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chaosqueen
Hello Longterm8. do you remember you previous log in name? I wouldn’t mind reading up on what was said already. I have a million questions. You can answer them all or not at all.
Can a compassionate approach work? I am sure it can, unfortunately I can’t promise you anything. How much money are you willing to spend on your compassionate approach? Is your friend willing to store his things else where? Will your friend be able to stop bringing more things in? How big of a loss are you willing to take personally? I don’t think anyone will compensate you if your friend’s hoarding destroys your house. How safe are you with someone in the hose who has aggressive mode swings? How much does this affect your personal life? How long has your friend been living with you and how much longer do you expect him to live with you?
Okay. I shall end for now in case you do want to answer some of them!
squirrelnutkin
I think maybe you will to go through the process of evicting him legally before services will kick in to accommodate and treat him. Not sure about your exact circumstances so you would get different legal advice depending on exact nature of arrangement/relationship.
I think you want your house back but at the same time make sure he is being cared for properly (but not in your house). His needs/condition sound too complex for you to deal with and he needs professional input.
You are in physical danger from the stuff and also I suspect your personal safety is threatened by his aggression. You are in a domestic abuse/coercive controlling behaviour type situation.
It sounds as though his condition is deteriorating and he needs professional treatment beyond your capability. His presence in your home is detrimental to your own well-being.
Does he receive state benefits? (I think you are in UK.)
I think you would be happy if he went into residential or supported accommodation (and was looked after) but this depends on his age/assessed needs.
Does he have a Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN)?
Not sure if you have been to Citizens Advice Bureau.They should be able to talk you through legal options to achieve what you want.There are some free legal advice clinics out there too.
Thinking about answers to CQ’s questions and mine too will help you get things clear in your head, and think what you want to happen in the future.
I think because you have come back to forum you are getting ready to make decisions. The time has arrived.
Longtime8
CAB twice, they recommend services that I have already tried, and who say they can’t help. My landlord is going to have a look. I’m petrified, but at least he won’t be threatening my landlord. And when my landlord says it has to go, he can’t resist. Others have suggested my only hope is to move out of the property, but I can’t get access to my stuff as his is in front on it. bluesyjay
Hello, I do not have much to say at a pragmatic, institutional level, as I am in a different country, where hoarding is hardly acknowledged.
and CQ and squirrelnutkin have already given much input
I just wanted to add that I always believe in a compassionate approach, and I do believe it is the only way to go through life, at least following my own nature, but it is not a given, it is something to always be working on.
The thing is, it is the hardest way to navigate. I am speaking about this in a general way, not speaking of hoarding here, but anything mostly.
Inside ourselves and in a world that is very often far from compassionate.
Also, sometimes the compassionate way is not necessarily visible at a tangible level.
There are times when doing what is best for someone we care about may not SEEM compassionate, because we need to set boundaries, say no, take firm actions, and we need to do it in a way that is strong. Not necessarily harsh, but strong, unyielding.
That may be much harder for the one having to give the tough love than for the person receiving it.
I have often find myself in a torturous place because I felt I had to be tough, only to realise that it was tough only for me, because the receiving end did not even notice, or was not disturbed by it, or even better needed that and acknowledged it in a positive way.
On the other side, on the receiving side, I can recognise when there is tough love coming my way that I may not “like” but that I can appreciate and feel as love and as compassionate. Sometimes it may take a while to be ok with it, but you can feel where things come from. I have always appreciated it.
Other times there are things coming my way that are still given out of love but that hurt me because of my own sensibility, or different world view, or vulnerability…I can recognise once again where they are coming from but do not have to make them mine.
Lastly, you do need to think about your own well being in all of this, or whatever you do will not come from a true place of compassion, but of self-sacrifice…
We need to be as compassionate to ourselves as we aspire to be with others.
Sometimes we tend to see the self-compassion, self-love, self-care, as self-ish, but it is the only starting point in order to be TRULY compassionate.
All of this I have a hard time with, and it is often what is blocking me in my own life, navigating how to set boundaries for myself while remaining compassionate and loving.
