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ShedTheShame
Welcome, Jo1975. Sorry to hear you’re in this very difficult situation. Since your MIL is in complete denial, I would suggest trying to get her to realize that she has a problem. Because without self awareness, it’s going to be impossible to get your MIL to change. I think the moment I realized that I had a problem was while watching an episode of Oprah and realizing that I shared the behavior highlighted in the episode.
In an earlier response to another poster, I shared a link to the documentary
My Hoarder Mum and Mewhich was made by Jasmine Harman, the woman who established this site. I also shared links for several episodes of Jasmine working with others. Would it be possible to sit down with your MIL and watch the documentary and/or episodes together?? Sorry I have no sure fire solutions for you. It’s a very difficult condition to crack.
You can find my earlier post here
https://www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=944 ” class=”bbcode_url”> https://www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=944 Wishing the best for you and your family,
StS
Kim2014
Hello Jo, and welcome. 
I don’t know if knowing more about the situation would help to answer you better, but it could be helpful to get a better idea.
Can I ask how old is she, and is your general impression at yours (ie mugs ect) that she’s depressed/disengaged/beyond bothering, or simply lazy/unused to taking care of things, and enjoying being waited on, or is she in a lot of pain/afraid of damage so feeling entitled to expect others to do stuff?
Has she actually been directly asked to take mugs to the kitchen and make her own drinks, or is it more that you’d hope for and expect that behaviour from her but no one’s told she has to.
You say she’s in denial, however if you think about it, regardless of what she’s saying (which can be a defence mechanism btw) she knows she has an issue because she’s been keeping you from seeing it. Perhaps looking at if she would like to feel she could have people over might be a starting point. ie just the practicality angle as someone injured returning to a difficult to manage home.
I’ve gone into places that where rammed full, with an attitude of ‘it might be easier for you if things where moved around so you could access xyz…’ rather than ‘this needs clearing out.’ Sometimes tackling some of the visible bit of the issue first can make it easier to tackle the bigger issues later.
General advice is treat with compassion, understanding (or simple sympathy if you don’t understand) downplay drama and any enormity of it all, it may have shocked or horrified you, but IME NOT being shocked or horrified, treating it as a job that needs doing rather than a huge undertaking and being compassionate and practical can make a substantial difference.
arielsmelody
You haven’t said how long you expect your MIL to live in your house – is it permanent or just until her shoulder heals? It’s early days, so I think you need to be very strict now, because if you leave it and tiptoe around her as a guest who can do whatever she wants, it will be very difficult to change later. So I’d set out a very definite ‘my house my rules’ situation. Don’t let her order things to be delivered to your house, and if she does, turn the parcels away. Insist on going into her room and throwing away (genuine) rubbish, dusting, hovering at regular intervals.
Is the plan for her to go home? Can you go in there and clear a liveable space, and make it very clear that she is going back?
It seems rude, but there are so many stories of someone hoarding one house, being forced to move, then carrying on and making the next place unliveable. Obviously support her, and help her to get things back together, but if she tries emotional blackmail recognise it early and protect yourself and your own living space. Make sure you get your husband on your side – if he won’t be tough with his mum when she needs it, it will be very difficult for you.
chaosqueen
MY husband and I have a deal, your family your problem, my family my problem. I think what arielsmelody pointed out is crucial. You need to have your husband in the same boat with you, preferably him setting the rules with MIL. This is a worst case scenario but if you end up being the “evil one” this could cause some real problems.
I also agree with having rules in place and insisting on them being kept. Actually I agree with everything that has been said so far!
Jo1975
I don’t really know what to do next. She has been living with us for the last 5 weeks and completely fed up. I went to work on Thursday at 06.30 got home at 16.30. Had texted MIL to ask if wanted a shower and she did. When I got in she started an argument, so I asked her to go to GP for a review as this is the third fall in eight months, not unreasonable well she kicked off, her behaviour disgusting. In the end I told her she wasn’t speaking to me in my own home like that. After everything we have done. Somebody else has suggested GP, I explained we just care about her but adamant not going. Has refused us getting social services involved even though explained to help us as we both work full time. She is now filling up our lounge, she gets at least two deliveries a day from amazon completely taken over our sofa, my daughter has no where to sit. She is manipulative and trying to cause trouble between me and my husband. Won’t acknowledge she has a problem. I am going to discuss with social services where we stand, living on our sofa is not a long term solution
Nana
I think it is time to act – take photos of the pile of purchases, contact people – it is about you, not her, so you don’t need her permission to request help for your problem – dealing with your mother in law. At home try reversing her tactics – move the things off the sofa into her space, tell her that you need to see the doctor due to your stress over her behaviour and you might need to go somewhere to have a rest due to all the problems you have making you feel really ill. When telling your mother in law about your needs and plans don’t mention her – just go on about how you feel you are at breaking point and how you need to get help….
I can have some sympathy for a hoarder, I am one after all, but only at home – and leaving space for the ‘normal’ in my life.
I am sorry things are spinning out of control that quickly. What does your husband say about this situation? Really sorry it sounds a very unhappy situation for you. Obviously she can’t stay on your sofa long term – but you haven’t said what plans if any, either you, he, or her had/have other than you want someone else to deal with her because it’s not working out. (very understandable but possibly not the easiest way forward.)
