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chaosqueen
It will be a problem no matter how much space she has. I can promise you that. Is she aware of having anxiety issues? Maybe forget the cluttered house for a while and see if she can get help regarding the anxiety? My anxiety levels are high right now and I had to basically force myself to throw away the cardboard roll that was left from the toilet paper, because you know, this could be useful still. When my anxiety or stress levels are high, I am at my worst concerning clutter and making wise decisions. If she can deal with her anxiety issues the rest might improve a lot just by coping well with the anxiety If I were you I would not buy that house together just now. Awareness is key.
I agree, it might ot be any of your business now how her apartment will lok, but once you move in together it will be your business.
As I said before, my stress levels are high right now. I don’t feel like I can say much that would be useful, there are many posts just like yours. The usually have similar titles, too. So if you take the time to find and read them it might give you good ideas where to start.
Longtime8
Do not share accommodation. Just don’t! I let a friend/briefly boyfriend stay with me for a few weeks while his home was being cleared of hoarding…the clear out didn’t really happen. And he won’t go home, turns up at mine even when he is supposed to be at home, the latest is he sleeps rough rather than go home. Now I am living out of a suitcase, as can’t access my belongings, have no fridge as no-one can get in to replace mine, police have been frequent visitors as my friend reports me for abuse every time I speak to him about moving stuff/getting storage, and even though my landlord threatened me with eviction ten weeks ago he is still bringing stuff in. But he gets aggressive and threatening when I try to stop him, and most of the police think he’s this pathetic abused individual with no-one to help! A sad illness, but I wish I hadn’t let him stay. Now no-one else will help him because of his behaviour and attitude, so I feel stuck. Keep your distance! I have found the legal aspects of managing someone else’s hoarding are very vague, even though it is in my home. I wish I’d turned away instead of trying to help. Good luck. Nana
I do not understand why the police feel you should be involved with your unwanted guest – if they are called request that they protect you from having your home stolen in this way – and maybe help you get some of his things out. I can feel sympathy for a person struggling to deal with their own things, but to try to take over another persons property is just not on – are you able to finance the removal of things by a man, or men with a van? Could you contact someone such as the British Heart Foundation or Red Cross to help clear your home, and perhaps change the locks if that is necessary?
I am finally putting the story back together Longtime8. You are STILL!?!? dealing with this guy? Does he pay rent? If not I would totally get a restraining order against him. The police think he is the victim because he called first- If he does pay rent team up with the landlord to just have him evicted.OR find a new place to live and leave the squatter behind. In real life it is probably not that easy. But seriously. Don’t let him push you around. Getting the landlord to help you might be your best bet. Have the landlord tell him he has to clear out by day x. I really don’t understand why the landlord could evict you but not him. Talk to the landlord. The landlord might have more power over getting the guy our of your house/apartment then you. I am all for changing the locks. If he doesn’t pay rent, he has no right to be there. This in my opinion is a lot more than just simple hoarding. There is a lot more going on. As an outsider I see red flags everywhere. Protect yourself. I don’t see how he could have any right to stay at your place or store things at your place. And whoever says otherwise tell them you wil move in with them and see how they like it…
Wish I could help. Just know you have every right to get rid of him! don’t give up until you find someone you can help you! Have you tried asking at a women’s shelter? They might know what you can do.
Oddsocks
I would definitely agree with others about not living together yet. Her views are all too familiar. Unfortunately,if someone doesnt see it as a problem there’s not much you can do. You want the times together to be good times, not a unproductive confrontation? If she does start to see it as a problem you may be able to help her, following what she could cope with doing.
Someone has mentioned posts here. This topic is posted a lot, and the replies tend to be similar. You can also check out the family and friends section on this site
To answer the OP, I too must say that it is not going to end well trying to live with a hoarder, particularly when there is joint ownership. Do, please keep trying to help – but until the hoarder decides that they need to do something a long term solution is unlikely.
I’d also advise plain speaking about the hoarding, don’t mince your words or tone down the reason – reality is perhaps rather hard, but not facing it isn’t going to help at all.
freesia
All I can say is I’d not advise moving into sharing a home with anyone with any level of hoarding ongoing. I live with loved ones who hoard and cannot move out – as much as they mean every thing to me, their stuff means everything to them and there is nothing will persuade them to change or admit they have any issues. They can justify everything but it is not my choice of how to live and has affected me in so many ways I won’t go into, but I’d say if you can live in separate homes and still be in a relationship it would be more in your interests, as you won’t compete against stuff every minute of your life. I know and understand it is a condition and the hoarder cannot help it, I have every sympathy and respect and know it comes from a place of suffering. But it is hell to live with a hoarder/ hoarders unless you don’t mind. Good luck and hope things work out for the best for you.
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