Getting help for my mother has ruined our relationship!

[NanaParticipant]

It is a difficult situation to be in.

I’d advise stepping back and letting your sister get on with things if she can, but don’t isolate yourself from the authorities trying to assist – contact them, explain the situation and offer to try to help if the necessity arises, outline what you have done in the past and let them know that you gave up the spare key so do not have access to the home.
That might be significant in the future as someone I worked with was accused of going into a relatives home and the police came to check that she had been at work that day. One thing which helped was that they had not got a key to let themselves in by.

The fears and accusations are pretty obviously due to her mental illness, and unless that can be addressed and treated by others there really isn’t anything you can do except encourage them to keep trying to help your mother in the hope of improving the situation.

[SomuchstuffParticipant]

It must have been so hard for both of you growing up with a mother with paranoid schizophrenia and hoarding disorder. Seeing her get older and in a bad state and demanding, must have been miserable and very frustrating. Especially when you were busy raising your own child.

If she always conflated things, it is not that surprising that you now do. Separating it all out and being honest with yourself may help you.

It was your decision to let the Grandmother child relationship fade away if she couldn’t organize seeing him somewhere else, after you stopped taking him over. But you should have been clear she had to now make arrangements, and you wouldn’t be helping her stay in contact.
Losing the relationship would damage her, but may have been right for him in which case you did the right thing, but of course she’s upset and seeing you as having engineered it. It is understandable, but you have. Own it.

Reading your post I don’t see ‘getting help’ ruining your relationships. I see you did that by breaking the trust placed in you, first.
Sorry if that sounds harsh. It isn’t saying you are ‘the bad one,’ it is saying your genuine attempts at getting help haven’t caused the damage here, and are not the issue.

You decided first to report her to her landlord and endanger her tenancy hoping he would force her to clean up or evict her. That isn’t about helping her, it is about control. Maybe you felt you had to control her. Reporting to the landlord would break  anyone’s trust, especially with paranoia.  The landlord has used his own judgements about the situation and respected her right to privacy from you, in dealing with her.

You have then done all the right things to get help for your mother, and she used one of them as an opportunity to really lash out at you nastily and make you hurt like you did to her.  She may have been an awful parent and person all her life but you broke something very important.  You need to accept how devastating that will have been. You have really hurt and damaged her and she wants you to feel just as hurt.

You decided to ignore the MH teams attempt to repair things and bring you all together. Understandable.  You had had enough. So they turned to your sister. But you now resent your sister’s involvement, and her being low key on anything that could cause more drama with you.

You damaged an already damaged, and damaging  relationship, that you couldn’t cope with. You also did the right things after to get help for your mum. You have a child that you aren’t keen for her to have a relationship with, so that would only bring further pain to all of you.

You have already had a lifetime of difficulties and feeling responsible. You need to step back and look after your child and his interests.
Let the professionals get on with dealing with your mum with your sister now.

 

 

 

 

 

[Anonymous]

Hi,

Thanks to both of you on your thoughts and opinions on my post.

There really was so much to say that I missed out on some points in writing this post and didn’t want a lengthy post that may or may not of been answered.

What I forgot to mention in my post was how the month or 2 before my mother showed her aggression towards me we spent some quality time with her and I did visit her at their flat with my son but she forgot we was coming but welcomed us in and a few times before I had my mother round for dinner and she spent half the day with me and my son. She really enjoyed it and was in high spirits, we had been discussing what I could cook for her next time she came over. We even ordered a new hoover for her flat which I went there to help her set it up. We ordered some hair pieces online as her hair was all matted from not being well enough to brush it and she was really happy when I brought them round.

Everything seemed ok and she was telling me how she was looking forward to the activity groups at mind and how someone from MIND took her out to buy storage draws for her flat.
Then within 2 weeks of our last get together she turned on me. It’s quite sad typing this message as I feel like if I hadn’t got the help for her she could get worse and worse.

There was no way I wanted to control my mother I wanted to help her and contacting her landlord was the best way forward for her. Yes I understand this could have endangered her tenancy but I read the terms and conditions online before hand and read that they deal with hoarders and work together with mental health teams etc and provide a non-judgemental service.

It was the landlord who made the referral to MIND as they were aware of my mother’s illness they couldn’t evict my mother as they understood she needed support from the mental health professionals.  Her tenancy sustainment officer is lovely and has said that she can get her carpets cleaned or replaced and new furniture if she needed it so there was a goal at the end of the decluttering.

I only ignored the MH teams the day after the situation happened with my mother as I was very upset. I’ve spent my lunch times at work and morning calls to emailing her doctor as a first option and whom visited her when a few months ago my mother told me she had leukaemia and was dying but didn’t say it to my sister.

Of course this was not true and heard voices in her head. It’s been me all along calling emailing and calling Adult Services trying to get someone to help her. Speaking to a carer  during my working hours. Sorry if I’ve repeated myself here but consulting the landlord was a step in the right direction this was about helping her not controlling her.

This is not something I can keep on dealing with why it should fall on one daughter and I do still think it’s best I step away from speaking to the mental health authorities for now. I heard from my sister as I asked her how my mum was and if she is getting the help she needs. Although I don’t know the full details she just said she’s been assessed and that someone is visiting her every evening making sure she is taking her medication and brining her shopping.

Also where we previously did not visit my mother at the flat we did offer to take her out for dinner on a number of occasions but she kept on cancelling them and there would of been times where she could of visited us too but it was never mentioned. My mother is a lovely person when she is well and it’s so heart breaking to see her when she is ill. She is generally well for 6 weeks then unwell for 6 weeks this is a viscious circle and has been for many years but she does not want to change her medication. I also feel like she is lonely too and I really hope she get to go to these activity groups as it will keep her busy other than spending all her money on things she may never use or need.

[SomuchstuffParticipant]

I do understand how missing things out happens. But if important information is missing, replies will be based on people not knowing it.

Most people have standard rental tenancies or own their homes. The most common reasons people are evicted by my landlord, amounts to behavior linked to their mental health conditions that they are not getting enough support for. Or if they are it is not working!

They can’t be evicted just for having a condition, but they easily get evicted for things they do, or getting into rent arrears, because of how their mental health condition affects their decisions. There is a housing shortage and demand is much bigger than supply.

So it is unlikely to second guess that your mother would have a special tenancy that meant her landlord ‘couldn’t evict your mother as they understood she needed support from the mental health professionals’, or that she would have a ‘tenancy sustainment officer.’
But unless your mother was very aware I would expect her to have the same feelings.

The situation over your son visiting reads completely differently in your update as well, You don’t say how old he is, but it does seem on off and erratic for him as well as her.

I would have given a different reply to the different information. Not that my opinion matters.

If she is well, then ill again, every six weeks, she obviously needs help with either taking or changing her medication. You have helped to get her someone who can do that.

You yourself have said this is not something you can keep on dealing with, and it all sounds very overwhelming. So I do still think stepping back is sensible.

[OddsocksParticipant]

<p style=”text-align: left;”>I will do a better post but just wanted to say that I respect other people’s views, but personally what comes across is how hard it has been for you to try to help her, but had a negative reaction.
And how much her mental health problems are a factor. The sole people who have to try to manage that are the mental health team.</p>
And that it’s very important to take care of yourself!

 

 

 

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Oddsocks.

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