Without a better idea of her rough age and general health, and if her injury is healing fast or slowly, and where your husband is on all this, it’s difficult to advise you how to access the right help from SS. She needs help with showering and can’t do this alone, which before cuts would suggest she was entitled to a care package. However, care packages are notoriously flimsy and generally councils would do their best to do as little as possible where there was a family that could deal with it. Do you and she both come under the same council?
IMO where you stand: you have voluntarily* taken her into your home as her own would be impossible for her currently, possibly with no active plan for going forward? If this is correct you and your husband need to formulate a plan on how to move forward – people here may be able to help you do that. SS may also be able to help you do that, but from their point of view *they may feel they don’t have to do anything.
She isn’t grateful, her behavior is unreasonable, her attitude upsetting. Your relationship and environment are being affected.
You and your husband need to tackle that behavior, pretty much as you would with your daughter when she’s a teenager pushing boundaries. What is his reaction to all of this, and are you on the same page?
Is she buying all this stuff on the internet? If so can you disable it during the day?
If your MIL is compulsively spending, I have a bad feeling that there might be financial problems she is hiding from you / to come in the future. I agree with other people – you need to sit down with your husband and work out what your plan is for the future. How far away is her home – could she cope if you popped in every day or two to make sure she had food and is washing?
It sounds as if she needs help with her mental health, but unless she admits it to herself, it’s going to be pretty much impossible to force it onto her. She isn’t meeting you halfway at the moment so either you give in or you push back before things get too far. Certainly, you shouldn’t let her pile things up on your sofa – why should your daughter be left with nowhere to sit in her own home?
My feeling is that you need to get her house to a state where she can live in it, offer to help with cooking/cleaning/washing (or to help arrange carers), and insist that she has to move back.
So we did have a plan, I spoke to her GP and they wanted to give her the once over and had some additional support to offer. Also going to speak to social services for help to make property liveable. So mil has refused to agree to our plan. Starting to realise that she is manipulative and doesn’t want to go anywhere. Mil and son are close and my husband phoned her everyday to make sure she was okay before this. I realise that it is a difficult situation for him stuck in the middle but he does agree this isn’t permanent. She never really acknowledges me, I bought her food and she pays my husband when she knows I paid!!!!! When we have conversations in the evening she answers even if my husband is speaking to me. So this really can’t continue for too much longer. Anyway I have contacted social services because this is having a massive impact on our lives, so my husband and I both think we need to know exactly if anything can be offered. I am starting to think we have tried and she has refused to acknowledge there is a problem so just let her go back once had some physio. At the moment she has capacity, mil showed last Thursday when she started screaming at me because I asked her to go to GP that there is going to be no reasoning with her. Also made me realise she is controlling all of this.
I hate to think what her finances are as still working at 74 years old. She says she can’t afford to stop working so who knows how much debt she has.
Oddsocks
(Apologies- when I previewed this it reads as rather brisk. That’s not the intention!) Such a lot of good and wise suggestions already! Bits and pieces: if she is elderly and unable to wash she might have been entitled to visits from a carer organised by social services (as has been said already, they are very short of cash). But they would probably refuse to send someone due to the health and safety risks of her house.
Once her shoulder has healed, there is no reason to stay in your house. She can go back to her home. Yes its cluttered and dirty but she was living in it before.
If its nearby and easy for you to do, the parcels that she orders to be delivered to you can be taken over to her house. They are her property and it is her home. Yes, it will add to the clutter, but its been her decision to buy things in the full knowledge of the lack of space.
Other people have talked about things like your home, your rules, and your right to be assertive. Also been comments hoping that your husband is being helpful?
She wont take any action, and you cant make her. It sounds like a defeatest thing to say, but its not worth you putting in lots of time and effort to try and make her admit she has a problem and take action. Your priority is having a good and happy home for yourself and your family.
Also, there is a section on this site for families and friends- click on the tab.
I bet she’d want to come to the GP if you made an appointment and let slip that it was to talk about her… Personally, I dont think that you need to improve the state of her house before she moves back in. That would be a hassle and she would make a lot of fuss. She was living in it before, she can live in it again. Her decision whether to actually start working on it. I dont know how soon fractured shoulders heal, and how they limit her activities? 5 weeks is a while. Can she wash and dress herself, and lift a pan or kettle? If so, she doesnt have to stay with you. Otherwise, I dont know how it works with social services doing the assessment required of what help she needs when she is actually staying with you. You’d need to be really clear that you being carer(s) is not an option.
If she can afford it, she can also get private carers for personal care. And cleaners, but I dont see that happening!
If possible, if you get posted parcels for her, you can just redirect them to her house! Tell her in a matter of fact way that will happen. Might be a problem if its a courier who turns up on the doorstep,as they can reasonably say the address is correct. But postal things? You may decide that is too confrontational tho, but certainly once she goes home.
As others have said, the people who have priority are those who live there ie you, your husband and in particular your child! Absolutely fine to not tell us posters details of course. You’ve not mentioned how your husband is reacting to all this. I do hope he’s been on your side.
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