Fear

[Goldfish76]

You are not alone .. never feel alone .. the key is to focus dream of that space you can use .. you’ve made a bid step asking for help don’t shake .. dance .. small steps a time xx

[janthatsnice]

Thank you, I have slept for a few hours and feel a bit better, still feel hollow but the panic has gone, I will be fine. I have been in denial for so long, over 20 -30 years.

Going to do an hour today sorting and stacking knitting wools.

Also take rubbish bags downstairs ready for the tip. At least they are moving closer to the front door. If I get them into the car that would be better. Getting to the tip would be a bonus.

I feel such a sad sack for getting into this state, not about the emotion, the hoarding.

[Kim2014]

Hi janthatsnice and welcome to the forum.

Somewhere back on this forum, is my first terrified and I think sobbing post. I posted it into the ether afraid, alone, and at rock bottom. I’d broken some barriers. I’d realised the terrible secret of squalor, neglect etc I’d grown up in had a name – hoarding, and I’d dared to use it about my mother. I can’t remember if it was on the same post or not, but I’d also realised that what I’d done and was doing that looked so very different to my childhood, and I thought I was in control of, was in fact also hoarding.

It just looked different, but it wasn’t. I’d held myself together for a lifetime that I wasn’t like my siblings or my mother, and that while I’d been through hell I’d escaped with minor damage and kept everyone’s secrets, so no matter what had been done to me, or what they said about me, actually I was alright, and hadn’t done anything to bad, and wasn’t dysfunctional, bad, mad or a problem. That day and subsequently, I had to face up to the fact I hadn’t escaped unharmed, I’d been blindly conning myself, and if I didn’t name this thing and acknowledge it might be genetic or learned behavior, I’d never fix it.

I do remember standing alone in front of a mirror making myself say out loud that I was a hoarder. The words stuck and choked out at first, until I finally managed to say it at the same volume as the rest of the sentence. ‘Telling’ on my mother was more problematic. It was years before I could do the same thing in front of the mirror about my mother, even though I’d typed it here. The first time my legs actually buckled under me from terror :shock: : and I hit my head on the bath. :roll: Later trying to say it I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Then I’d never have admitted to anyone just how bad it all was. Such a dark, scared, ashamed, vulnerable time, and it shouldn’t have been like that. People where kind to me, but isn’t it ridiculous that we feel so awful about something that isn’t actually quite the deal others want us to think it must be, once you get into it?

Now I’m quite freely able to say most things on here, and to others that ‘I have a bit of a hoarding problem’ (massive understatement btw) without much concern, though I still am reticent about my background.

The horrible stuff you’re going through is going to pass, and you will have all sorts of trials and tribulations, but you will realise that hoarding is only shameful because it’s been made to be by others with an agenda. :idea: We all have reasons why acquiring and then letting go has become a visible symptom of other issues underneath, but we’ve all done what most people do which is to have joined in the capitalist consumerist ‘must be this’, ‘have that’, ‘appear like the other’, dream. But it isn’t a dream it’s actually a nightmare when you look at it closely.

We as people with difficulty letting go/for some organizing /owning humongous properties that conceal it (yes your majesty etc, you’re all hoarding fascinating family history stuff and would be named ‘hoarder’ if you had to move to a one bedroom semi and couldn’t just get rid of it all!) /ability to afoard storage, cause a problem because our existence causes others to have to examine all sorts of uncomfortable truths.

You aren’t a sad sack, you’re simply going through the emotions that follow recognizing this particular problem after years of not seeing it. It’s all quite normal, and while it seems impossible now, you may even find yourself cracking hoarding jokes before long.

Most of all, one day you’re going to be saying to someone else, be it here or elsewhere; it’s ok, it’s going to be ok, the idea that it’s some terrible terrible thing that should be a source of undying shame has been created by industries to sell us even more stuff and services stuff, it’s only a hoarding problem not blooming necrophilia. :idea:

I don’t normally suggest what type of hoarder someone may be until I’ve read a lot from them, but just on your small bit of info you actually sound like you may well be a woman who is probably creative but afraid of making mistakes/ ruining good materials/ doing things for their enjoyment when other stuff needs doing/buying the ingredients for the life you’re too scared/guilty to live/ possibly struggling with self worth etc, etc.

Lots of us here learning to live differently, even trying to enjoy that stuff we’ve acquired, :idea: and plenty of space on the bench for others.

[janthatsnice]

Thank you, I have a son who was an alcoholic, ( 5 years dry now) and went through various steps with him so I know it is not going to be a quick cure for this either. I am prepared for that. I have slowed down the mad rush of discarding from yesterday, mainly because I cant get any more in my bin until the council empties it on Thursday. I have stuff on EBay, Freecycle and 2 bags ready for the charity shop. I have planned the layout of my craft room so something to work to there. I didn’t sleep much last night!

Still a bit jittery but returning to normality, I can think again. Decided to keep knitting, sewing, card making and watercolours, for the time being. And to condense them to sensible levels as time goes on.

NO MORE BUYING, NO MORE DONATIONS FROM FRIENDS.

Anything that doesn’t sell on EBay will go to Charity. its going out!

[bluesyjayParticipant]

Hello janthatsnice and welcome!