I have noticed that if I do not respect myself, I can become, angry, resentful, sometimes mean, far from compassionate, because those are my only defences when I have been unable to protect myself and my well-being.
sincerely hope something in my rambling and sharing can be of help
Oddsocks
I will try to do a better message, but wanted to do one now. The sad and tough aspect of your situation is that you have already tried being compassionate and its not improved his behaviour. In fact, he continues to put your safety at risk-
make sure to dial 999 if he is aggressive. Although you arent partners, you share a home and face issues where a domestic violence helpline might be relevant (its not just physical abuse). Free, 24hr Phone 0808 2000 247. And he hasnt changed his hoarding habits which may damage your home. It must be so frustrating that he’s not received any help.
This particular post is about housing
You mentioned a landlord? It would be up to them if they wanted to take action like eviction. They might want to do so if the house is being damaged. Is your friend also a tenant? Otherwise it might be you being evicted too? But most landlords are more reasonable.
However, they might make it a condition that the state of the house is improved. If your friend cant/wont do that, in effect he would need to leave so that both of you being evicted?
But hopefully it wont reach that stage. As you say, the landlord telling him that clutter had to removed might be enough to make your friend tackle the hoarding.
I hesitate to suggest another agency. But Shelter could be useful? Lots of info on their site and they have a helpline and offices.
https://england.shelter.org.uk/get_help (if you are in England).Its sad that you are now considering moving out- which would mean you were homeless! it you do want to, him having a wall of stuff on top of yours doesnt mean that he has to throw things away. Just temporary, while you take out your stuff, then he can put all his stuff back. So you dont need to have a confrontation? Make sure to wear gloves.
By the way,it concerns me that you thinked previous posts from us to you were saying that he is a bad person I don’t read all the posts, so cant be sure, but I’ve not heard anyone say that. Its behaviour that is bad. My post is yet another thinking that the best situation for you would be him to move out. Not that you should just throw him out?
Thanks for the above. He isn’t a tenant…he has a home of his own! But has never lived successfully independently, and has been in a care home before! This is why I get so frustrated that services ignore the problem. By the way, I have asked services for help because I have tried hard and spent a lot of money trying to solve the problem on my own and everything has failed. To add to the above, all services say they can’t help because it is due to mental illness. Even when police took him to the station due to aggression, he seemed to value the care and attention! They said they couldn’t do much else as it was mental illness. The mental health team were told and still didn’t get in touch to suggest management of the aggression. Still I’ve some more things to try. ShedTheShame
Longtime8 wrote:
I can’t remember my details from when I used this site before, so I have a different name now. I posted quite a bit about how my friend’s hoarding in my home was having a negative impact and how everything I tried to do to manage it failed.
Was this your previous post under a different username?
https://www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=871 ” class=”bbcode_url”> https://www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=871 Nana
I have been thinking about this sad situation ever since I read about it. I am wondering now if enlisting the landlord’s help would be the thing to do – if you explain that you never invited this man to move in, nor to bring his things to your home, and that you have exhausted all possible agencies to get help, and put in a plea for assistance maybe there is some help to be got from him. He is the cuckoo in the nest, and will get you thrown out of your own home if allowed to remain.
Thanks for caring. My landlord has been trying to help…so the few other services who were involved have backed off. Every time I try to engage him in sorting the problem he is either threatening/aggressive or rings round different services, saying he is a victim of domestic abuse! I’ve discovered that he was allocated his own domestic abuse worker, and there are people who say they are really worried about him because of the way I treat him!!! I’m a bit hurt that one is a charity worker who I thought had some understanding of the situation. Many a time I think I have just been talking about how to move forward, then the police come knocking, making accusations. I tell myself that his problem is so severe that he interprets any suggestion his stuff should be moved as abuse. I told mental health services this, and they keep saying to ring the police. He rings the police, and then they refer back to mental health services….who won’t help. My landlord got me a support worker, now they both say we are going round in circles…welcome to my world, I said. Sometimes I lie in bed and think things are ok, I can still read and get a cup of tea. Other times I feel so desperate, like there is no way out of this mess. If there is ever a solution, I’ll share it! Shed the Shame…Yes, so I’ve been trying to solve it for over two years! Oh. How about we help his abuse worker see that the only way out of this for him is to get him out of this horrible living situation with you and back into his own house? I mean clearly you are a bad enough person that he needs outside help and if they really cared they would get him out of there. :lol: Too many times the victim is seen as the aggressor or the faulty party. Take advantage of it. Tell them if they really care about his well being they should help him move out to his own safe space. They will either succeed and you are rid of him, or they wont’ and he will turn against THEM and they might finally see what you are talking about. It really is one big mess you are stuck in. Hope you will find a way out!
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