Appreciate the welcome, Kim2014.

Oh, yes. The nightmares. I often wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed because of them. Last night I dreamt that someone had broken into my house using a crowbar on the back door. I couldn’t see where they were and was so scared.

Thanks for watching the video. I really loved learning upholstery, but had to give it up because I was acquiring supplies, fabrics, etc. I miss it so. (Doing the upholstery… NOT acquiring more clutter!)

I look forward to trying out different tips people suggest here. (Already using the timer more, chaosqueen!)

Comforting to find a safe place without judgment. Thanks

I get disorganised reading posts, so sorry if this has already been talked about already. I was very interested to hear that you have been working on shedding shame. Can you tell me a bit about how you are doing that?

Appreciate your reply and am happy to share.

I read Brené Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection. (You can also find her TED Talks videos online.) She doesn’t address compulsive hoarding. She talks about how feelings of shame and vulnerability keep us from presenting our authentic selves, from embracing who we are, and ultimately from loving ourselves. Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. We’re afraid that people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are.

And the less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives. If we work hard to make sure everything looks “just right” on the outside, the stakes are high when it comes to truth telling. This is why shame loves perfectionists — it’s so easy to keep us quiet. Shame corrodes the part of us that believes we can change and do better.

Shame needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: secrecy, silence and judgment. Shame loses its power when it is spoken.

Compulsive hoarding is rife with shame! We need to work on shedding our shame in order to have the fortitude to deal with our disorder and get the help we need. Here we all are on this message board, happy to have found others who have compassion for our struggle and speak our language. A safe place where we can be open about what we’re going through. But in our day-to-day lives most of us hide in shame.

It breaks my heart that we have to search for help and support in “secret.”

Just over three years ago, I began “coming out” to select friends and acquaintances. The first one was the most emotional of all. Once I shared the truth about my life, I immediately burst into tears. I felt like a gigantic pressure cooker, and after years and years — someone finally hit the release valve.

Since then, I’ve probably come clean with two to three dozen people. It’s never easy. But it does get easier with each one, relatively speaking. Some people are compassionate and offer support; others seem uncomfortable and the topic never comes up again. I’ve come to accept that I can’t control how people respond to my share. I can only be selective in who I choose to share my truth with.

Public perception of compulsive hoarding is highly skewed, in my opinion. Most therapists don’t have an adequate understanding of the disorder, and the general population has sadly learned about the disorder from sensationalized TV programs showing extreme cases. People make insensitive jokes about hoarding. Naturally, all this makes it even less inviting for us to come forward and declare our disorder.

My home does not look like the severe cases highlighted on TV programs, but “it’s still early in the game.” I know I have a serious problem that will only get worse if I don’t do something to curtail it. It’s critical for compulsive hoarders to realize they have a problem and get help ASAP before things get completely out of control. Compassionate public discourse is key.

Waiting until a severe compulsive hoarder can no longer hide their situation and others are forced to intervene is not the ideal way to deal with this disorder. But until we can feel “safe” raising our hand and saying, “Me… I have this problem,” we will continue to hide in shame and struggle alone.

Ultimately, we have to be the ones to decide we want to change… to decide what items stay and what items go… to make an effort to adopt new, healthy habits. But we can’t do it alone.

I’m trying my hand at making some videos. They’re amateur hourish but they help me process my thoughts. And I hope they might help others:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHiTJyc0Fbs” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHiTJyc0Fbs

https://youtu.be/HPdevfhF5X0” class=”bbcode_url”>https://youtu.be/HPdevfhF5X0

https://youtu.be/vq5qUybicWY” class=”bbcode_url”>https://youtu.be/vq5qUybicWY

Hope I didn’t overload you with info. (I know that’s a trait of compulsive hoarders!) Thanks again for your interest.

most people don’t believe me or justify my behaviour

When you say most people don’t believe you, do you mean they don’t believe you have a real problem with hoarding? The response of some of my friends has been disbelief, as in, “But you don’t look like a hoarder.” [Apparently hoarders have a “look,” and I’m not up-to-date on it!]

They’ll also make comments about, say, a friend’s mother who was a hoarder: “She stored shoeboxes in her shower. And she had a lock on her bedroom door. Can you believe that??” To which I say, “I have things stored in my shower. I have a lock on my bedroom door.”

My theory is that because they’ve gotten to known me over the years without knowing my “secret,” they see me as a person first, hoarder second. And for most of the general population, their impression of a hoarder is what they’ve seen on TV shows.

I imagine if I were to introduce myself to someone completely new and tell them off the bat that I was a hoarder, they might immediately form an impression of me based on what they’ve seen about hoarders… and possibly not get to know the other dimensions of me??

it has been a great relief to let people in, some can handle it, some can’t, but the ones that can handle it are my real friends! They don’t care what my house looks like. They care about me. The offer to help and when I say yes they want to know what they can do, when I say no they are fine with that, too.

So glad you have let people in! It’s a very scary thing to do, to allow ourselves to be so vulnerable. But an important step, nonetheless.

I find it helps to offer suggestions of ways they can help. The first thing they might offer is to help you purge things. But that can become a very frustrating situation for both sides and can even end up in conflict.

One of my friends has extended an open invitation for me to bring a box of things to his place and sort there. I don’t have TV service in my home, so he leaves me his remote to watch whatever I want when I take a reward break. He doesn’t sit by me while I sort; he’s off in his house doing his own thing. But I feel his support just being there. Later we eat lunch together and share some laughs.

Another friend checks in with me before she goes to Costco to ask if I need anything. Someone who lived in New York City once told me, “It’s better to have a friend with a car than to have a car,” because you can enjoy the benefits without the headaches of ownership. For me, “It’s better to have a friend with a Costco membership than to have a Costco membership!” For one thing, it forces me to make a list of only the items I need. Secondly, I won’t be the victim of impulse buys since I’m not walking into the warehouse