New to the Forum! Hello…Xx

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Welcome, Ms Shop A. Holic — and please don’t apologize for sharing your insight!

I think you’ve identified the root cause of your shopping addiction. For the past 8 months I’ve been focused on improving my feelings of self-worth because I’m quite convinced low self-worth is the root cause of my depression and hoarding behavior. My entire life I’ve been a people pleaser, seeking approval from others.

Learning to be kind to myself — even praise myself — has helped tremendously. It wasn’t easy, though, because my default is self-criticism and perfectionism. In the beginning, I felt SO uncomfortable telling myself good things. Quite honestly, I felt like quite the *sshole :roll: But I’ve stuck with it and feel much better about myself these days.

On the 20th I’ll be giving a presentation at an annual hoarding conference about the work I’ve been doing on myself. Both nervous and excited about it :shock:

I believe that the external chaos is a reflection of what’s going on deep down inside us. We can heal ourselves. It all begins within

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Hello Ms. Shop A. Holic! Love your sense of humor! hahaha is it okay to address you by your first name? Or would you prefer a more formal address? :lol:

Welcome to the forum! Throw anything out there you want to share. IF someone doesn’t like it, well, they can chose not to read it! Sounds like your shopping has some serious side effects. Do you know what makes it possible for you to stay away from shopping? You have mentioned things that triggered it, can you also tell when you don’t need it? I am not a shopaholic, but I think just like being a comfort eater I am a comfort shopper. I don’t shop online, but when I am out getting groceries and I am stressed, I end up getting all kinds of things that weren’t on the list and that I don’t need. Usually thins that are on sale, or things I might need blablabla, it is more of a preparing for things to come mindset. These days I usually catch myself doing it and then I take deep breath. Last time for instance I had have a cart full of cute dishes. I did the math. and realized in total it is a lot ore than I want to spend. I pictured my stack of dishes at home and admitted to myself that I had plenty and then I reminded myself that there will always be cute dishes around and when the time does come when I need them I will buy them. And then I put them BACK! total rockstar, I know! :lol:

Maybe this can sometimes work for you. As you shop for different reasons and as it is about the thrill of the good deal or new item it might not help much, but I think you could give it a try. Even if it works only 1 out of 10 times that would be 10%

Happy you are here and share away!

[bluesyjayParticipant]

welcome Ms. Shop A. Holic!

just a quick note to say I can relate in my own similar / different way to the shopping mermaid singing her dangerous song

I am still very much caught in this thing

I am becoming more aware of how agitated and anxious I feel even when shopping, because guilt is rising and also a numbing feeling

something in me going absent…

it has not stopped me yet but I did say to myself…wow this is NOT fun…

I also felt something queasy in my stomach…

for me it is a start, since a lot of me trying to be rational and good and reasonable and this and that has not worked

I am focusing on the REAL feeling underneath the moment of madness

it is NOT good..

not really a pleasure

more of a frenzy….a zoning out…a lot of stress

i want to see if that helps me attach a different experience to shopping and have less of a pull to it…

please share away

wishing you all the support and healing

[OddsocksParticipant]

ShedTheShame wrote:

On the 20th I’ll be giving a presentation at an annual hoarding conference about the work I’ve been doing on myself. Both nervous and excited about it :shock:

Lots of luck! They will be *so* lucky to hear you! Bound to make you a bit nervous beforehand, but given the way you write about your experience here, its highly likely you will present well at the conference. Good that you have the excited about it feeling too!

[OddsocksParticipant]

Welcome!

I can see how hard it is for you when you have such strong reasons to want to buy things. Very difficult to resist temptation. My problem is with hoarding-so grateful that buying things isnt a hoarding issue. It has been financially, since I was made redundant. I have done things like not buying something the first time I see it. I dont write it down. I usually dont remember about it- one purchase saved!

And banning myself from looking at or going into shops where there will be temptation to buy something. I didnt realise how much I enjoyed browsing and impulse buying in bookshops until I banned myself from them! I rarely actually read the ones I bought.

I’ve sometimes used the option of only taking cash when shopping, and not a large amount. Rather than the swift buying with a card it makes the money more real- quite a shock!

But the emotional reasons you have will be tougher. I’m lucky enough to have a counsellor and have worked with her about the emotional reasons I have to save things, but of course counselling is usually not free, or short number of sessions after a wait on the NHS.

Maybe dont think about stopping for ever? Aim to resist it on the day the temptation occurs, rather than burdening yourself by seeing it as a commitment for ever. Could it help when you are being tempted to remind yourself that its such a huge issue for your relationship? Just in case that can outweigh the urge to buy?

