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Nana
What sort of things are being kept? Is it over purchasing, or other sorts of acquisition/collecting so lots of things come in to fill every nook, or is it that nothing goes out, so there are newspapers, magazines old clothes or items which would normally be disposed of?
bluesyjay
Hello Pandora and welcome! wishing you to find support, answers, inspiration, anything that can help in here.
Has your husband spelled out exactly what it is he feels would be support on your part, since he said you should support him more?
Is he willing to make a plan with you to start working on very small areas together maybe?
Can he make a plan to call someone in order to at least set up an appointment on – just an example – the second week of January for help, and already seek out the person and maybe find out if there is availability?
The fact that he does – at least partly – acknowledge there is a problem, and admit to it, could be at least a step forward in the right direction, since awareness is the key factor and without that there is no way forwards…
Does he manifest the willingness to shed the stuff but being unable to?
this is another step in my opinion
just a few suggestions ideas popping in my head…to start a dialogue
wishing you a peaceful evening
Pandora
Hi both Thanks for the messages. Sorry I haven’t responded before – life keeps throwing curveballs- today’s being my dog chewed to death my mobile phone this morning so I have spent the best part of the day sorting out to get a replacement. Hohumm.
Husband has got a natural inclination to hang on to things – he keeps receipts until they have faded to little squares of white paper etc but the biggest issue is the stuff he buys at boot fairs. His career suddenly ended, through no fault of his own, and to keep his sanity, he started to go to boot fairs every day. He does sell some stuff and has found some real treasures but unfortunately he has also filled several large rooms and a barn with stuff that he then forgets he’s bought.
He has also bought a couple of libraries of books – some fascinating 17th century ones but lots that are not valuable or interesting but too good to throw away!
We have had another chat and he has promised to make an appointment to see someone, so I’ll see how that goes.
Hi Pandora, sorry for your mobile
hope that works out
that’s great that he is agreeing to see someone
is he maybe willing to start to work on any small easier area to make some sort of dent?
Oddsocks
Firstly, you are not responsible for his hoarding, whatever he says! Then that do ring the Samaritans- you dont need to be suicidal. And you definitely need to have someone to listen and be supportive.
Check out the post I have done ‘for friends and family’. (mainly, look at the friends and families section of this site, plus Mind’s info
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/about-hoarding/includes But its always fine to let off steam here too!
Have you tried to talk to your GP about how depressed and panicky you can feel? Tho easier said than done to have the chance to talk to one properly these days! One option they have, or maybe you can contact them direct, is counselling? You could get some support and maybe learn how to let him damage you less. Unfortunately, you probably dont have the option of seeing a counsellor privately as it sounds like you cant afford it?
He sounds such a drain- no wonder you are tired!
He is clearly not being supportive, whatever he thinks! And may well not keep his promise to get help anytime soon! Which is also something he would be doing for himself, rather than as a promise to help you out! Dont let him drag you down the line of everything he (actually) does is as a favour to you!
While I am going on about sources of info/help, there is Carers UK. Its listing of services is at
https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/talk-to-us .They have an online forum too. Free helpline, but only a couple of days a week. I’m thinking in particular of caring for your daughter, but you are also having to cope with him.
Hopefully things have moved on from when his hoarding was glossed over- there is more recognition that it is a mental health problem.
Sounds like being out of the house is a relief, so if you can organise more of that it might be good?
And absolutely not seeing you as being unhelpful or selfish!
Good luck and take care of yourself!
chaosqueen
Hello! How does your daughter deal with all of this? I guess for some with ASD that could be quite the challenge if things are not in their proper place. What kind of hoard are we talking about? Neatly organized and packed tightly or more pile of things flowing over everywhere. I personally am the piles overflowing to everywhere type and I know it has serious effects on everyone. I am with Oddsocks. Do call the Samaritans. The might even know of a place you can turn to for more help. Another thing you can focus on are things you can change. Like putting down a few ground rules. No clutter in the kitchen and the living room and an agreement if it is there is means you can do with it as you please. You need to make sure you are taken care off, too. I know this can cause your husband stress, but guess what. That is okay.
Maybe you can talk to him about letting go of a certain category. Even as a hoarder I must admit I simply don’t understand that somebody who has ran out of space repeatedly and keeps acquiring new space doesn’t see they have a problem.
Can you think of one thing that would make a big difference for you? Like no stuff in a certain area. Or no keeping of broken things? Maybe only working on that one thing will make it less threatening for your husband if he knows he doesn’t knot have to worry about losing it all.
Pandora wrote:Hi both
He has also bought a couple of libraries of books – some fascinating 17th century ones but lots that are not valuable or interesting but too good to throw away!
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When I can actually prize my fingers off a book and decide it should go I give it to a charity shop (an Oxfam shop specialising in books, but lots of other charity shops can take some). Not a lot (not a whole library), and need to be in good enough condition and interesting to someone else. But could be a home for things that seem too good to throw away. I find it makes it easier, when I can actually decide to remove a book from the house!
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