Help for my dad.

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Hello and welcome to the forum. Your nick is hilarious :lol:

Sorry you are alone with this task. Maybe your siblings can give some kind of support, be it financial or talking to Dad. My advice? Settle for good enough. Don’t try to get him to part with it. Make a list of thinks that are a must like a working sink and toilet, heating, a safe place to cook and sleep.

Sit down with your Dad and ask him if he has all of this. I would just be blunt and ask, Dad, do you have all of this? What do we need to change so you can go back? Maybe the downstairs can be decluttered a little the bathroom fixed and the kitchen cleared. you want your Dad to be able to live their without killing himself, no need to get the place company ready.

I have no experience with dogs, but there are a few dog lovers here on the forum who might be abee to help you know if anything can be done to help the dog.

Good luck with it!

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Welcome, Dadstheword. I’m sorry to hear of your situation for both you and your dad. That’s a lot to take on by yourself. What helped me get started on this journey was seeing a show about hoarding and realizing “that’s what I have.” My situation is not severe, but I absolutely have hoarding thoughts/behaviors/urges. I’ve made YT videos for the past 3 years about what I’m trying to do to change these thoughts and behaviors. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwVPM0IiGyind1uwtXAInTg” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwVPM0IiGyind1uwtXAInTg

The book Digging Out by Michael A. Tompkins talks about “harm reduction” approaches to helping loved ones. “Harm reduction” is basically what chaosqueen recommended — getting your dad’s place to where he can live there without harm. I took notes on the book — about 6-1/2 pages. You can have a look to see if the full book might be of interest to you.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1o7KqCwNwRVHu8xPPCSK3DWfEg1nD1Iv-” class=”bbcode_url”>https://drive.google.com/open?id=1o7KqCwNwRVHu8xPPCSK3DWfEg1nD1Iv-

Where are you located? This reddit sub has compiled some pretty helpful information, including a list of resources https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.reddit.com/r/hoarding/comments/2yh6wh/i_have_a_hoarder_in_my_lifehelp_me_your_hoarding/

Hope this helps and wishing you the best,

StS

[Dadstheword]

Thanks for all your very helpful replies. Sorry it’s taken so long to respond. I’m going to start on the resources tomorrow. Who knows I might even get up enough courage to show my dad. Thank you in particular chaosqueen. I found your advice very useful. I’m lucky that my sisters although far away are able to help financially and do want to help by talking to Dad. They are wanting to be involved, but unfortunately living in a different time zone limits what they can do. I guess this is why I said I was alone. On a day to day I am alone and have to decide how to move forward. Your advice about sitting down and making a list with Dad about what basic amenities he actually has in his house and what he needs to be safe is very good. It gave me inspiration and courage, which I guess I was actually looking for when I posted. It’s going to be a marathon not a sprint. Thanks again for the responses.

[bluesyjayParticipant]

Welcome Dadstheword!

for now only an encouraging heartfelt welcome,

do keep us updated on your next steps

and just a word of caution about the very useful next things to do,

if your dad is in any way in denial about his situation, he may dismiss certain crucial basic points that Chaos Queen has pointed out so well

so I would encourage you maybe to try and see if you can have his trust to check those things together and not just take his word for it

which would be the first step to then start little by little to make the place more safe and liveable

wishing you courage and patience

[OddsocksParticipant]

I will send a better message, but just to say there is general info for friends and family on this site (check the tab in the menu) and links in the ‘For friends and family’ posts further down the list here.

[OddsocksParticipant]

I’m concerned that he and his dog are living in your front room! That must have a big impact on your life and the dog mess are a serious risk to your health too!

Is he very attached to his dog? I’m wondering if he would consider the dog going to a vet to be checked over? If he cant face it you could take it, but that would mean that you were the person telling him any bad news

I had been thinking there would be the option of calling the RSPCA, not because he is abusing it but because it is difficult for him to look after it. But a vet would be a less alarming suggestion.

You mention your sisters being willing to help out with paying for things? That could include vet’s bills?

But its all in the context of what is manageable for you.

[Dadstheword]

Thanks bluejay. I’m thinking the same way myself. He’s often lied to us about what is going on for him. So yes I will be making sure I visually check the house is safe and habitable before he lives back there. It’s all going to take time. Ironically I’m actually a plumber. Which makes it more upsetting that he didn’t ask me to fix his toilet. Also shows how bad his need to not let people into his house is.

