help

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Welcome, Cassiedog —

From someone who’s working to recover from hoarding issues, please do not even consider moving in with your boyfriend before you see actual signs of progress. And not just a blip of progress after a cleaning blitz… but sustained progress. People with hoarding issues often struggle to maintain progress they have achieved.

Hoarding disorder is very complex. And it’s never just about the stuff. Educate yourself through the RESOURCES tab above, as well as the TIPS for Family and Friends thread https://www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=975” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=975

This is also a good resource https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/

I know it may seem like a lot of work to read about this condition, but trust me — if you don’t learn about it and your relationship with your boyfriend continues — you will be pulling out your hair out of frustration because what he’s doing will not make any sense to you.

As you described, he has not actually gotten rid of things… he’s shifted them from one place to another. This is known as “churning.”

Quote:

I have come to the conclusion either he doesn’t love me or is using me to clear his house with no intention of doing anything to help himself.

I know it can certainly appear as though he doesn’t love you because he isn’t clearing things from his house. Loved ones of those with hoarding issues often express, “They love their junk more than they love me.” But from my personal experience, hoarding isn’t an active choice. For me, it feels like Stockholm Syndrome. I know it’s hurting me. I know it’s my oppressor. And yet, when I try to free myself — I often feel unable to do so

Trauma / loss / grief often play a part in hoarding. Low self-esteem, too. Sometimes I think rather than “They love their junk more than they love me,” it could actually be, “They love their junk more than they love themselves.”

Even with self-awareness, recovery from hoarding takes hard work. And it’s an inside job. You cannot solve someone else’s hoarding. The first step is for the individual to admit they have a problem and want to change.

Randy Frost, a pioneer in the research field, talks about creating a discrepancy between where the individual is in their life right now and where they want to be. The bigger that discrepancy, the more pressure / motivation to change.

If you tell your boyfriend that you won’t move in until you see true, sustained progress — it could create that discrepancy for him. (A) you’re not living with him but ( he wants living with him –> (C) discrepancy.

But if you move in before he’s actually taken action and shown true progress, he’ll have what he wants. There’ll be no discrepancy. And you will suffer in the environment.

I don’t doubt that you and your boyfriend love each other, but please be aware that Hoarding Disorder can cause a LOT of collateral damage. Read posts from spouses of hoarders, such as this one https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/65sco7/apartment_hoard_and_a_marriage/” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/65sco7/apartment_hoard_and_a_marriage/

Do you dream of having children in the future? If the home became unpresentable for visitors, could you handle the isolation of not having friends over? These are things to think about.

I know this isn’t easy for you because you love him. But please proceed with caution.

Wishing you both the best.

[Cassiedog]

Thanks for your reply, the stuff you have posted will be invaluable, I just hope he does it for himself as well, as I know if he is just doing it for me it won’t work.

As you have suggested, I have made it very clear that I will not be moving in until I see a sustained Improvement.

I am glad to say that as of last night he has contacted a councillor with experience of treating hoarding disorder, he has taken 3 car loads to the skip and started reading a book I bought him ages ago about self help, I have also read it and there’s some really helpful stuff in it for both of us so fingers crossed he is getting on the right track, he also knows I will help where I can but I will not be doing it for him.

Also congratulations for addressing your own hoarding problem.

Thanks again for you advice.

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Cassiedog wrote:

he has contacted a councillor with experience of treating hoarding disorder, he has taken 3 car loads to the skip and started reading a book I bought him ages ago about self help

This is great news, Cassiedog! So wonderful that he’s contacted the counselor He’s lucky to have you for love and support, and I’m glad you’ve established healthy boundaries to care for yourself.

Praise his progress to help keep him motivated. Recovery from hoarding is a marathon, not a sprint. In order to maintain the progress he makes, he’ll also need to change habits like how items enter his home in the first place, how he handles items once they cross the threshold, how he maintains cleared spaces, etc. Help him pace himself so he doesn’t burn out.

Good luck :!:

[Cassiedog]

Thank you, Yes ‘re burnout I am a bit concerned about that as he is quite an, all or nothing person as he also has a duel diagnosis of Aspergers, his mum was also a hoarder and he had quite a poor upbringing so I do completely understand how it happend. I’m trying to look for a support group for him but there doesn’t seem to be one in our area.

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Cassiedog wrote:

he is quite an, all or nothing person

This is a very common trait among people with hoarding issues! “If I can’t do it perfectly… I won’t do it at all.” Also black and white thinking such as, “It HAS to be done a certain way.”

When he succeeds in clearing a small area, bring attention to that success and how nice it looks. The tendency is to focus on ALL THAT REMAINS and get overwhelmed.

