Where to start?

[bluesyjayParticipant]

hello hoardersal88 and welcome!

I think that by writing “out loud” your intention you are already starting!

it feels like you are ambivalent about “starting”, which may be the place to start?

you say you accept you have a problem but then you say “what’s the issue”

and that your things do not really bother you but your partner

before starting tackling the physical stuff, it might make sense of clearing your inner hesitations?

do you feel you want to make some space for your new life together or that you are doing this only to make him happy?

do you feel ok in writing what you feel about this?

the more I delve into this whole tangly chaos, the more I am aware and convinced that the chaos is inside of us and the more we clear that one the more the outer aspect becomes less and less of an issue

it could be useful to talk with him and clarify together what each one of you considers to be ok in things/space ratio, what he is hoping for expecting, what you are hoping for ok with and so on

hope this helps

take care

[OddsocksParticipant]

Lots of wise suggestions by Bluesjay!

I’d stress that its really important to talk to your partner? It would be such a shame if you moved in together and there was conflict and damage to your relationship?

Of course, people vary a lot. I can access the places you list, but find all the stuff stressful- loosing things, falling over things…. And you talk about the benefits the stuff gives you now, not as something in the past. They could make sense of why you continue to have loads of clutter.

If you are looking for practical suggestions on what to do, check out the ‘self help’ section on this site, in the menu across the screen.

[hoardersal88]

Thanks for the welcome! : )

Very true re ambivalent about “starting” & that I don’t really feel I have an issue but clearly I do because if I didn’t why would I be on here asking for some sort of help/guidance?!

My inner hesitations are :

1. Getting rid of items that are sentimental or expensive (my partner always says it isn’t about that but!)

2. Finding somewhere to store what I want to keep (he says we move stuff into the garage/summerhouse/shed & put back what I want to keep once we’ve made space)

3. Opening up to my grief issues (the last counsellor thought I’d need at least 2 years of therapy, how can anyone know until you start unravelling?)

4. Admitting I have a spending/shopping problem

5. Defining what is actually important to me because I don’t really think I know!

I know that if I don’t make some space for a life together there will be no us so I’m doing it to keep him in my life. He says I’ll feel better afterwards, how do I know that?!

I like your thinking re the chaos!!

We have spoken but whilst I’ll say & do what he wants, I’m not sure it’s what I really want.

A quick high doesn’t solve the underlying issues, sadly!!

It doesn’t help that :

1. I feel like/am (!) an orphan : (

2. My partner only stays at mine 2 nights one week & 5 nights the week after so isn’t there to keep an eye on me!

3. I’ve hidden some of my purchases from him

4. I told him at the outset that I’d been comfort buying because I was unhappy, not strictly true!

5. We both like going to a large local Boot Sale & I’m still buying (albeit small items like CDs, mainly)

And!!

1. After I’d been with my partner for 10 months he asked a female for a nude snap which she sent him & I found, on Christmas Day! My trust was shattered & I now have an element of doubt.

2. He refers to my house as a XXXX hole but is prepared to help me.

3. He sometimes flares up about the mess. If you don’t sort it I’m leaving you!

4. My house is worth 3.5 times more than his & is my sole inheritance (I believe) so if we get somewhere together we’re not starting on the same page.

5. I’ve changed my will to include him but he hasn’t drawn one up yet.

Plus sides (there are many)!

1. We are very compatible re our love of music

2. He regularly buys me little gifts from charity shops

3. I’m very attracted to him

4. He makes me laugh/smile

Oh dear, what a mess!!

[chaosqueenParticipant]

welcome to the forum hoardersal88! I shall refrain from making any comment at the moment cause there is so much in this thread already and my brain is kind of sluggish today! Last time I answered someone in a hurry, it ended up one big mess and someone left the forum. We don’t want that do we! Okay. I will say one thing. You are right about therapy they can’t tell you how long it will take. I was told I would need at least a year with minimum weekly appointments better 2 a week for starters. As that was virtually impossible for me I didn’t start. When I finally went a year later I think I did weekly visits for 3 months and then every second week. Now 1.5 years later I stop by once every 3 months or more to make sure I am on track. I sometimes wish I had started sooner, but it felt too daunting and too much. SO. that’S it for now! I will reread this thread later and hope to have something smart to say later! :lol:

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Welcome, hoardersal88 —

I lost my younger brother when he was three and I was five. Despite years of visits with different therapists, I still felt tremendous guilt. Quite certain that guilt has played a large part in my hoarding issues

Then I came across this video explaining how to review a past event rather than relive it. It was a complete game changer for me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAd35cMF7Sc” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAd35cMF7Sc

If you recount a trauma in first-person narrative, you’re reliving it and your mind thinks it’s still going on. You feel and act and react the same way you did when you were a kid.

She says to think of it like watching it on a screen. Tell the story in third person. I have an old home movie of me and my brothers at that age. Every time I watched it, I would feel so sad because it made me feel like a bad sister. I decided to literally watch this on a screen and describe everything in third person.

In doing the exercise, I saw things I had NEVER noticed before in 45 years. All this time I had been telling myself I was a bad sister, so my mind was looking for evidence of that and excluding anything else. But this time I saw evidence that I wasn’t a bad sister. Now I can actually watch the home movie and smile

Anyway, give it a try if you like. Won’t cost you anything

[bluesyjayParticipant]

Hi hoardersal88!

there is so much in what you wrote to us to process through,

so I will just give my feedback on one aspect that I feel lingering over it all

the ambivalence about moving in with your partner

could your stuff possibly be a sort of protection from some of the doubts and difficulties you are mentioning in your relationship?

with no stuff “in the middle” there would only be the two of you…

I do think that it could be helpful to store away things and start with a blank slate if you have the possibility of doing that,

I understand it may feel scary, but if you do have storage spaces, there seems to be nothing to lose in using them and maybe using your then empty space to slowly process through one box / one item at a time?

I would absolutely do that if only I had the possibility!

a lot of times I cannot think straight because it is so cramped and if I had a clear space in which to sort it would be very helpful

also I know that storing things away is not solving the issue, but if it is possible, without paying for it

in the meantime it makes life liveable, it helps to focus on maintenance routines and you can then take your time to figure out, one by one,

what you want back into the house instead of what you want out

it could be a way to start

wishing you the best

[chaosqueenParticipant]

I don’t think i have ever seen a thread go so deep so fast. Fascinating. I also think that I can’t really add much here! I have one thought about moving in though. You mentioned

Quote:

We have spoken but whilst I’ll say & do what he wants, I’m not sure it’s what I really want.

Before taking any big steps, do find out what YOU really want and what the price is you are willing to pay for it. Usually when we have to decide we have to give up something. When we really want to do something we are usually willing to pay a prize for it. Until you know if moving in together is what YOU really want I would not do it if I was in the situation.

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