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Oddsocks.
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Nana
This isn’t a very active forum, I’m afraid, and it seems that there aren’t many resources available which are not rather heavy handed. We were pushed to pay a lot of money to have the house emptied when, as it turned out, it really wasn’t necessary.
But about your problem.
Is the whole house hoarded?
What sort of things are being kept?
The threats of you or your sibling being taken away presumably are how your hoarding parent is trying to prevent any action being taken – which is rather nasty when you think about it.
One form of retaliation would be to maintain that you are planning to leave home anyway and mention ways to leave – to live in a campervan or a shared house, or to take a job where you get accommodation included in the deal. You could of course pursue that course of action for real. My youngest went to live in student accommodation when attending university. Friends of ours had children go into the hotel business and they took jobs as live in staff in various jobs in kitchen or doing housekeeping. I have relatives working on cruise ships where accommodation is, naturally, part of the deal.
Whatever happens it isn’t your fault.
Having pulled myself out of a hoarded situation it is no ones fault but my own and it was my responsibility to sort it out for myself. It is close to an addiction, I think, and shares many features. You have your own life to lead and a clutter free future to look forward to.Oddsocks
It is absolutely not your fault! Make sure to believe that- its really true!
Its a disgrace that you have been threatened not to tell! Even if it became known and if professionals are involved, any decision taken about you and now your sibling would be what is needed for your sibling’s safety. Taking into care is a last resort. Whatever happens is not caused by you!
Its also your own decision about whether to tell someone. You dont mention what your younger sibling thinks. If they also want to talk to someone,they can talk to a teacher (if they are in school). You could talk to your GP. Their focus will be on your wellbeing. They can also advise you of any possible action. Nana’s advice to move out if you can is good.
Its very hard when someone does not see that their hoarding is a problem. You can read a little about that in the ‘friends and family’ link (below the login). Mind also have good information- google mind hoarding. There is a page about helping someone who hoards.
You can always talk to us! As Nana says, unfortunately it can sometimes be a while before messages are read and replied to.But they will be. People here are nearly all hoarders, who realise that’s a problem. So you may not get replies from other family members, but some of us understand what its like. I dont want you to be distressed. Take care!
I’ve been coming and looking at messages to see if there was one from Potatoes – I was a bit concerned about you – well that’s to say the least.
That is partly because I know just how bad I have been about keeping and acquiring things., but I seem to have coped with doing a good lot of sorting out, and I still feel good about getting the sink sorted out properly – I know both the good and the bad aspects.
There is no need to feel trapped, no matter what the hoarder says or claims about consequences.Potatoes
Hi Nana,
Thank you so much for replying to me. Sorry I didn’t get back, I didn’t want to bother anyone and I didn’t think anyone would see my messages.My mum does know that she has this problem, but I don’t think she quite realises the severity of it. I was talking to her the other day and she said she didn’t know how to get help, and apparently hoarding is ‘very untreatable’? I’m not sure what it even is that she hoards – it’s all stored away in bags and we can’t see it. I think that’s because we have a clothes moth infestation and she doesn’t want things to get ruined. The majority of the house is filled with stuff, but mine and my sibling’s bedrooms mainly just have our own things in them. Mainly. We own way too much as well, but it’s so hard to get rid of anything when my mum is desperate to be in control of it all. Old stuff rarely leaves the house, it just goes into a bag for charity which is left somewhere in the house, or my mum decides to keep it. So declutterring my bedroom leads to the downstairs being even worse.
Luckily I’ll be (hopefully) going to university very soon so I’ll be away from the house. I just worry about the future- it’ll take ages to earn the money to move out, and also how much worse is the hoarding going to get?!
You say your hoarding problem was your own fault, but my mum just blames the things that contributed to her hoarding. I told her I felt a lack of control over the environment and she said she doesn’t have control over it either. I want to help her but she gets so defensive whenever anyone brings it up. How in the world were you able to change things for yourself? Honestly though, well done, it can’t have been easy.
Thank you so much for your reply, Oddsocks.
I’m not sure what my younger sibling thinks of all this. They are quite young, and I don’t think they realise that this isn’t normal? I’m not sure, I’ll try to discuss it with them. I just worry because I’m not sure our house is safe. I don’t know at what point it becomes dangerous, but the big thing for me is that we can’t access the front door. We don’t have a big house but is it safe to only have one useable door? I don’t know. I’m worried that if I do tell someone, they’ll come to look at the house and not even be able to get in! I just don’t know what could happen.
According to my mum, children in care have horrible lives. I don’t want my sibling to have to experience that if I can help it, but obviously I want them to be safe above all.
Is it stupid to think my mum might just totally abandon me if I tell my GP or someone about this? She’d probably blame me if my sibling did have to get taken away, and she definitely wouldn’t respond well to any kind of deadline to sort things out by. I have too much stuff myself so I’m sure the first things to go would be mine in a situation like that. I think I need to sort myself out first, it’s just so hard when my mum wants to be in charge of every item in the house. She just shouts, she gets so distressed about the prospect of throwing things away (even when they’re not hers), and that whole experience is awful for me.
Thank you so so much for being here, both of you and anyone else who might come along.
I had to learn various tricks and strategies in order to even start to make progress.
One thing which helped was to use small bags, the smallest ‘bunny ear’ bin bags.
I went around and filled it with the most obvious rubbish, and then I threw it away.
If there were things to take to charity shops, I took them.
