles from me telling them I don’t want to find them dead in their house because they’ve hurt themselves and can’t move (my parents have health conditions which affect their mobility), to just avoiding the subject all together.

Anyway, I’ve got to the stage now where I have to let my parents live their lives and let them know that when they’re ready, I’m here to help them. I don’t know if they’ll ever get their house cleared. For years I’ve said about hiring a skip and clearing out but it falls on deaf ears and I live 70miles away from them now so it’s hard. I go round there once a month and either ignore it or have a little clean and tidy up but it never stays that way for long.

My little brother who is now 26 moved out of home last year and doesn’t seem as distressed as me about the situation. In fact whilst he lived at home, he hoarded too. His bedroom was packed full – you could only walk one footstep into his room and then that was it. He seems to just accept it and when I tell him he needs to go to our parent’s house to help them as he lives only 5 miles away, he treats me as though I nag.

Anyway, I’m so pleased Jasmin made this documentary as I’m going to send it to my brother to watch it so we can talk about it and then get our parents to watch it and let them know, they’re not the only ones and that when they’re ready, we can do something about their house. When that will be I don’t know but I don’t want to give up as I really want my parents to see that life can be so much nicer and easier if they made little steps in the right direction. I just want them to retire and have a nice life and for me to be able to visit them and when they eventually have grandkids, for them to be able to run around.

I think this is a wonderful support centre that has been created and just by being able to talk will be so goo for you Rosie. I have written way far too much in this post but it’s only because never in my life have I been able to talk about it! I would be happy to talk/ share experiences/ support eachother, just drop me a line.

So what are your plans now after finishing Uni? I think what kept me going whilst I lived at home was my ambition to succeed. I was really determined to do well and move out and have my own place. So at 19 I took myself out of the equation and I think it was the best thing I could have done. I was always popping home but I dealt with it better by moving out.

Anyway, I had better stop typing. I could type all night. I hope you don’t mind me bombarding you with all this. It’s just so nice to talk about it.

Warm regards,

Jen

Rosie wrote:
> Hi,
>
> I found this site today after watching ‘My Hoarder Mum and Me’. I want to
> say thank you to all involved for showing something on the BBC which struck
> a cord with me in a way I’m sure many of you reading this can understand.
>
> I am the daughter of a hoarder. I am 22 and have just moved back to my
> parents house after finishing university, a house filled with the rubbish
> (mostly magazines and newspapers) that my dad has gathered over the years.
> For as long as I can remember the house has simultaneously been a building
> site and a rubbish dump, with bare walls and loose floorboards hidden in
> places beneath the piles. I have never had any very close friends but
> instead have pushed people away to avoid revealing the horror that is our
> ‘home’. I would love more than anything to talk with someone who actually
> understands what it is like to be the child of a hoarding parent. If you’re
> a child of a hoarding parent and are in the UK, I would love to get in
> touch and have someone who understands to talk to about our experiences.
>
> Rosie

[Suzanne]

Hi Rosie
I just wanted to offer you some support but am not really in the same position as you – i am a parent who is a hoarder – but not chronically (see medical definition) – yet! I watched the programme the other night and it was a real wake up call for me. I have always considered myself to be “a bit of a hoarder” but seeing how upset Jasmine and her mum were and hearing the way her mum explained why she needed some of her stuff made me realise that I am heading that way.
As a result of watching the programme on catch up tv on Wednesday night, I spent yesterday decluttering – throwing out magazines that I have kept under the bed and various other hoarded bits of clutter, worn out shoes and old holiday brochures etc. Some I am taking to a charity shop today.I have a lot more to do and obviously can’t spend much more time on it at the moment, but one room at a time and I am determined I will get there.
Seeing the problems caused by the clutter(the effect on Jasmine and her brothers) and seeing their distress stirred me to action. Also, as I hate waste, I find it comforting to know that stuff such as magazines and newspapers can be recycled and therefore will not be wasted. Could you get your parents to watch the programme and tell them how you feel? Or reassure them that newspapers will not be wasted if recycled? This website might be a help to them too.
Wishing you well.
Suzanne x

[delidolly]

Hi Rosie,
I am 42, and I left home at 18.
My mum is the hoarder. I haven’t been “home” for over 8 years now. I have kids and even though I can say I can walk away from it…..my life is still affected every day….
It really annoys me if my kids are messy, even when my house is clean and tidy when i have friends round I’m constantly on edge and looking for mess or dusty bits!!!
The thing that hurts me most is that my mum has never explained why she’s like this, why she put us through it, and that she’s never said sorry……
My brother ( who has a car and is able to run round for her ) still goes back, so I get to know the situation of how they’re living.
At the moment I try and avoid them coming over to me…. when they come over my mum brings carrier bags full of magazines…. I try and escape into the kitchen ( to make coffee) she follows me…and…well, just hovvers, looking at me.. Ithink she’s going to say something….but she doesn’t ….just looks at me…
I know I can’t change her, so I’ve told my brother I won’t go there. I guess if one off them dies then my brother would try and get the remaining one to move somewhere smaller. …. then, we would get the chance to clean it all up. i’m resigned to having to wait.

