- This topic has 13 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 3 years ago by
Oddsocks.
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chaosqueen
Well, sounds like your friend will lose his stuff either way. Right? Maybe it is time to think about yourself first for once. What is the time frame? The only thing I can see that might help some is help him find things he absolutely wants to keep. Like family pictures and stuff like that. Looking at this situation I am thinking:”Shouldn’t your friend be asking himself how he got YOU in this kind of situation facing eviction?” arielsmelody
Maybe the only thing to do is to try to list out the situation. What would be the best result for your friend’s stuff’? Could it go back to his own house? Is it almost all rubbish that for health and safety reasons needs to go to a tip? Could it go into rented storage?
Where does your friend live? Is it with you? Are you happy with that?
Where do you want to live? Do you want to stay in your current house? Are you happy to keep any small personal items from your friend’s stuff at your house, or do you want it all gone?
If your friend has mental health difficulties, is he on any medication? Is he willing to see a doctor and be prescribed medication?
If the answer is that you want to live in your current house, and for his stuff to be gone, what is stopping you from organising that? Is it the prospect of his reaction? If he is not willing to go on medication, and you can’t / don’t want to stop the landlord from moving his stuff, do you have emergency numbers for help? It might be that forcing the situation so that it becomes an emergency – maybe even for him to be sectioned if it is serious enough – might be the last desperate measure to get help for him.
Longtime8
He does have mental health difficulties but services either don’t know how to manage him or don’t care. He becomes unmanageable in response to most people even touching his belongings, and has physical conditions as well. This is why I am looking at ways to help him cope. There is no room in his house. There is no way he would be detained under MHA, they don’t see any problem. Oh, and I have organised removal several times, but if has always failed. Even solicitors give conflicting advice on the legal aspects of moving someone else’s property! I am sorry, I am just worried that no matter what you do in the end you will be blamed and take the brunt of it. Either the landlord evicts you, or your friend is mad at you. Ariel’s melody is definitely a lot more helpful than I am here. My main concern is WHAT ABOUT YOU? You obviously researched this dilemma. Please remember that this time the most important person in this case is you. If you are homeless you will be of no help. I shall stop rambling and will only say I really like Ariel’s questions Oddsocks
Its been said before, but just to stress the point: you could be evicted and that is totally unacceptable! And he will loose all his possessions if you were evicted, so either way they are going.
Some other thoughts, but I am very aware that they may be repitition of what other people have said already. I get confused about stacks of info (which is one factor in my hoarding!) Be clear with him that you have no control over the situation. He has- he could end up making you homeless! As before, he is going to loose some possessions. Its your landlord’s choice about removal, not yours
Ask him if there is anything that you can do to help, as an ally. His choice.
It might include things mentioned already like going through his possessions with him to look for really important things (family photos, passport)If he does ask, but then gets angry with you, then tell him that if he doesnt want that then you will stop helping. Not as a threat- just a statement of fact.
He is not loosing everythingas he has all the stuff in his house. He is going to have less overall if his stuff in your house is removed. its his choice if he swaps some things from what he has in your flat to what he has in his own home. He would probably need to remove some of the stuff from his home to make space. I’d suggest mentioning that only once or a couple of times, so you dont end up being seen as the enemy who doesnt understand? Has he been to his GP? From your message, I expect he has. If he will actually be at risk of self-harm in the process of having stuff removed, that might be worth mentioning.
Check out the information from Shelter about eviction. I am very much hoping that it doesnt become relevant, but just in case.
https://england.shelter.org.uk/ (if you are in England- they have the option to click top right for Scotland. Other UK countries may be like England- you can check) Or ring them.If you have not done so already, have a look at the ‘friends and family’ tab on this site?
Its been mentioned before more than once, but to say again you need to look after yourself!
Nana
If you can make copies of the – presumably – written notification of what your landlord intends, I’d advise making some to hand out if the day comes when this goes ahead – that person is not your friend, he is a cuckoo in the nest, and he is not your problem. If you don’t have written notification then I suggest that you ask for it, and paste several around the house so that no one can say that it has not been made clear to your unwanted intruder. This is probably the best thing, really – for you to get your house back – as long as you do not allow that parasite back inside.