But I’m no expert on this, and its the throwing away I have problems with. Using books as my example again, when I am not looking at a bookshelf it sounds so straightforward to take a load to a charity shop. But when I am looking at a bookshelf there isnt a single one I decide I can get rid of!

As other’s have said, its absolutely fine to write whatever you want to, as often as you want to, here! I hope that things get better for you.

[OddsocksParticipant]

Ms Shop A. Holic wrote:

However, it’s not long before I’m running on the wheels of an adrenline-fuelled thrill seeking shop again, without being able to recall how l found myself back at that point.

Just thinking; it would be so helpful to be aware of this? Could you plan ahead that you will think about that and write it down when the temptation returns? And/or write a diary regularly, so you can look back?

[bluesyjayParticipant]

@Oddsocks

love what you wrote

@Ms Shop A. Holic

how is it going?

[Ms Shop A. HolicParticipant]

Update…

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Hello all…

Sorry, l came off here for a rather LONG time.

I can’t thank everyone enough for their open and honest replies. It was much appreciated and l have been re-reading them today.

I think time got the better of me and l was very much in denial in assuming that l was “getting better”.

I returned to work (from Maternity leave) only 6 or so weeks after writing my last post. After that things got a tad crazy with the usual things that come with acclimatising oneself back in to full time work and managing two babies (although admittedly my Husband is a wonderful and very hands on Daddy).

For a time the busy schedule provided a distraction from the shopping and l was enjoying being back in corporate environment. However, weeks in to my return to work l fell ill and then became very ill before it was discovered that I actually had serious pneumonia.

I very briefly went in to hospital, came out and made the mistake of returning to work only a week and a half after having being diagnosed with pneumonia and fluid on the lungs. Perhaps subconsciously, [even then] l was afraid of being home alone and left to my own devices…

After falling ill again due to not resting properly, l DID find myself at home and signed off sick for a further 4 weeks.

However, issues REALLY started to arise once my medication for anxiety and depression stopped working. Unbeknown to me, the high strength antibiotics (l was on to aid my recovery) were actually cancelling out the affect of my medication, l started behaving strangely, acting irrationally and became highly emotional. By week THREE l went on the mother of all shopping sprees and spent 4 times the amount in the space of 5 – 6 days than l had in any single month over the past 4 years.

I literally couldn’t STOP hitting the “buy/purchase” button across a number of sites.

I actually felt like l was on the verge of a breakdown – it was surreal and completely hopeless.

Long story short, l realised that I’d MAJORLY f**ked up a few days later. I hadn’t taken out any real credit in years but l had on this occasion. All it had taken to entice me back in to a bit of shopping, was a few remarketing Ads appearing on my browser to return to those websites. Worse still, l should know BETTER as l work in advertising – l know exactly HOW these tools work (oh the irony).

My Husband who is generally mild mannered lost his temper physically 3 weeks ago when he came across this information whilst randomly checking our credit score (which he does from time to time).

My Husband isn’t an angry or violent person. However, on this occasion, he physically dragged me out of bed at 4am, grabbed me by the back and pressed an iPad in to my face whilst demanding that l showed him the credit account. I have never been frightened by my own Husband before, but l was on this occasion. However, my fear [and shame] of him seeing EXACTLY where the money had gone was far greater than anything else. I had started paying off the credit myself and l had planned (and hoped) to pay it off in secret via any additional commission that l was going to earn through work.

Needless to say, it was a DREADFUL morning. I still refused to open the account to show him and at one point was nearly accidentally thrown down the stairs by him. That is STILL a hard pill to swallow. I brought that out in my own Husband.

We’re abroad on our normal Christmas holiday, it’s still very awkward at times and I’ve paid off more of that debt. I will have it cleared by February. The only consolation is that it was interest free but it won’t undo what happened on that morning.

I did enrol myself a while back in to a hoarding self help group which operates similarly to AA meetings which was rather good. However, my Husband is the sole driver in our household and he has been working away over the course of ALL the meetings since l attended the first 2 sessions which was a real shame.

However, there have been some great suggestions here which l could definitely give a try – particularly ascertaining what my triggers are to stop the splurges BEFORE they happen.

Also, someone made another very valid point about just abruptly stopping. It’s not realistic. I think whenever I’ve gone completely cold turkey, l found a few months down the line I’ve quickly succumbed to spending when I’m finally overwhelmed. However, my Husband would never allow that. Today l asked for a small pair of earrings (inexpensive costume jewellery) as I’ve travelled and completely forgotten to pack ANY jewellery for our holiday or Christmas day out here – which was a very stupid mistake. My Husband is now on edge and flew in to a mini rage saying that l only wanted the earrings “for the sake of buying something…”. I left it as it wasn’t worth the argument…

Anyway, l want to wish everyone a FABULOUS Christmas and brilliant New Year!!!

