New Year

[Now is the time]

I find that sometimes getting my thoughts down in writing really helps me. I hope it will for you too.

Glad to know you are getting some sleep. That is so important.

[Kim2014]

Quote:

I am so good at “sucking it up” and doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done, especially for others (not as good for myself)

and then I tend to disconnect that there is a price to pay, that usually shows up as soon as I have some time to myself

so I guess that this is also a growth process, learning that I need to rest & recuperate and it is OK, even if it does not feel ok

I can’t begin to tell you how much that resonates!

Quote:

I need to learn to love them from a distance with boundaries

and in order to do that I need to have something in my own life and world that now feels so bare and stuffed at the same time.

This is so spot on from what I’ve gathered from your posts.

I think part of hoarding is often to do with metaphorically stuffing painful voids so we can act like they aren’t bare.

Now is the time anotherone here whose found it helpful.

[bluesyjayParticipant]

thank you both Nowisthetime and Kim2014

yes it helps a lot to write in general, and probably even more to write not only to myself but to be able to share

not feeling as exhausted physically, but totally demotivated, lazy, non cooperative at all (with myself and my goals) resistant, stubborn, self-sabotaging and in a sort of a brat mood!!! I almost managed to make myself laugh…

I guess I could tolerate this from anybody else but me…

but I do feel better after writing that!! :mrgreen:

I did NOTHING at all except some errands in the morning, returning more things I bought (and having to pay the postage for the return, uggh)

the only victory today has been

managing to find a very important password in the midst of my papers, which could somehow be considered a major win,

I had been putting off searching for it for weeks because discouraged as to where to look

that is a huge relief

I also reconciled my checkbook with the stupid spending I have been doing lately and I definitely sabotaged my saving goals which is depressing

three steps forward and two back pfff

after my ridiculous start, in June, about only buying myself one pretty dress…sigh

I keep thinking that I would have spent money anyway had I gone somewhere on holiday and since I am too depressed to go anywhere, it feels like a comfort thing

but that is part of the problem and I know it

I will try and see if I can allow myself to do one little thing to feel better about the house

I did take care not to reclutter the bathroom (when I am in this mood I just don’t care)

and I will try to leave the kitchen clean…focus at least on maintenance

maybe if I can find a small not stressful thing I can do while watching videos

but I just feel despondent :lol: :roll:

[bluesyjayParticipant]

ok so I did the bare minimum of not messing up more, sort of cleared the sink

tomorrow I MUST and WANT TO get (back) into boot camp mode

because hopefully asap this will not be my main occupation and focus

I have not even been to the park since Tuesday or doing my steps, I am really suffering the heat

I have no air conditioning and all the windows are one side so there is no way to create a current

I have a fan ongoing which sort of helps a little

I go the the fridge and stick my face in! :lol:

plus in doing my washing machines I washed my fitbit!!

and this is a new one I had found on super sale on internet through a private reselling website… because I washed the first one too!

it’s a tiny model extremely basic they do not do anymore, which I loved because it’s not a bracelet and I stick it in my bra or pocket (hence the washing)

sigh

hoping it will recover, the first one works but it messes up the watch so the timing is off for the steps to one day, it decides the day changes in the middle of the day!

I did walk today but this is the first time in months I have not been doing my steps

I need to get back into waking up early and going to the park at that time, in the evening it’s not really safe and it closes not too late

Most of all I need a plan to get back into the clearing, right now I am feeling lost and overwhelmed

I tried putting on the timer earlier but felt paralysed and gave up

a lot of the stuff on it’s way out cannot really be “processed” in August

I will think of it tomorrow

last hours of resistance….

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Concerning the fitbit. Wrap it in cotton and put it on the windosill where the sun can hit it. , The one that doesn’t show the right kind of day. Let it run out completely, that sometimes helps. Other solution, there might be a reset option

[bluesyjayParticipant]

Hi CQ!

