TIPS for Family and Friends

[kaizenParticipant]

I always appreciate your notes, StS! Thank you.

I think your notes on “Digging Out” by Tompkins & Hartl would also be useful here.

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Thanks for the suggestion, kaizen

Trying to help a loved one with hoarding issues requires a ton of patience and understanding :!: It’s a complex condition that seems to make no sense. But trust me… there actually is a kind of method to the madness, as impractical as it may be

For anyone attempting to help a loved one with hoarding issues, PLEASE educate yourself about the condition. Otherwise it could end up a very ugly, painful experience for both parties

These are two well-respected books on the subject matter. (I know reading books about hoarding is boring.) It would be best to read them in their entirety. But if that isn’t possible — here are notes I took while reading the books. Mind you, these are things that resonated with me. Every situation is unique. But reading something is still better than nothing.

Notes from the book Digging Out by Michael A.Tompkins & Tamara L. Hartl

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Just watched this video that came up in my YT feed. SO much of what she says resonates with me. I know nothing about her background, but she talks about the root cause of hoarding. I totally believe that in order to truly change hoarding behavior — you have to treat the fire… not just the smoke.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6b13QQNM1hw&t=1501s” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6b13QQNM1hw&t=1501s

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

I’m not in the UK but saw this video from Birmingham Safeguarding Adults Board.

In case it’s a helpful resource to anyone: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=fhmfptpwNZc” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=fhmfptpwNZc

[freesia]

Thanks, I welcome any suggestions for family who are dealing with hoarders. I realise most of my loved ones seem to lean towards this – though to different degrees and ways. I prefer minimalism though I make an exception for some books and crystals. The problem for me is being pushed out of my own home and space as I have adult children and also elderly parent and spouse in the home who all have various emotional issues and all tend to hoarding – while I have been seriously ill and recovering, the house has filled up and become chaotic. But no-one will listen to reason or help to clear up and I have some disability making this difficult. When I tackle an area – when back is turned – more stuff gets sneaked in. They refuse to hear or discuss there is a problem and say they will sort it out, but if I move anything or throw anything, even my own stuff, there is a huge row. I am one of the householders who pays the bills, but all these articles tell us that the hoarder’s feelings and rights are what matters, I don’t think anyone has a clue for those who live with them but cannot get through to them! I have nowhere for hobbies and cannot have the rescue dog I wanted due to the mess and I just feel hopeless and it is deadlock. Negotiating and trying to have boundaries have proved to be of no use

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

freesia, I’m so sorry to hear of your situation — especially that you are ill and trying to recover while outnumbered by family with hoarding issues This must be incredibly stressful for you.

freesia wrote:

all these articles tell us that the hoarder’s feelings and rights are what matters, I don’t think anyone has a clue for those who live with them but cannot get through to them!

There are quite a few posts throughout the message board from those of us with hoarding issues responding to family members such as yourself who are dealing with hoarders. I think you’ll find that those of us with hoarding issues don’t unilaterally side with the hoarder in these situations. It’s important to distinguish between situations where hoarders acknowledge they have issues and they want to change vs. hoarders who are in denial and lack self awareness.

Family can try to get their loved one to acknowledge the issue. The unfortunate reality is that they may not succeed. I don’t think family should sacrifice their own well being when hoarders are unable to acknowledge that they have a problem. You must take care of yourself. That could be declaring your personal clear areas of the home where they are not allowed to leave their things. Make sure they understand: “These are my areas that are to remain clutter-free. If you leave your things in these areas — I will remove them.” Once you’ve made that understood, if they leave something in your area… follow through by removing it. Don’t be wishy-washy because then the boundary will be muddy.

If that doesn’t work as a solution, you might need to move out in order to ensure your own well being. I understand that might be incredibly complicated or not even possible at this time. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers when it comes to hoarding disorder

I’ve uploaded YouTube videos about my recovery for 3+ years. Don’t know if it would help your family at all to hear someone with hoarding disorder speak about it? Maybe that would help them realize they’ve got issues that need to be addressed? https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwVPM0IiGyind1uwtXAInTg” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwVPM0IiGyind1uwtXAInTg

There is a video specifically about conflict with loved ones https://youtu.be/8VvPr2JUhDA” class=”bbcode_url”>https://youtu.be/8VvPr2JUhDA I see both sides. I haven’t pursued a romantic relationship in 15 years because I can’t imagine anyone could love me enough to put up with my hoarding issues I have sequestered myself.

[freesia]

Thank you ShedTheShame for your very kind reply and insights. I will watch and share the videos when the right moment is there.