Stay strong!!! Xxxxx

😘😘😘😘😘

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Hello all…

It’s my first time posting on this forum.

I’m just looking to talk to like minded people on here and feel comfortable talking openly about my addiction.

I’ve seen many posts on here with people in very similar predicaments/scenarios.

I thought it would be the ideal place to talk and “share”.

I have a serious shopping addiction and this has also lent itself to hoarding at home too.

I know it’s a real issue that l need to address as it affecting [and hurting] my Husband who l love dearly and l know that in the long term this could be very detrimental to our marriage and in turn our family life.

At times l believe my Husband puts my spending on a par with infidelity. Although this is financial infidelity, l believe this [at times] hurts him far more than relationship infidelity ever would, as shopping almost acts as the “third person” in OUR relationship and breaks down the trust in our marriage.

I find myself repeating the cycle frequently, it’s like running on an ever-spinning hamster wheel. I find that I’m able to get off at points for reasonable periods of time; However, it’s not long before I’m running on the wheels of an adrenline-fuelled thrill seeking shop again, without being able to recall how l found myself back at that point.

I don’t know HOW realistic it is for me to just STOP or go TOTALLY cold turkey for a long period of time…however, l would one day like to be able to shop like a “normal” person, without over-indulging and being able to discipline myself to distinguish between a “want” and “need” as opposed to an endless cycle of reward and indulgent behavioural patterns.

I know that my achilles heel is the “reward” of shopping. Unfortunately, it has deep seeded roots in my childhood where l was one of two siblings in a single parent household who [at the time] had to make sacrifices through no choice of my own to help better my sibling and secure their future. This has resulted in periods of self loathing, insecurity and bouts of depression and anxiety in adulthood. I use my shopping as a crutch/support mechanism, sometimes even as a badge of honour (to boost my self esteem and make me appear worthy amongst my peers and colleagues). At times it’s even part of a fantasy of a “step-ford wife” meets “yummy mummy” meets “Powerful career woman” but again l know this isn’t ALL real, but l feels it gives me a semblance of respectability when I’m feeling insecure. I know it’s also in retaliation (to my Mother’s treatment) to feeling like the “lesser” child and at times l even [ridiculously] still seek my Mother’s approval and acknowledgement at having succeeded in adulthood – in some trivial way.

Apologies, l appreciate that l have gone off on a tangent but this is more of a snapshot in to my issues and l guess starting to put pen to paper [so to speak] to finally challenge myself and truly explore these issues further.

I would love to get some help and/or just chat here for advice/support…xxx

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Xx

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Aww! Poor you. Sounds like you had a rough couple of weeks. Very sorry to hear about how things spiraled out of control. It just shows how much pressure this puts on every one. Not only you, but also your husband. I am really not sure how I feel about the situation and what to say about it.

Would having a saving goal help you to shop less? Like saving up money to get a drivers license? You would still need to find someone to watch the kids to attend meetings when he is out of town, but you could at least get yourself there.

I do comfort shop, but only small items and never have taken out credit to buy anything but a house, so I am not really in a position to say I understand whats going on or what might help.

Finding what triggers behavior is definitely helpful not matter what the damaging behavior is.

[Ms Shop A. HolicParticipant]

Hi Chaos queen.

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, l could definitely do with reassessing what my triggers are. You’re absolutely right.

Sadly and shamefully l hadn’t taken out ANY credit in years bar our mortgage. What l spent was nearly the equivalent to my monthly salary – so although it was bad it could’ve been worse – though that certainly doesn’t excuse my behaviour. I was more upset and seeing how BADLY it hurt my Husband.

You’re absolutely right about putting money in to a savings accounts towards something specific – l did before and it worked.

I must admit that l transfer most of my monthly salary straight into my Husband’s account to contribute to my share of the joint mortgage and the household bills, he sorts out all of the admin so I’ve never not paid towards our bills. However, admittedly l could do with treating my family when l DO earn commission on top of my pay.

Xxx

chaosqueen wrote:

Aww! Poor you. Sounds like you had a rough couple of weeks. Very sorry to hear about how things spiraled out of control. It just shows how much pressure this puts on every one. Not only you, but also your husband. I am really not sure how I feel about the situation and what to say about it.

Would having a saving goal help you to shop less? Like saving up money to get a drivers license? You would still need to find someone to watch the kids to attend meetings when he is out of town, but you could at least get yourself there.

I do comfort shop, but only small items and never have taken out credit to buy anything but a house, so I am not really in a position to say I understand whats going on or what might help.

Finding what triggers behavior is definitely helpful not matter what the damaging behavior is.

[Author]

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