- This topic has 9 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 3 years ago by
ZenAgain.
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ZenAgain
Whoa, this forum is like a ghost town. Thought it would be a little more active.
chaosqueen
Very sorry to hear about your loss. That is always a lot to deal with.
Why did you start with the Condo and not the house?
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This reply was modified 4 years ago by
chaosqueen.
“Why did you start with the Condo and not the house?”
I started with the Condo because it was costing me money every month (condo fees, taxes, etc.) and it had been neglected for 20 years. Wanted to get it cleaned up, and repairs done so I could rent it and get some income to replace a small portion of income I lost when my husband died. Plus, I was dealing with a lot of traumatic grief and I could hired contractors or have friends do a lot of the work, so it was very stress relieving. My home is more personal, and I’m now in a healthy state to focus on my house. I’ve just find it hard to get going some days.
Nana
Hello Zen Again I hoarded my house and am slowly freeing up from it, but I had to develop a little trick to get going each day by doing the same start up process.
I start off by clearing and cleaning the sink, which leads on to loading the dishwasher and having made a start I can continue.
When dealing with rubbish I use a small ‘bunny ear’ bag which I can fill up and take out straight away – at the start I could do that because it was easy to fill up and even now if I leave the bag part filled and hung on a door or drawer, in a very short time I can find things to fill it up so it is out of the house.
I used to go through big bags several times as I was concerned that I’d put something in which should not have been got rid of, but with the smaller bags and having only just filled it, I can be fairly confident that there is nothing of value in there.
I find that working with my habits to get around my weaknesses is how to keep things going forward.
When faced with a heap of things I always try to find a couple of easy fixes to start the process of sorting. I don’t make rules which make it harder, just stop when there are no more easy picks and go on to another area. After a while the carpet will appear and get cleaned and then soon that pile will be gone.
I do get angry with myself about the hoarding – I don’t know what it must be like to be the one having to clear up the piles.Oddsocks
Sorry about the delay- there is no moderator and there can be long gaps between posts. Also I am using a computer that cant do question or exclamation marks- there certainly should be some below.
Grieving can be mentally and physically exhausting. Not surprising it made clearing things out harder. Priority is taking care of yourself.
You are not a hoarder but may find some of the info here useful, about tactics in the self help section. Things like having a structure of a certain amount of time daily. The rest of the day you can take a break from the pressure. Advice is to gradually increase the amount of time, but anything is helpful
Give yourself credit for what you have managed to do. Maybe lower expectations- reaching a zen state of stuff would be difficult for anyone.
I find mornings hard. I have made the rule that I dont start any worrying about stuff, and what I need to do, until at least after breakfast. If mornings are harder than later in the day, it makes sense to only aim to do easier things in the morning. Things with less emotion, which are harder to do, in small amounts.
Its not recommended for decluttering, as its just moving stuff, but there is the option of tidying things up into boxes or shelves. Or bags. So it looks less messy.
MIND has a good section on their website about hoarding.
Its a tough situation- hoping it can get better.
Well, you have 2 options in my opinion. you can go by category, or by room. Going room by room I would start with the one I use most. Going by categories, I would start with the picking out everything I have no desire of keeping. Like everything that can be thrown out without thinking twice.
“Well, you have 2 options in my opinion. you can go by category, or by room.”
Yup, I’m doing a combination of that. I’m cleaning one room at a time and sorting by category – garbage, recycle. shred, donate, keep, and 2nd pass (for items I’m unsure about as they hold some sentimental value but I need time to think about it, or need more time to say goodbye as they hold memories about my husband).
I think it’s the emotional component that gets in the way. The stuff is all a reminder of his mental illness and cleaning it up is a reminder of his death.
(sorry that there has been another gap in reply)
The emotional component is a huge one! Something a reminder of a death must be the worst one possible. Good idea to have 2nd pass category. Only a problem if it still includes a lot, but having less of everything else will help.
You dont need to do this in a rush.Your grief is more important than his clutter? It can be a long slog grieving. My own experience is that it never goes away completely but has become less painful. It will vary about how long that might take- 22 months isnt a huge amount of time for some people.
It may not be easy, but if you could look on clearing the things as a way of clearing away his mental illness ,that might help a bit?
What I should have done but havent is gather all the sentimental stuff from the past together. Then I would see how much it is, and remove duplicates as well as just in general. It always raises sad feelings, particularly when its related to someone who died. Somethings linked to happy memories are so important! Remember that you can take photos of things, so not needing to actually keep them? Particularly if they are big things.
If it would be helpful, there is a charity called Cruse bereavement support (cruse.org.uk) Have a look in particular at their sections on ‘understanding grief’ and ‘get support’. I feel for you having to cope with all this- take care of yourself! As you have seen yourself, unfortunately, this board can be quiet. Personally, I should check regularly.
Thx for your response Oddsocks.
My 2nd pass items won’t have a lot of stuff. They are things like achievement awards, and items he bought when working overseas. I did take pictures of some big items such as his guitars before selling them though (and I kept 3 of them).
I definitely look at clearing out the stuff in the house as a way to clear away his mental illness. It’s so hard to get going. I’ve been dealing with a lot of upper back and shoulder tension since his death which gets in the way of sorting/cleaning, and it’s hard to lift some things that aren’t even that heavy. That’s frustrating, but I am seeing a physiotherapist regularly for that. I had a good week a while ago, then my tension flared up
The site you mentioned probably has info I’ve already read. The ‘get support’ tab wouldn’t be helpful as I’m in Canada. I’ve been seeing a therapist since my husband died, so I do have support around my grief and and to understanding/process his illness.
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