How to help a hoarder that won’t get help

[NanaParticipant]

Those of us on here who have managed to make improvements have done it through self help – so I really don’t know what to suggest for your mother in law’s problems on a practical level.

Did the mental health specialists decide that it was safe for her to continue to live alone in such conditions?

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Only thing I can think of is making the place safer for her by doing little things. Like clear a path on the floor. Make sure she can access the toilet without problems. She should be present and you should never throw out anything against her will, that would make her lose trust. If you can improve her living conditions she might be able to see there is a problem.

A lot also depends on the kind of hoard she has. I would probably ask her if there is anything that would make her day to day easier. And then work on that one single thing to not overwhelm her. Once that is done, you could ask again.

[OddsocksParticipant]

I agree with Nana about whether a mental health experience (doctor, CPN, social worker) actually knows about the state of the house? Impact on her safety?

I’m not in any way being dismissive to refer you to info for friends/families.  There’s not much to say- if only there was! Checkout the ‘friends and families’ tab of this site (menu top right). MIND’s website also has a section on hoarding with info for people who hoard which includes info for people . (Apologies for not giving you a link- sometimes when I do that the post disappears!?)

If she doesnt see it as a problem its very difficult. I’m concerned about your husband’s distress. Very understandable and normal  in the circumstances.  Has he spoken to his GP or counselling?

Its true that self-help is important sometimes also having someone to encourage and not be judgemental can help? The decisions are by the hoarder. Personally I wouldnt let any family or friends into my home tho!

The cause of this  may not be something painful?  Certainly not with me. She just doesnt see it as a problem!

 

 

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by Oddsocks.

[OddsocksParticipant]

Good suggestions from CQ as usual!

Working on ways to increase her safety is important. Maybe she might be amenable to those things? Fire,falls, food poisoning and hygiene are the main ones.

eg not have anything flammable near a heat source like a heater or cooker. Not using candles. If she smokes preferably outdoors (unrealistic in our winter) or using a proper ashtray. Safety getting around eg improve lighting (eg blown bulbs?), make a clear path from each room particularly to the front/back door. Not having trailing wires or loose stuff in that path.

Then there is cleaning what is accessible, especially the toilet, shower/bath, fridge (inside expired and outside), sink. Washing up. Apart from the contents of the fridge that doesnt include throwing anything away. There may be a problem with containers with rotting food remains, if she wont get rid of any. The rest of the house is obviously a concern but not as crucial as safety.

But that’s a lot of work. I’m assuming she doesnt do any clearing herself?

If its just too disgusting, only spend a short time there? Wearing a mask and gloves. You could even have one of those paper coveralls (like you see in CSI people or criminals wearing)? Take bin bags and some cleaning stuff.

She may not see all the clutter as a problem but maybe aspects of it?  Maybe she’s not been able to use shower/bath and would like to?

Its so hard when someone doesnt see it as a problem! You dont want it to be having such a negative impact on the family. It may sound extreme, but true that people could stop trying unless she actually wants help? That can take some pressure off . I’m assuming she isnt actually ill enough to be sectioned. So its her responsibility.

If you do some browsing of previous posts you’ll find other messages from/to friends and family.

 

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

DILofHoarder, I’m very sorry you and your family are in this situation. Hoarding is an incredibly complicated condition. Ultimately, if your MIL doesn’t recognize that she has an issue — there’s not a whole lot you can do. Forced clean outs almost always backfire; loss of trust and the space gets refilled as a response to the trauma of the forced clean out.

I’m quite certain that developmental/childhood trauma is at the root of my hoarding issues. A result of trauma is disconnection from the self; an inability to be in the present moment because the present moment is too painful. Hoarding is a coping mechanism to avoid/distract from pain, to compensate for beliefs of unworthiness that resulted from my trauma…. So I can’t just address my behavior. I need to address the fundamental issues. I need to address my abandonment of self. Because if I truly cared about myself, if I truly loved myself — would I give my precious living space to cardboard boxes and broken items rather than to myself???

During the pandemic I made a new friend. I came out to her quite early in our relationship because I felt so safe with her. Her response was, “Would it help if someone just sat with you? Even just reading a book while you worked?” That made me cry. I still felt too much shame to let her into my house. But when I went home that day… I mopped my kitchen floor after putting it off and putting it off and putting it off. Why? Because I felt that someone truly cared about me. Didn’t judge me. Didn’t tell me what I should do. Just offered to SIT WITH ME and SUPPORT ME.

Your MIL is 2o+ years older than me. From my experience, it’s much more challenging to heal from this later in life because the habits have become very ingrained through repeition. But change is always possible at any stage. You may not be able to achieve drastic change, but I believe change is always possible.

There is no easy answer for hoarding. But I believe at the core of it is a need for a sense of LOVE and SAFETY.

Wishing you and your family healing,

StS

[OddsocksParticipant]

DIL

There’s some tech problem sometimes- only your post is displayed rather than all the replies? Of course you dont need to post again, but if you didnt mind just telling us that you had got them?  Thank you.

