Finally getting in touch…

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Welcome, lovinghelp —

lovinghelp wrote:

would love to know how people have found ways of getting through to someone who has very pointedly kept her head in the sand

In my case, I’m the one whose head was in the sand… until I saw an episode of Oprah and realized that I shared the behavior highlighted in the program.

I’m so sorry to hear of your predicament. Wondering if you’ve seen the documentary My Hoarder Mum and Me made by Jasmine Harman, the woman who established this site? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTwet2yIZy8” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTwet2yIZy8

Also found several episodes of Jasmine working with others

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcKEC8MSAQU” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcKEC8MSAQU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCzPCq-1MrI” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCzPCq-1MrI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDPMwEXexUc” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDPMwEXexUc

Hoping your mother comes to realize she has an issue so that she can move forward and your family can begin to heal.

[arielsmelody]

I wanted to reply because what you wrote struck a chord with me – I was lucky because my mum’s tendency towards hording was never out of control during my childhood, but it was there and it’s been a shadow over our relationship. We had a few huge rows sparked off by me trying to tidy up and clear out when I was an older teenager, and I still (25 years later) feel hurt that she reacted in that way.

I have to confess that I’ve run away from it ever since, and I am scared of doing anything that might trigger that reaction again. My feeling is that you have to try to protect yourself as much as you can, so I would definitely follow up the counselling even though you are moving away – unless you are going to cut all ties with your parents, you know that this will come up again in the future, and you need to have the inner strength to try to deal with it.

[Kim2014]

Hello Lovinghelp and welcome.

I’m going out on a limb a bit here and hoping it’s the right thing to do. If not just ignore my post.

It’s a bit unfortunate that you texted her a demand (using texting like that is bound to cause drama and make the recipient feel got at) before coming here as it really isn’t the way to go about it, but what’s done is done. Possibly apologizing for that might help ease things?

Agree with Shed The Shame about watching Jasmine’s programmes and thinking carefully about her approach.

Quote:

she has agreed to discuss stuff in a couple of day’s time. My fear is that I have so much anger about all of this I am terrified of saying something that will push her away for good, but at the same time I need her to just TRY to do something about it.

Please don’t think I’m down playing issues of growing up in a deteriorating house with a mother allowing it, and a father absenting and allowing himself from it, it’s going to leave all sorts of painful stuff.

However: actually, you don’t NEED her to do anything, you WANT her to. Be really honest with her and yourself.

Many people with a hoarding issue are already tied in knots by all the unmeant manipulations and deceptions of those around them and it connects to their poor decision making, so don’t further play into it. BTW not knowing what family will be living with you, when, and having them come and go is also going to make it harder to know what will and wont be needed in the future.

State only the actual truth, rather than trying to turn your feelings into facts that you then expect her to act on. It’s the road to mutual resentment. That may seem harsh of me, but IME going the other way round usually doesn’t end well for either party. Be reasonable, keep it straightforward and avoid emotional blackmail.

There’s a whole load of things in your post that say there are untold stories going on. You’re assuming the family narrative about dad living somewhere else for work is a) entirely true, (of course it maybe) b) don’t seem to wonder how your mother may have felt, or if she’s had any option over it, or what else may have been going on around all this. What’s really going on in marriages can be more complicated than the children in them are let realise. Just a thought.

Dad’s a full grown adult who almost certainly has a lot more insight into how their marriage has been than you do, and probably doesn’t want his part in all this (and believe me there will, and may still be, one) have been one) shone too bright a spotlight on. He’s happy to complain about things to you until it becomes clear he’ll have to stand by it and deal with it, then you become the person causing the problem.

It makes me think your family dynamic may be more complicated than everything is your mum and her hoarding issues.

Not suggesting her hoarding issue isn’t a serious problem, just that I think there may be a can of worms under it that aren’t just your mum’s and maybe you should tread a bit carefully.

I’m not hearing anything in your post about your mum as a person, just as a poor/failing housekeeper with hoarding issues, whose husband and daughter (and possibly others) have come and gone, expressing their unhappiness, and come back again, blowing in and out according to their needs and wants.

Does she work, have a career? have other interests etc? Did she ever? Does your brother live there too?

I also wonder why you’re back living there? What’s happened in your life as an adult that you’re not living independently anymore?

You’ve gone to university, graduated, then gone travelling for a few years, (very nice if you’re able) but you’re now in your mid twenty’s and have now decided you now need to come back and live with your parents and address issues with your mum and about your mum, rather than launching your life and career before your degree becomes negligible for employment?

You might find it much healthier and more successful for both of you, to consider trying to do this from a successful and independently housed, adult lifestyle…

You know that bit you said about your mum:

Quote:

Mum has this irritating habit of busying herself with everything but the things that need addressing

As I know to my own cost, the apple never falls far from the tree no matter how much we try to make it – six years seems to be a little bit long to be still figuring out life goals and directions, especially with seriously mounting interest on your loans.

Please know I’m absolutely not having a go at you. It’s just something that you might need to think deeply about before you go further.

I think you genuinely want to hear anything that might help change things, both for you and her, so I’m aiming at getting you to look at it all through a different lens, because the only thing you have control over, or can truly change, is you.

By changing some of your own views, you may then be in a better position to be able to help change your mum’s.

Angry, fearful, and demanding people, regardless of why they are being this way, often make the situation worse and spark familiar well practiced defense reactions, rather than enableing positive ways to change.

[Author]

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