Is there any way you can afford to move out? I did a house share for a few years when I left. Maybe you could rent a room in a house? Above all, don’t feel guilty about leaving them to it. They see it as normal…..
BTW… I’m in West London

[misslucyParticipant]

Hi Rosie
I am 39 am the daughter of a hoarder. I watched Jasmine’s programme and related to nearly all of it and was like a great release that you are not on your own with this situation.
I to pushed everyone away growing up as why was there house not like mine and could never let people in.
I have just joined this site tonight and I live in Cheshire and this is very strange talking about such a massive hidden secret in your life.
I am here for you as it does’nt get easier as time goes on as I had escaped to University and choose to live in halls just to escape and be normal but always ended up home
Don’t worry at least we know we are not alone now as I have never spoke to any one about this who has experienced this problem.
Speak to you soon Rebecca

[Helen]

My mother (a hoarder) has just died, and now begins the task I’ve both dreaded and longed for.

With the help of my sister and children, we’ve started clearing her house of junk. That’s what most of it is. There’s the odd important document or item of value. But mostly, it’s sad, dirty work as we clear away the accumulated rubbish in which only she could see value.

When we were growing up, the house was ruled by her stuff – it encroached on everyone’s bedrooms and we couldn’t have any personal space. Unfortunately the same went for our private lives – our mother wanted to possess us as she possessed all those inanimate objects. She couldn’t bear to let go, to grow, to change.

Today, we’re having a day away from The House because our lungs need a break. The dust, spores and smell are bad and we’ve all been coughing.

It gave me a wry smile to find Jasmine’s programme on iPlayer when I was preparing to start the clearance. It’s nice to hear about other children of boarders.

[Sarah40]

Hi Rosie

I am 47 and my mum is a hoarder. Living with the condition is tremendously challenging for all involved but perhaps most difficult for daughters. There is an expectation that you should be able to help, sort everything out and make everything better again. One feels the gamut of emotions love, anger, frustration, resentment, pity. It affects how you interact with people, or don’t – being ashamed of what and how ‘home’ is.

Being the daughter of a hoarder will not fail to affect how you are as a person but now that you are a young adult it doesn’t have to mar you or your future. I have struggled with my relationship with my mum for decades because of the hoarding and have only found a better balance in recent years as I have grown more realistic as to what I can and should do to help. It is not that you love them any the less but sometimes you have to take a step back, for your own sanity. For years I worried about what people would think of me for allowing my mum to live as she does but, thankfully, that sense of guilt has left me and I now have a more realistic and balanced perspective.

[JRW064]

Hi, I’m Jess, and I am currently living at university in my second year.

My mum suffers from compulsive hoarding disorder, but is in denial over the condition although it is clear for all around her that it is a serious problem.

Ever since I remember, I have lived surrounded by clutter and items that my Mum has collected. These include stamps, bottle tops, foil, books, cds, dvds from newspapers, magazines and many other things.

We have tried everything to help my Mum including a psychiatrist, social services, and the doctor, but none have been able to help, because it is really down to my Mum to say that she has a problem.

My Dad will soon be moving out of the family home, as things are getting too much for him and my brother, who still lives at home and will be doing so until he goes to university next year. He has also contemplated divorce proceedings.

It has particularly affected me, especially as a child where I was bullied, and couldn’t invite people round because I was too embarrassed. The first friend I had round was when I was 16 when the clutter had started to ease.

The biggest problem is that my Mum is paying out substantial amounts of money to put her items into storage units. We have no idea what she keeps in there, but it is a definite financial burden. She has even attempted to buy things back from the charity shop once we’ve donated it.

I hope this forum will really help myself and others to understand more about this condition.

Many Thanks.

[clairet]

Hello there,

I’m in the same position as Helen on this discussion thread, but a year down the line. Good luck with it all, Helen – it does get done eventually. And I totally understand about the coughing – I ended up using dust masks all the time.

I wish I could offer advice for people wanting to help their parents, but I honestly think that there’s not that much you can do unless they instigate it. About a month before he died, my father had finally asked me for help to sort things out, but sadly, I had to finish the job without him there.

What I find amazing is how common this problem is, but how few people talk about it. I think documentaries like Jasmine’s (that seek to understand and assist, rather than just gawp at the muddle) can only help in making it a more accepted problem. Decades ago, people with depression and eating disorders suffered in shame and silence, but now those conditions are better understood and sufferers are treated rather than being blamed or told to pull their socks up. Hopefully in the near future, the same will apply to this sad (and potentially life-threatening) problem.

I posted a blog about clearing my dad’s stuff, along with some photos:
http://claireburlington.co.uk/2011/08/21/clearing-the-decks/

Good luck, everybody.

Claire

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