I have been thinking about you, seeing you comment her and there, how are you?

thanks for the suggestion, I put the new one in a bowl of rice hoping that will suck the humidity

for the older one, I tried everything, the reset, letting the battery die and recharging it… I also wrote to fitbit but the support is always terrible, I never get any replies, or totally not useful

crossing my fingers that the new one will resuscitate!

no bootcamp energy as of yet…

I turned my mobile phone off last night forgetting the alarm clock will not work if I do (which is a bs thing in my opinion)

even so, I tend to wake up early anyway, but I have no motivation whatsoever to get up, and even if my mind is awake my body is still KO

today it seems to be less hot, I am debating about going to the park and getting back into at least that routine as I have never skipped so long in the past months

I had a very important dream…related to this inner seeking of forgiveness and release…

letting it sit into me. it feels like a seed of hope and release…hoping it will help

this is a truism but there is so much that goes on inside of unknown to us, for the good and for the bad, and I feel that dream at last means that my unconscious “got the message” that I am serious about releasing myself, and moving forward, possibly in Love

one of the most intense violent aspects of it is harsh judgements, comparisons, performance, all by some external collective standard that is not mine but that squashes me

the state of my house is a tangible thing that somehow externalises the way I feel about myself,

unworthy, not enough, all wrong, unable

I rationally know this not to be true, quite the contrary

yet deep down emotionally this is how I still feel

maybe slowly a little less

yet I sabotage myself in so many ways to fullfill this

and that in turn is yet another piece of evidence of me being a failure

I have all it takes to do/be this or that, that I want and need to be, yet I am stuck, hence I am a failure because I am not courageous enough, bold enough, active enough, organised enough, focused enough etc etc etc

Letting go…

[bluesyjayParticipant]

Focus

focus is a major problem I have been yet again trying to focus on :lol:

getting sidetracked, having hundreds of (fantastic) creative ideas…and not bringing them to completion

Starting too many things…

A great aspect of what is keeping me so down is all the unlived life inside of me

Love is one part

Creativity is a major aspect

I only follow through on some of my creative projects when they are gifts for others

There are some things in my life I really need to address if I want to feel whole

and I am wasting my life with this chaos

Yet I need space and clarity/order to be able to focus

the chaos stresses me physically and mentally and makes it even harder for me to focus on anything

and I know I actually can focus when I am in another environment without my stuff

if I could afford it I would rent a space elsewhere for X months and focus on some of the things that are so important to me

back to reality

will go to the park, walk and meditate on the night dream and on my life dreams

wishing inner peace to all of us on this bumpy road

[bluesyjayParticipant]

back from the park where I gifted myself three hours more or less, (of which more than an hour because I got lost – yet again – in the woods :lol: which is fine when I have time + have days of steps to recuperate!) plus some time on my favourite bench meditating and just enjoying the shade, the tree, the breeze, the insects chiming (don’t know what they are called, not the crickets, the other ones that make a specific summer noise)

The three elements I am missing in my apartment, which I find in the park, are

space

silence

light

I really want to be able to move and find a house with these elements, plus nature (now the park nearby is my nature element and one of the reasons I chose this flat, also for the spacious yard because I had my sweetie dog at the time)

rationally, logically there seems to be no way presently for me to be able to do that

but I am holding that wish in my heart and soul

space to create and breathe

silence to rest and relax

light to be and receive

so this means now I have to figure out where to start to get back on track

all that walking has made me tired :lol:

will find a point of entry and report back hopefully

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

bluesyjay wrote:

I have all it takes to do/be this or that, that I want and need to be, yet I am stuck, hence I am a failure because I am not courageous enough, bold enough, active enough, organised enough, focused enough etc etc etc

The struggle with hoarding can definitely take its toll on one’s self esteem. I relate to what you shared b/c deep down inside I know I’m as capable as the next person, yet I have such feelings of inadequacy because I haven’t accomplished what others have.

Applying to speak at the conferences has helped me re-gain some confidence. Is there ONE thing you could pick to exercise your courage muscle? Once I commit to doing something, I create an expectation for myself to follow through. And for me, I hate not to follow through :!:

If you’re having a difficult time picking something… the conference accepts submissions every year :!: I know you’re creative enough to come up with a presentation no one else has thought of

“Leap… and the net will appear.”

StS

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

ShedTheShame wrote:

deep down inside I know I’m as capable as the next person, yet I have such feelings of inadequacy because I haven’t accomplished what others have

Just re-read this and realized it’s not that I haven’t accomplished what others have. It’s that I haven’t accomplished what I would like to have accomplished… that I haven’t reached my potential.