My family are lovely people in all other respects and the hoarding behaviour crept up very slowly – it is hard to pinpoint when the turning points occurred. There have been losses and bereavements of older relatives through the years and the odd stressful events though I am not sure much more than most people experience through life. I think older relatives on both sides were potential hoarders but it was perhaps less easy to acquire excess things in the past, I don’t know. But no-one had a messy house, even if they had a bit of clutter. I feel for those we are hoarders and admire those who have been dealing with such issues – it cannot be an easy place to be either as you say, you are on the bench re relationships and I can see that effect on my loved ones, friends and family can be alienated along with romantic ties. It is a lonely situation for all concerned, no winners I guess. But glad that there is a possibilty of awarenesss and acceptance. Strangely, when I was working, I kew a lady whose husband was a compulsive hoarder and felt sorry for her, while never thinking this could occur to our family, even though maybe there were early signs. It has helped being able to discuss it as most people just judge and say make them chuck the stuff or chuck them out, but they are clearly vulnerable and it is a mental health condition so not something I would do.

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

freesia wrote:

My family are lovely people in all other respects and the hoarding behaviour crept up very slowly – it is hard to pinpoint when the turning points occurred.

I feel that hoarding issues generally creep up over time. Like that parable about the boiled frog. Put a frog in a pot of room temperature water, and as the heat is slowly turned up the frog isn’t aware of what’s happening until the water’s well on its way to boiling… and then the frog can’t climb out.

freesia wrote:

It is a lonely situation for all concerned, no winners I guess.

Agreed.

freesia wrote:

most people just judge and say make them chuck the stuff or chuck them out, but they are clearly vulnerable and it is a mental health condition so not something I would do.

Bless you for having this compassion. I know it can’t be easy to do so when their behavior is affecting you in such a negative way. Hope you can find a way to care for yourself and that your family will soon realize they have issues with hoarding and desire to change.

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I am a hoarder and I firmly believe people have a right to stand up and demand to not suffer from my hoarding. They do suffer, I know they do. In various amounts and in some ways they are so used to it, that they don’t seem to be affected. I sometimes wish they were a little more adamant in their requests.

I too, come from a family with hoarding tendencies. Mom and Dad both tend to hoard. It is just not as obvious cause they have so much room. My aunt is a full blown hoarder. My brother is a hoarder. So am I. I have relatives that are fairly cluttered and some who overshop but are mostly fine with letting go of things, but mostly cause they know they have the money to replace it should they wish to. I think in families like ours hoarding might often be a learned behavior. I am not sure if any research has gone into this. But I am willing to bet money that I have a point. The good news. Learned behavior can be unlearned

You pay the bills. Your house your rules. Let them confine their hoard to their rooms. If they think that’s not fair, they can move out. The hoarders feelings matter, but that does not mean they matter more than yours. My room mate who couldn’t handle my clutter told me:”Here this is your clutter shelf. Mess it up as you please, but the rest of the room stays orderly!” Worked for me. It hurt, but not because she was wrong, but because I had been called out for causing her stress.

When I declutter with my little hoarder I say thank you every time something goes. We talk through why they want to keep things and why I think they should go. I let them make the final decision but more and more often things actually go.

About throwing your own things away. SERIOUSLY! Your things. Just make sure they can’t retrieve them cause they will. :oops:

PROTIP: Destroy before discarding, cover it with things they won’t retrieve, discard away from home…

[OddsocksParticipant]

Thanks for all the work typing that up, Shed the Shame!

More resources (this is mainly just copy and paste from posts I did for family and friends Dec/Jan) Just in case useful

Of course, there’s the ‘family and friends’ section on this site.

The MIND site has a page about hoarding which includes a long section for friends and family. http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/about-hoarding/” class=”bbcode_url”>http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/about-hoarding/

Tips for family members (short) video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CfmBnH3mWE

With thanks to bluesyjay for listing it.

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Highly recommend listening to this podcast chronicling Mary’s journey to recover from hoarding.

She’s married. While her husband has not “appeared” on the podcast (at least not in the first 34 episodes I’ve listened to so far), Mary makes reference to him, their relationship, the impact of her hoarding on their relationship, and how their relationship is changing and improving as she changes.

Mary is incredibly insightful and has chosen to share her story openly and honestly in hopes of helping others who have hoarding issues and their loved ones.

https://www.livingproofadvocacy.com/blog/2019/1/11/clutter-chronicles-one-womans-journey-through-stuff” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.livingproofadvocacy.com/blog/2019/1/11/clutter-chronicles-one-womans-journey-through-stuff

I downloaded the podcast from iTunes https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/clutter-chronicles/id1308084360?mt=2” class=”bbcode_url”>https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/clutter-chronicles/id1308084360?mt=2

Google “Clutter Chronicles podcast” to find all sorts of ways to access

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

For anyone who hasn’t read the book “STUFF: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things,” an audio version is currently on YouTube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TqwrSV6RLs&feature=youtu.be” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TqwrSV6RLs&feature=youtu.be

[OddsocksParticipant]

Just quick mention of relevant links. One is on the ‘family and friends’ section on this site (link in the horizontal menu). Written by someone with expertise, and who has the experience of being a family member of a hoarder.

There’s a really good section on MIND’s hoarding pages https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/for-friends-and-family/#.XWr_IihKjIU” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/for-friends-and-family/#.XWr_IihKjIU

[Cassiedog]

Thanks again Sts I will go and have a look, I’m also trying to get my partner to join the forum at least that way he will have others who are dealing with the same condition and will know how he feels.

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