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chaosqueen
bluesyjay wrote:I want to be lighter, to smile to laugh which I both love to do so much
I want to dance and enjoy music and friends and nature and family and all those I love
I want to enjoy and nurture my creative nature, to fully dive into it and express myself and not allow all the endless backlog of stuff to get in the way
I want to fully inhabit the present moment and my embodied self here and now, the woman this body , this house, and whatever there is now
and be grateful and allow myself to move on from there
and so much more….
Somehow I think if we manage to do those things FIRST, the rest will follow. Like you I want to focus on the happy and the positive this year. So many things I enjoy that I want to do this year.
I thibk I will sit down and make a list of all the things I want to improve this year and then pick one to start with!
bluesyjay
Hi CQ so glad to read you
as usual when trying to focus on the positive all the rest comes out
I feel like these past 2 “recovery” days of unwinding are bringing back to my reality which is not good.
I am trying to not use strong negative words, not in order to repress myself but trying not to feed what is going on right now in me
which is not good at all
I just wrote some of things that are crossing my mind but I really want to change
and going through them again and again has never helped so far
but I do feel profound despair, and isolation
and at this moment I have no clue as to how to manifest the changes I have been trying for decades in vain to implement
it is 2:30 I am exhausted but anxiety and depression keep me awake…
again and again
how to break this?
how to really change
I need help
and I have been unable to find any
as always I need to do this alone
and I am exhausted at a deep level
Na, you don’t need to do this alone, we are here. And we as a collective might just be able to relate to everything you say. I started with positive self talk and it helped me. Sleep could be something you start with. Just sticking to regular bed times and see what that does for you. Going on walks at night might help. I use mantras when I can’t sleep I repeat over and over “I am calm and relaxed and am drifting off to sleep”. That does 2 things. It relaxes me and I can’t think of negative things or worried about something as I am focused on repeating those words. Just remember you do NOT have to do this on your own!
thank you CQ have you managed to start thinking about your list of positives?
yes sleep is a starter it’s been a battle forever
it’s a mix of things
it’s the time where I am too tired to be occupied so all my negative thoughts rush in with no distraction
it is also something in me that refuses to sleep, since I have been losing so much of my life so far, it feels as though I would never want to sleep because I want to win back the time I lost
I just feel so overwhelmed, it feels like I am never going to make this house functional again
to fit into my clothes, to have space to dedicate to my creative side that is so vital
and that I am never going to be able to live the kind of life I want
and that I shall just continue being alone forever
ok done with the whining, got it out
I feel asleep on the couch really late and woke up extremely late, with a pounding headache
drinking coffee and knitting while trying to wake up
when I think of starting to work on it all my head starts spinning and I feel lost
everything needs to be done
ok next step coffee
thank you again CQ
I just wanted to add that reading your answer did help not ready quite this moment to get dressed and start attacking the mess
but I feel a tiny bit less helpless
thank you
I avoid sleep to avoid life. You know, If I don’t sleep tomorrow won’t come. It is ridiculous but I have tried it over and over again. Tomorrow comes and I will be tired on top of scared of the day. Oh well, How about you find something that gives you energy and give yourself permission to do that at least once a week? And see how that helps improve other things? For me that’s piano playing I will allow myself 20 min of piano every morning before I have to do anything else!
KNITTING! I am not getting into this but the past months have been EXTREMELY stressful
on top of the usual
repair men around for all the time for different reasons
all different people
around my house
appliances broken, had to buy 2 and repair a third
a lot of money spent that was another major issue
plus you can imagine the extreme distress of all these people around
for a moment I thought it was a sort of flooding therapy I would become sort of immune to it
except I just feel so stressed out by all this
and then Christmas only a few days after
that I have probably been needing these days to recover
before I can be in any way productive
so knitting is my therapy now, except I am knitting so much I end up not doing other things
it is my escape, my anxiety cure
but I want to finish on a positive note, even if I feel really scared about my depression right now
I am back living in the house
(sort of sleeping) in my bed
and all my appliances (fingers crossed) including my fridge are finally working again
this morning I went shopping for healthy groceries
and I even did 45 min of exercise
but then I just crashed the rest of the day
how is it going for you today?
ShedTheShame
bluesyjay wrote:all my appliances (fingers crossed) including my fridge are finally working again
this morning I went shopping for healthy groceries
and I even did 45 min of exercise
This is HUGE,bluesyjay! Having the repair men in to do work — BRAVA! I think knitting for therapy is good.
bluesyjay wrote:except I am knitting so much I end up not doing other things
it is my escape, my anxiety cure
What if you make knitting your reward? Like, after you declutter / clean / get repairs done /eat healthy / exercise… you get to knit guilt free because you earned it
Hi Sts so glad to see you appear in the thread
so what about both of you, and brainstorming ideas for the new year?