It’s not about comparing myself to others. It’s about the disappointment I feel in myself for allowing my hoarding to keep me from achieving my potential

[bluesyjayParticipant]

I totally feel the same

I don’t feel down about myself compared to others, but about all that is inside me and is not YET blossoming

we may be late bloomers StS

BUT WE ARE GOING TO BLOOM BLOSSOM AND SHINE!

[chaosqueenParticipant]

It seems that is one thing so many of us have in common. The not reaching our potential. I wonder if it is because of the other thing we have in common. Our perfectionism. In order to make sure we can’t fail, we make sure we can’t start.

[bluesyjayParticipant]

ShedTheShame

Quote:

Is there ONE thing you could pick to exercise your courage muscle? Once I commit to doing something, I create an expectation for myself to follow through. And for me, I hate not to follow through :!:

my courage muscle…I have no problem finding things in theory, but being prepared to challenge them is another thing, I so not want to set myself up for failure like I tend to do with overloading myself

In general in all of my life issues, which is deeply connected to the hoarding and shame as barrier and protection, I need to stop hiding

one thing that would make a major impact is the work area because I am in great need for more income and more steady

it is very stressful to tackle that and the idea is to be able to have a more liveable space that will cause less added stress so that in the autumn (now everything is mostly closed and it’s a dead time of the year) I can try, once again, to tackle this issue

[bluesyjayParticipant]

I need to go out for a couple of hours work, but this morning I have been trying to make more progress

am feeling stuck and mentally tired and overwhelmed

I did do some maintaining things, like fold the laundry, wash the dishes

and I did sort more piles, the last clothes pile in the living room on the bed

but now that the bed is full of ordered piles I am just blocked

I know this is a part of resistance but I am tired of having to decide on having to part with my things, and there is another aspect to this

I have literally only been surviving for many many years, working and doing the basic everyday with extreme fatigue

but have hardly been truly living due to depression mostly and not feeling well physically

it feels as though I have just been frozen and locked up forever

so the life I have NOT been living is not a parameter for things like “have you used this in a year” or that sort of question

I am not sure if I can explain

for example I knit on and off, but I do knit regularly, I knit a whole set of dress + leg warmers + head band for each of my nieces for Christmas, plus another jacket for one of them for her birthday in October

one thing I have never done is knit the things I would love to knit for myself, because I feel unworthy on many levels, and because of my current weight etc etc

what I am trying to say is that I would do more of things that I somehow have had little access to

I have not been able to sew because of the lack of space, but I know it is something current and real in my life

so I feel great frustration in trying to figure out how to make things workable in my small space where I have no doubt too much, but have not had a chance to see what happens when I am REALLY LIVING my life

I wonder if this makes sense and if I am able to express it

what makes this complicated is that I know there is a level of denial of how much real time and energy is available, and how I need to make choices of letting go of certain things I thought I might fix/make/wear/experience

it just feels like I have wasted my life away and it hurts to renounce and add to the failure

but I know I need to process that somethings have been “lost” and that in order to not loose my present and future I need to make peace with the wast and the loss….

it is just very painful and difficult for me to accept and then put into action

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

bluesyjay wrote:

I feel great frustration in trying to figure out how to make things workable in my small space where I have no doubt too much, but have not had a chance to see what happens when I am REALLY LIVING my life

I wonder if this makes sense and if I am able to express it

I think I understand what you’re saying: That it’s difficult to determine whether or not you should part with something based on frequency of use b/c IF your place were more functional — you very well could be using it?

So much of HD is a vicious circle. Maybe try to break the circle initially with a small, achievable action.

bluesyjay wrote:

I knit on and off, but I do knit regularly…. one thing I have never done is knit the things I would love to knit for myself, because I feel unworthy on many levels, and because of my current weight etc etc

Is there enough space for you to knit? Or could you knit while outdoors at the park? I often fall into the “When _____, Then _____” trap. Putting off actions because I’m waiting for certain conditions

What if you took the plunge and picked a nice yarn from your stash and knitted something for yourself? Try making a small investment in yourself NOW. See what it brings out in you. Could have a positive effect on you that will help you continue to move forward.

[Author]

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