Getting things moving is essential – but not trying to empty out huge amounts at random. Start small but start a routine of altered behaviour, daily, weekly – it will eventually become the new normal.
Making one trip to the charity shop each week on a particular day – even at a set time, is part of altering the mindset.
That is what I had to do.
You might need to insist on that trip to the charity shop, presenting the alternative of ‘if it isn’t for charity then it must be rubbish and should go in the bin’ and you can tell your mother to stop shouting – it is allowed, insist that you are helping, insist that things change. You can even be cheeky and suggest that it might be your mother who is taken away as she is the one who is behaving abnormally, and then you will be able to get rid of all the things you no longer need.Thank you so much Nana :)
I just hope my mum will be receptive to that!
Thanks for sharing your experience though, it’s a relief to know it is possible for things to improve.
It did take a little while for things to really begin to change, but having a clean sink and an accessible cooker from early on did make quite a difference to everyday living. Being able to prepare food, do Yorkshire puddings, Christmas dinners, bake bread and cakes were steps on the way back.
The process has taken years, but in that time I have been able to do things I had found impossible when things were at their worst. Finding things again, making new clothes by sewing and knitting, playing musical instruments too.Now we have had new windows put in, and the front room and main bedroom have been decorated. Things are really looking good.
Update: my mum was not receptive to any conversation about her hoarding whatsoever. She gets so angry with me. Will she ever not be like that?
Family History
Hello Potatoes, I am a new member to this Forum. I have been reading posts for a while, but found it difficult to set up an account, but have finally managed it.
Just wanted to send a brief message of support, as your situation sounds difficult. I think probably that if I was you I would concentrate on getting away to university, if that is possible. I am thinking that you would be going this Autumn? Hopefully your relationship with your mother would improve if you were not living full time in the same house? And in the meantime perhaps think about getting your own room more as you would like it to be. (My own room is very overfull and untidy so I realise that is not easy.) And hopefully things will get easier in time as you and your sibling get older and more independent.
And yes, you and your sibling have the right to talk to a GP or teacher. Theoretically if they are concerned about your family they could contact social services on your behalf and it is possible that a social worker may visit. But they are very overstretched and short staffed so this would probably take a little while or they may decide that there is no need. Taking a child into care is an absolute last resort as it is so painful and disruptive. Also it is incredibly expensive and there is a shortage of foster home and care home places. So the care option is avoided unless thought to be absolutely necessary.
Please do bear in mind that not knowing you except through a few short posts it is hard to know what to suggest for the best – so all that I have written is just my thoughts, I have done my best but it may not be right for you.
Wishing you strength
Family History
Firstly, treatment for hoarding is available. Not always succesful, or easy to get, but there is some. Its not an excuse to do nothing about her hoarding. It almost sounds like she feels her stuff is in control.
Its up to her if she wants to do anything about it. You cant make a difference if she doesnt.
Its not acceptable to get angry when you talk to her. She can disagree, but not go that far. Its dreadful how she has threatened you too.
Fire safety includes having an easy route from any room out of the house. Having access to more than one door is clearly better.
Welcome Family History!Pleased that you have joined. The long, wise post that you wrote must have taken ages!
When your mum is getting angry she wants you to be controlled by her fear – whatever it is she’s frightened off.
You might need to be crafty and also a bit rude.
Tell her she’s the problem and you want to escape from her controlling behaviour, or words to that effect. It might seem cruel, but I suspect she’s been getting away with having her own way for a long time and having her child grow up and realise that the situation is not normal and then try to do something about it must be distressing.
I know it is – it was really quite difficult – it is still problematic, but I know I can do it now.
I suspect that I was influenced by reading of a hoarder with a house full of clothes she could not get rid off, and when they were looked at they had all been ruined by mice and were taken to be incinerated as a health hazard whilst she was wailing that they only needed to be washed to be alright again.
I wonder if your mother has ever actually taken any clothes to the charity shops and it is just a handy excuse she uses.
Perhaps – when she gets angry you could challenge her to prove that it her intention, and offer to help her get some of the bags to a charity shop.
It is hard, it is difficult – but it can be done. I know it can.Thanks for the welcome Odd Socks. My situation is not so urgent as it is for some other members of the Forum. But it seems to become more urgent as time passes as I am getting older and do not want those who come after me to be faced with a mountain of clutter. I have a LOT of stuff. A big chunk of it was inherited from my parents who had a house that was filled to the brim. The house was sold and I have a lot of the contents, too much. Plus I have far too many papers and books of my own which are hard to part with.
However, this thread is for Potatoes and I do feel for them and their sibling. I do not think I have much to add to the other posts except to say that hopefully life will become easier for them both as they get older and become less dependent on their mother. And yes, there is help out there – as well as specialist hoarding help there is counselling available from the NHS and from some charities.
Family History; I know this is Potatoes thread and you could start your own, but I think its OK to reply. I am such a similar situation! It was so hard clearing my mothers house out. The sheer volume, and things I wanted to keep, despite my flat being full already! I am also older. I think my nephew could just pay someone to clear it, but that’s a bad option as it would be very expensive. And its passing on the temptation to keep things. From a practical perspective, there’s the options of scanning documents or reading books online, tho that means buying them again. Which would be expensive if its not just a few. Reducing volume without loosing content is nice! I dont do either of those- I should do! Slow on clearing books. It used to be that I wouldnt keep a book if I had read it, something like a detective novel, but now I forget the ending so could read it all again!
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