Thank you too for your concern Oddsox. The situation is not as dire at my house. Im very good at keeping on top of the mess. I have my own space and so does my son when we need it. So it’s not so overwhelming. My dad is very much attached to his dog. Having something left of his friendship really helped him cope with his grief of losing his best friend. The dog is actually the only reason I could get him come to and stay with me for the winter. The dog now struggles to get upstairs so I’m hoping that my dads love for the dog will spur him on to clear up downstairs in his house so there’s somewhere nice for them to be. I’m looking at his time spent at my home as a way to get him used to having people coming and going in his space. I pay a neighbour to come in and cook while I’m at work and do light cleaning. Hopefully he’ll see the benefit in having help so it won’t be as alien when he does go back home. The dog has always had vet treatment paid for by my dad. And goes every month for check ups. He treats that dog better than his own kids. Haha. I let you know how he gets on. Today is his one day a week he goes back to his house to do jobs. I’ve given him a bucket and said that if he’s any recycling to put in it then feel free to bring it home as my bins are never full. He seemed responsive and I’ve wrote on the bucket what to put in. So fingers crossed. Even 1 tin can or glass jar out is progress.

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Dadstheword, I am SO moved by how sensitive you are to your fathers needs. Not just his physical needs or what needs to be done to improve the condition of his home — but his emotional needs. As well as his dog’s needs I’m convinced that hoarding behavior is a symptom of an underlying emotional issue. Researchers have found that those with hoarding issues reported a grater variety of traumatic events, as well as a greater frequency of such events.

Dadstheword wrote:

I’m looking at his time spent at my home as a way to get him used to having people coming and going in his space. I pay a neighbour to come in and cook while I’m at work and do light cleaning. Hopefully he’ll see the benefit in having help so it won’t be as alien when he does go back home.

This is a wonderful approach! When I go to visit my mother, in an effort to learn a new way of life — I pay close attention to how she handles her possessions and how she lives her day-to-day life. I liken my visits at my mother’s to being in a “sober living home” for those recovering from addiction — to experience and reinforce healthier habits.

Love your idea of giving him the bucket and a list of what to put in it :!: Please let us know how he does with the task.

Your father is very lucky to have you

[OddsocksParticipant]

Dadstheword wrote:

.

Thank you too for your concern Oddsox. The situation is not as dire at my house. Im very good at keeping on top of the mess. I have my own space and so does my son when we need it. So it’s not so overwhelming. My dad is very much attached to his dog. Having something left of his friendship really helped him cope with his grief of losing his best friend. The dog is actually the only reason I could get him come to and stay with me for the winter.

Thank you for that, and obviously things are much more under control than I guessed – sorry! Its good that he is looking after the dog well when it is so important to him. Abd means that this winter is better for him than it would have been.

You are so kind! Its a reflection of how difficult he found it to have anyone in his house to fix something that he didnt tell you about the toilet? Not anything personal!

Lots of luck with your plans- they sound good!

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Dadstheword, how did it go when your father went back to the house to work? Hope you gathered some items in the bucket.

I recently joined a decluttering workshop, and today we went over a list of Decision Making Questions. Thought they might be of help to your father when going through his things??

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1cbZOYBc6NlA8_hwkq7ZqTfQRVE9SBDkg/view?usp=sharing” class=”bbcode_url”>https://drive.google.com/file/d/1cbZOYBc6NlA8_hwkq7ZqTfQRVE9SBDkg/view?usp=sharing

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Hope things are going well, Dadstheword.

This “ice-breaker” form was posted on the reddit sub r/hoarding https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DD8cXSGrpWLj62Lc8jGfB_oA7uViST5I/view” class=”bbcode_url”>https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DD8cXSGrpWLj62Lc8jGfB_oA7uViST5I/view

(I believe it’s also under the RESOURCES section of this HelpForHoarders.co.uk site)

If your father is unwilling to have a go at completing the form, you can fill it out as a family member of someone with hoarding issues.

This “Good Practice Guidelines” is linked at the bottom of the “ice-breaker” form. It’s quite long… but also quite a good overview! https://www1.bps.org.uk/system/files/Public%20files/a_psychological_perspective_on_hoarding.pdf” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www1.bps.org.uk/system/files/Public%20files/a_psychological_perspective_on_hoarding.pdf

Hope this helps.

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Just uploaded two excerpts from the book Buried in Treasures addressing the following:

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