On the other threads CQ was proposing,
on one side being free from guilt, I love this big one
and also keeping the kitchen clean at night, if I remember correctly…
I have gone back to the supermarket this morning (I had no fridge for a long time, so I am still in the process of reorg things)
and I started “meal prep” in order to eat healthier
I am watching some videos for some ideas
I did buy not in such an organised way as they do in the videos, more variety and less quantity, I am alone and I do get bored eating the same things every day, if I am to make an effort…
but practice makes perfect
I am going to try and do this
I am going to ask a friend of mine for tips, he all of a sudden starting running, now many months ago, for many reasons, not least anxiety and worries
now he is super fit and is superorganised with his meals and is also very happy (and has become a running maniac as well…whatever works)
sometimes we skype (lives in another country) and he is cooking his stuff for the day after….
I used to do that at some point but now everything seems like such an effort…
one step at a time
I am making a list for the new year
but I guess what is kind of downwards is the fact that every year I write the same things…and don’t see much progress
or I do and then just slip back
will update
yes, knitting as a reward is a good idea
I think I have been knitting like mad these months because it was the only thing (with reading) keeping me together with all the stress
and I made several Christmas presents for both my nieces
2 scarves
2 dresses with matching legwarmers and matching headband with flower
in all the years I have knitted on and off I have only made 1 very quick shawl/scarf for me
so one of my resolutions is to start making things for me
to start feeling I deserve them
even if my house is a mess, I am not dressing like I wish I did and I am currently overweight…
sending you best wishes
HA! Joining you on the overweight front. :lol: That, too is clutter I would like to get rid of. I know how you feel about the new years resolutions. I found old list cleaning out the attic, different years, same things. I think it was because that is what I think is expected of me, not necessarily what I really want.So this year I my motivation is what would make me happier and what would make my life easier and not things I should do. I hope that will help me.
I LOVE THAT CQ!! it is so straightforward simple and genius!
“WHAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPIER AND WHAT WOULD MAKE MY LIFE EASIER”
I think that for me this would mean reframing the same things with a totally different light
because I really really really would LOVE to live in a welcoming, functional house, even though this one is by far not my ideal
it has been in the past very warm and friendly and it has expressed me
and my friends and family have all felt well here, and have loved coming here…
so this is something that would absolutely make me SO SO SO much happier
and absolutely my life easier
same for my weight
getting back to the one I recognise as me instead of hiding under my excess baggage, that just as the clutter is just a way to avoid a lot of stuff
would absolutely make me SO much happier
and it would also make my life easier
more energy,
more self-confidence
and more fun dressing up!!!
THANK YOU CQ!
WE CAN DO THIS!!!
HAPPINESS JOY EASE OF WELLBEING LIGHTNESS
bluesyjay wrote:but practice makes perfect
Practice makes BETTER… and better is GOOD ENOUGHI’ve never been big on new year’s resolutions. Probably because they feel like an “event” to me — an event that eventually fades with time. How about this: My new year’s resolution will be to make self-improvement a year-round thing
:lol: bluesyjay wrote:in all the years I have knitted on and off I have only made 1 very quick shawl/scarf for me
so one of my resolutions is to start making things for me
to start feeling I deserve them
I second this:!: Knit something nice foryourself. And don’t tell yourself, “I’ll knit something nice for myself after I lose weight.” Knit something nice to make you feel good when you dress NOW. After you lose weight — you can pass on the lovely item you made to someone else who will appreciate it. Got such a late start to the day that I feel like I’ve wasted it. BUT… there’s still the rest of the day left. Never to late to make progress….
Oooops! you are totally right! you caught me there! “practice makes perfect” :mrgreen: yes! I am also thinking about how to aspire towards long lasting changes, life improvements
Have you read the Happiness Project by Gretchen Ruben?
I read it years ago and thought it was interesting, in the meantime she wrote more “sequels” where she explores the subject of change, habits etc…
and she aims at the same thing, not so much goals, but ongoing resolutions
If I remember correctly she was (also) inspired by Benjamin Franklin’s pursuit of self improvement, I read his autobiography at the time and was totally fascinated by the man
He had decided on 12 virtues (writing by memory, they could be 11 or 10 not sure) and had a chart, and would be accountable to himself every day/ week on his progress…
I am going to give the Hap. Proj a quick glance because one of my friends I told about this book (years ago) has mentioned it to me again the other day…
WISHING YOU ALL A WONDERFUL PASSAGE THROUGH THE GATEWAY OF NEWNESS!
HAVE A WONDERFUL NEW START!
FULL OF LIGHT!!!
Such a coincidence! Haven’t read The Happiness Project. But earlier today I read an article about keeping New Year’s resolutions, and it referenced another Gretchen Ruben book, The Four Tendencies, in which she divides people into categories based on how they respond to inner and outer expectations. For example, an Obliger is someone who meets outer expectations but resists inner expectations. They do things more easily for others than for themselves. Sounds like me
:roll: The key to Obligers forming habits is to createexternal accountability. Wishing everyone here a Happy New Year. Hope 2018 is a good one
StS
I thought I sound like an obliger, but then again? External accountability? Doesn’t work too well for me. 
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