[OddsocksParticipant]

StS

Thank you for sharing such personal information. I found it very moving. What a lovely person- so supportive and not disapproving!

 

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Oddsocks, thank you for your comment. She is an amazing friend, and I feel so fortunate to have her in my life. She is helping me heal in many ways. Humans are social beings, and we can’t really heal in isolation.

The hoarding has held me back from pursuing many friendships because I would think, “At some point you’re going to have to face the possibility of the new friend expecting to be invited over to your house. Oh, no. That’s too terrifying. I better not pursue this friendship….”

I started learning about developmental/childhood trauma at the start of the pandemic. Seeing the hoarding as adaptive behavior in response to trauma and emotional neglect helped me begin to feel more self-compassion. The hoarding is not my fault. It’s my responsibility — but it’s not my fault. There is nothing wrong with me; something wrong happened to me.

I think because I was feeling better about myself, I had the courage to pursue this friendship. And I’m so glad I did

[DILofHoarderParticipant]

Thanks for all the helpful comments, I really appreciate that its hard to help people that don’t want to change and it’s their choice. I also know that for some of you this is hard to talk about.

The mental health support did help create safe pathways for a bit but its back to square one again. I think she maybe ‘churns’ stuff from place to place. I think that probably occupies all day.

I think the doctor is aware of some of the issues and wasn’t too helpful. Suggested that we do a social services referral as it would be quicker. We are waiting for a care needs assessment from social services as without us doing shopping, cooking and finances she would not be able to manage. She is presentable and cleans so that is not an issue.

I do agree that something must have triggered this but she won’t engage in conversations about mental health or depression – I am not sure she really understands what that means.

It’s hard to stop thinking about, and very hard not to feel guilty that we can’t do more.

Love to everyone,

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

DILofHoarder, I feel for you and your family — wanting to help your MIL but not really being able to.

She’s lucky to have you to help with shopping, cooking and finances.

Showing her you love her and care about her <3

 

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by ShedTheShame.
• This reply was modified 4 years ago by ShedTheShame.

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Letting go of guilt is a serious issue. STS is looking into developmental trauma, I have spent much time thinking about guilt. Feeling guilty about a situation you have no control over is not helpful. It will put pressure on you and you pass the pressure on. I herby declare you free of guilt regarding your MIL living situation.

You are doing wonderful. Helping in so many ways already and you would help in more if she would let you.

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

DILofHoarder, hope this reaches you. I’m reading a book written by a psychiatrist, David R. Hawkins, titled LETTING GO. This excerpt about The Healing Effects of Love made me think of your situation with your MIL and not being able to help her much:

Betty was 34 yrs old, but she looked much older because she was thin and drawn. She entered the office carrying armloads of paper bags, which were later found to contain 56 different bottles of health store preparations, vitamins, nutritional supplements, plus several bags of special food. Her fear had started out as a germ phobia and soon everything around her seemed to be possibly contaminated with germs. She had many health fears of contracting contagious diseases, which had progressed now to a fear of cancer. She believed every scare story she read, so she was afraid of nearly every food, the air she breathed, and getting sunshine on her skin. She wore white clothes because she was afraid of dyes in the materials.

In the office, she would never sit down because she was afraid that the chair might be contaminated. Whenever she needed a prescription, she asked that it be written from the middle of the prescription pad which had not been touched. Furthermore, she wanted to tear the page from the pad herself; she didn’t want me to touch it because possibly I had gotten germs from shaking hands with the last patient. She wore white gloves at all times. She requested to be treated by telephone as she was too afraid of making the trip to the office again.

The following week on the telephone, she said that she was afraid to get up. She would call from home while still in bed because now she was afraid to go out on the streets. She had developed a fear of muggers, rapists, and air pollution. At the same time, she was afraid to stay home in bed for fear that she might get worse and, to compound all her other fears, she was afraid that she was losing her mind. She was afraid that the medication wouldn’t help her and that it might have side effects, but she was afraid not to take it for fear that she would not get better. Now she said that she had a fear that she might choke on the pills and had stopped taking even her health pills, much less the prescribed medication.

Her fears were so paralyzing that every therapeutic maneuver was totally stymied. She wouldn’t allow me to talk to her family. She was afraid they would find out that she was seeing a psychiatrist and think she was crazy. I was totally baffled and racked my brain for weeks on how I could possibly help her. Finally, I let go. I experienced the relief of surrender in that I totally gave up: “There is absolutely nothing I can do to help her. The only thing left to do is just to love her.”

And so, that’s what I did. I just thought of her lovingly, and frequently I sent her loving thoughts. I gave her as much love as I could possibly give when we talked on the telephone and, finally, after a couple of months of “loving therapy,” she got sufficiently better to come to the office. As time went on, she improved and her fears and inhibitions began to diminish, though she never did develop any insight. She was too afraid of talking about psychological matters, she said, and so over the months and eventually years of treatment, the only thing I ever did was to love her.

Personally, I feel like this is what occurred when my new friend offered to just sit with me while I worked on my clutter. She helped me without even stepping foot into my house. She helped me by making me feel loved, and on my own — I chose to take an action to care for myself by mopping the floor.

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