You have already made such huge steps in all that you have written in your posts! Congratulations!

I hope you are feeling better now…

I think my take, maybe similar to what Kim has wonderfully written – thanks Kim for sharing so much and giving so much always – is to not let yourself feel trapped by the word “hoarder”, and not let that define you, put you in a box, imprison you and let you feel like that is who you are and that it limits you.

One thing is to acknowledge we HAVE a problem/an issue, another is to feel we ARE something wrong, defective, problematic…and this shift of mindset, which is a journey in of itself, is huge and can make all the difference

As many others here, I can relate, in my own version, to buying many (many, many) things connected to a an interest/hobby/passion something that I intend to do…and feeling that it has to be done perfectly and that I need to be perfectly equipped.

Then I sometimes feel afraid to “spoil” things, so I tend to not use the prettiest/better version, maybe what I just bought, or if I do, I never use it for myself…

I do however use things when I – rarely – allow myself to BE, to be creative, to relax, to experiment, so for me, the core issue is connected to this, that will then allow me to better understand what I really want to use and to have around me and what not….

and also to acquire things as needed, a little at a time, because I think another underlying issue in my acquiring is a sort of fear of lack, of not finding the thing again, of not having it when and if I need it, of having to have a vast array of choices etc…

there is much connected to that seemingly simple act of buying an item and holding on to it…

hope you find support and relief

take care and keep us posted!

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Welcome to the forum Janthatsnice!

I still remember that moment when I realized I was a hoarder. I am amazed at how quick you took action and how much you got done already! It took me quite a bit longer!

Once the initial shock settles it will become easier. I do have experiences that are close to panic attacks sometimes when I declutter. Don’t force yourself to get it all out right away. I think picking the things you want to continue doing and setting up your room accordingly is a great plan of action. If it is hard for you to get the stuff in the car and taken away for charity, I think your daughter might be happy to help if she lives close enough.

Good luck with it all! Keep us posted!

[janthatsnice]

Thanks for all the help, the support has helped me through a really bad patch. I thought I was going over the edge! On top of all this my brother started chemo yesterday. I woke this morning having a nightmare about my sons. A bit stupid really as they are both in their 50’s. In the nightmare they were children. On top of all this my daughter was at the Nottinghill carnival and had her drink spiked. so its been a week and half really. Then the realisation of the hoarding, Overload????

I am ok now. I feel like clarity has returned and I can function again.

I ordered a worktable from Ikea and can see the complete craft room when its finished. a few more things to discard as I go and then mainly organisation, cleaning etc.

my bedroom next after that where I have about £1,000 of beads cluttering up 30% of the room. I cant think of that yet. one thing at a time.

Meanwhile….EBay, charity shops, the tip.

Bless you and all the good work you have done here helping everyone. Janet

[bluesyjayParticipant]

I am impressed at how strong you are going! keep it up!

[bluesyjayParticipant]

me again….sorry sometimes (?) I am scatter brained and think I wrote something that I only thought…

I am sorry about your brother and sending him and you healing thoughts…

and hope that your daughter is fine..

and nightmares can feel so real..

I feel for you

working on a project that keeps us busy can help in difficult moments

stay strong

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Great job keeping it up, even with your brother starting chemo! Best wishes to him! Sometimes dreams are just dreams and other times we work through emotions when we have them. I have big issues with loss, so that topic often creeps into my dreams and it is usually about the children. Nightmares are no fun.

[janthatsnice]

Its fine, Thank you for your thoughts, my daughter is ok, luckily she was with friends who rushed her to hospital. Apart from cutting her face and knees as she hit the pavement she is ok but lost a week off of work. My brother – time will tell but we are optimistic. He has good support.

Not done a lot today just sorted a bit and condensing stuff into better areas.

Felt really odd as I had to buy more wool. Especially as I have 9 boxes of the stuff. I said I would knit my brother a hat and asked him what colours he would like. He pick brown, green and russet. Since most of my wool is for children or myself I had nothing like that. I felt really ill after buying it. just as if I had gone back to my old unthinking ways. I felt all churned up inside.

Thrown out a picture frame, and a few scraps of fabric. Not a lot done, but my EBay stuff is due to end in 2 days and a lot of it has bids on, so I will be packing that up and sending it.

Thanks for listening. xx Janet

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Yikes. I didn’t read right and thought your daughters experience was a part of your dream! Good thing she was with friends. Scary business.

About buying new wool. Perfectly okay. you are putting it to use. And your brother will need with with winter coming and his head bare! So. Buying things is okay. It just needs to be a conscious act, which it definitely was. Plus it will be out of the house again before you know it as you are using it up. Any leftovers can go in the next wool donation bag.

I hope you will have a calmer week!

[janthatsnice]

Nearly done, shifted enough stuff – just tables to move and I have asked the family for help with these. The rest is long term. Wool all in one area etc.

[bluesyjayParticipant]

that is great progress Janet!

CQ said it so well, no more to add, just repeat…it is a conscious acquisition, that you are using for a specific purpose and that will then leave your house

[janthatsnice]

I really appreciate all the help and support you have all given. It kept me going. You are brilliant, I hit the bottom but knowing others have dealt with it also were so understanding probably saved me. Thank you. You have my respect.

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