As he goes through things, he may experience negative feelings such as regret, anger at himself, etc. It’s important to exercise self-compassion and self-care.

We cannot undo the past. We all make mistakes. I tell myself, “I did the best I could with the information and awareness I had at the time.” Then I ask myself, “What can I learn from this?” When we know better… we do better

This is a lovely video with self-care reminders https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJBETii03Ek” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJBETii03Ek

Hope he can find a local support group!

[OddsocksParticipant]

Cassiedog wrote:

I’m trying to look for a support group for him but there doesn’t seem to be one in our area.

Unfortunately, there arent many. HoardersUK has a page with some https://www.hoardinguk.org/support-groups/” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.hoardinguk.org/support-groups/ I dont know if its up-to-date but there are contact details so you can check.

[Cassiedog]

Thanks both, Yes oddsocks I have been looking for a group and there are very few, I’m quite xurprised as there is definately a need for them.

[Cassiedog]

Hi Just to update you, I have had to remove myself from the situation due to the detrimental effect it is having on my own mental health. Ever since I met this lovely person I have done everything I can to help we are both having work issues so I supported him with that we both have AS also, he appeared to be doing quite well then I noticed a withdrawal and an increase in diasgreements between us, he has insulted me in the past and I have just brushed it off due to AS but last week was the final straw he actually accused me of wanting his house! I don’t want his house I have my own and it isn’t in the same awful state I wanted him I loved him,

I thought that was enough but last week after that accusation and no apology or any sight of an apology I have been forced to remove myself to protect my own wellbeing.

My question is could he be saying nasty things to create an argument to push me away?

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Sorry to hear about the outcome. Well. I know nothing of him but what you told us, so I can’t really be the judge of whether or not he wants to push you away. IT sounds like a rather stressful relationship. Ask yourself how much you want to invest in this kind of relationship, how much you are willing to take and if being out of it might not be the better option even if it is painful at first.

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Sorry to hear you had to remove yourself, Cassiedog. But I’m glad you’re looking after your own well-being.

Cassiedog wrote:

could he be saying nasty things to create an argument to push me away?

Impossible for any of us to answer this, knowing so little about the situation. But I’ll share a theory of mine:

For people with hoarding issues, I strongly believe the stuff is a coping mechanism for unresolved inner issues, such as pain / loss / guilt / trauma / feelings of unworthiness. So when they feel their possessions are at risk of being taken away from them – it’s like their protective armor is at risk of being compromised or removed, even though they don’t realize their stuff is their armor. And until they process the core issues inside them — and develop a healthier coping mechanism – they’ll cling to their possessions for dear life.

Think about a pet cat that’s super sweet and affectionate and funny at home. You love your cat; your cat loves you. But when the pet carrier comes out to go to the vet – that same cat can turn into a demon. Your cat doesn’t suddenly hate you. It perceives a threat to its safety. And out of self-preservation — it hisses at you. It swats and claws you. It might even try to bite you.

You don’t deserve to be insulted by him — especially when you’ve tried everything you could to help him. But he may lack the necessary insight into his situation and could be lashing out defensively. Even if that is the case, you need to look after yourself. I’m sure it’s not easy to remove yourself when you have such fond feelings for him

[Cha-gal]

Hi Cassidog,

I am sorry that your relationship took that turn.

I quite agree with ShedtheShame’s point of view, because that is more or less what I feel myself :

I dont want anybody I know too close to my clutter, because if a loved one or family member tries to sort my things with me, I feel that they intrude in personal space. The emotional attachment I have for some objects, is difficult or impossible to explain to someone. They will only see an old worn out scarve, where I will see a treasured scarve that my grandmother wore on such or such occasion.

Maybe it is easier to be helped by a stranger when it gets to sort things out, but if helped by a loved one, it becomes too personnal.

I often compare the mess in my room with the mess in my head : only me can really sort it out. Maybe I can accept help from a stranger (professional counseler) but not from someone too close to me, because that would make me feel too exposed.

So maybe that is what happened with your boyfriend ? Maybe your project to help him get his home sorted out in order to move in, became a sort of pression for him, especially since there was only a couple of weeks ahead before the planned move ?

I think ShedThe Shame is right in comparing your boyfriend”s angry reaction to that of a cat that hisses at their caregiver….

I also think that it is likely that he knows, on some level, that you were just genuinly and generously trying to help / maybe there is a possibility that he will later aknowledge it when he is less stressed….

I hope your boyfriend finds help someday, and I hope you take care of yourself. I hope the best for both of you, be it together or on your separate ways.

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