You are a very kind and caring person, looking after someone in distress. Literally offering space. I can see its hard for you to be seen by him as uncaring, but stress to him that you dont have any choice. If anything he should be concerned about you keeping your flat! Charlotte99
Just to share the end of the above. The situation got worse and I was given an ultimatum from my landlord, certain items to be removed by a given date or they would start eviction proceedings. Interesting that prior to this they didn’t even try to ask me to leave. No attempts to arrange removal by my friend, so at the eleventh hour a few of us tried to take the items to storage. Every time we put something on the van he took it off. I phoned my landlord, who said “tough”. I’d spoken to mental health earlier without success. Tried the police twice, other priorities. I was very concerned about my friend’s physical health by this stage, very grey, and of course about the possibility of losing my home. He decided that we were in the wrong and phoned the police for protection from us – they came then. They took him to hospital, and told him to stay away while we cleared the house and that he was to arrange collection of the items. It took 22 person hours., we put the stuff in my garden, and I kept 10% in the house for safe-keeping.A few weeks passed, as far as I know he was living on the streets in my neighbourhood and giving that as the reason he could not arrange removal. Eventually he did book a van and I let him back in the house the night before. When we got to storage he couldn’t afford the fee, and so I said I would pay for three months, I had to sign for it. There was only enough time to move a fraction of the items and the driver arranged to come back, he seemed to have the right approach with him and I was hopeful. To cut the story shorter, no more stuff got taken to storage and he started bringing it back into my house to dry out. Then lockdown. I continued to pay. Services eventually decided that him staying in my house was not viable, and he went home. We met up almost daily for a few weeks, then he cut off all contact. I was still paying for storage, no-one would get involved, not him, his family, mental health, social services. After nearly two years of me paying for storage and no word from him we had to take it to the tip. I tried everyone I could think of in the weeks before – no response. I’d even tried not paying for the storage and sending the bill to him and a copy to mental health, but it ended up with me still having to pay plus a penalty for late payment. I sent papers and a few other important items to his address. What a terrible situation. So I am no longer under threat of losing my home, but I am sad that hoarding caused all this stress and the loss of a friend. I felt awful moving the items.
Just to share the end of the above. The situation got worse and I was given an ultimatum from my landlord, certain items to be removed by a given date or they would start eviction proceedings. Interesting that prior to this they didn’t even try to ask me to leave. No attempts to arrange removal by my friend, so at the eleventh hour a few of us tried to take the items to storage. Every time we put something on the van he took it off. I phoned my landlord, who said “tough”. I’d spoken to mental health earlier without success. Tried the police twice, other priorities. I was very concerned about my friend’s physical health by this stage, very grey, and of course about the possibility of losing my home. He decided that we were in the wrong and phoned the police for protection from us – they came then. They took him to hospital, and told him to stay away while we cleared the house and that he was to arrange collection of the items. It took 22 person hours., we put the stuff in my garden, and I kept 10% in the house for safe-keeping.A few weeks passed, as far as I know he was living on the streets in my neighbourhood and giving that as the reason he could not arrange removal. Eventually he did book a van and I let him back in the house the night before. When we got to storage he couldn’t afford the fee, and so I said I would pay for three months, I had to sign for it. There was only enough time to move a fraction of the items and the driver arranged to come back, he seemed to have the right approach with him and I was hopeful. To cut the story shorter, no more stuff got taken to storage and he started bringing it back into my house to dry out. Then lockdown. There were a couple more occasions when we took more stuff to the unit. I continued to pay. Services eventually decided that him staying in my house was not viable, and he went home. We met up almost daily for a few weeks, then he cut off all contact. I was still paying for storage, no-one would get involved, not him, his family, mental health, social services. After nearly two years of me paying for storage and no word from him we had to take it to the tip. I tried everyone I could think of in the weeks before – no response. I’d even tried not paying for the storage and sending the bill to him and a copy to mental health, but it ended up with me still having to pay plus a penalty for late payment. I sent papers and a few other important items to his address. What a terrible situation. So I am no longer under threat of losing my home, but I am sad that hoarding caused all this stress and the loss of a friend. I felt awful moving the items.
I give you permission to breath in and out and let the feelings of guilt go. (I sometimes need permission for others so I am hoping it might help you.)
I am not sure how to say this without it coming out the wrong way.
I can’t believe you went through all of this. You were willing to risk your home and took severe financial responsibilities on yourself when nobody else was willing to. Not his family, not any service, not his other friends. I would like to praise you for it, somehow it feels I shouldn’t. Looking at this from afar it feels like hoarders behave. You were willing to lose your home over somebody else’s things? Really? You deserve a place where you feel safe, at home and are able to relax. Wanting to help is a great thing. Sometimes we are just not in a position to help and sometimes the things others want us to do are not helpful for them. I am glad the story is over. I think you have absolutely no reason to feel bad for anything. You did not destroy a friendship. If anything is the reason for this friendship being over it’s the mental health issues of your friend.
I think just like one not helping an alcoholic when storing their booze or getting it for them or cleaning up after them, taking a hoarder’s possessions in is not a way to help them. Even if you have an empty unused room, all you are doing is supporting their holding on to things.
No matter what you would have done, with your friend obviously not receiving the proper treatment for what ever reason this would have ended poorly.
Have a
and enjoy your home!* You should not feel awful about moving the items!*
You had done far more than could be expected to try and help him! Even paying for his storage for 2 years! His behaviour cost him a friend. A big loss, and also for you. You’d have good reason to be angry with him about that. You are being kind, and he took advantage of that.
Its the same as for an alcoholic- he needs to decide for himself if he wants to change. If he wont, nothing can be done.
As an example: My hoarding has meant that family cant stay. A friend is having building work done. I have a spare room but cant invite her as everywhere is full of stuff. So she’s going to have to stay in a hotel for 2 weeks- expensive. Also she invites me to her home sometimes, but I cant invite her back. Which is the pattern which should happen. So my hoarding has damaged my relationships with 2 people I am close to. Totally up to me to do something about it.
I’m pleased that the experience is over for you. He was a friend,but isnt anymore- you have no reason to spend time thinking about his behaviour. And definitely not feel bad about what you had to do!
You can be secure in your home, with no risk of eviction. And with only your things in it.
As CQ said, enjoy your home now!
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