Shopping Queen

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Oh no! What are you buying?

[bluesyjayParticipant]

clothes

nothing today thankfully not buying everyday but today was potentially a very bad day which I managed to turn around

I am focusing on shifting back my attention to fixing house and DIY

I wonder if it will work

and of course working on the core of it

also I have finished any possible money (which is very bad)

but what I do is return the clothes

get refunded and buy some more

it is totally nuts

and I have never done this before

yes I have bought too much in the past many times on shopping sprees

but this is different

I feel compulsion, anxiety

I feel like there is nothing else anyway

I am using awareness as much as possible and damage control

but I still feel the urge

I am hoping to have a reality wake up now

also since I am managing to write about it more

plus I cannot afford anything anymore

unless I return everything and start over…

which I won’t do

either

I will not return EVERYTHING

and I will not keep buying again

this is nuts

what on earth is wrong with me

and I do not have money to throw out like this

it feels self destructive on many levels

ok enough confession for a day

this has been a tough day

[Daisy]

Hi Bluesyjay,

I want to send you a virtual hug if that’s okay.

I totally get the anxiety and compulsion about it as well. I think you said to me about not viewing it with negativity so I want to say that back to you. Also I wanted to say to you what has been said to me by people who understand, which is try to not beat yourself up about it. Also if there is anything self nurturing that will help you I hope you are able to do this. I like a hot bath by candlelight – although unfortunately I don’t have a bath so have to make do with a candlelit shower!

[Daisy]

Hi Chaosqueen and Bluesyjay.,

I’m not sure how I’m doing with shopping excessively. Mostly I’m not doing lots of shopping so think it’s not too bad. However I am getting a little behind with my bills so I know I need to take a serious look at my money at cut back a bit to get on top of my bills. I don’t think I’m bringing in much more clutter as I think it’s been dvd’s and eating out that I have been spending on. With Dvd’s I’m still buying new to me dvd’s from charity shop’s so as I’m writing this I think I ought to try a fortnight or month without buying anymore. I don’t think I’m as obsessed as I was over the three days in September – then I was looking in Amazon for long hours and not doing much else. At the moment it’s more that I look in charity shops on the hunt for old film’s then buying lots when I find them. So I think I’m still obsessing as I often go into charity shops to look – probably three times a week. Writing this does make me think it would help me to take a break from charity shops.

On the positive side I have sorted the dvd’s by type and alao put aside about a quarter of them to watch then give away or sell.

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Hi, Daisy —

It’s good that you’re aware of your recent shopping habits and have made the connection to getting a little behind in your bills. We can’t remedy a situation without being aware there’s a situation So good job :!:

I recently posted a reply to bluesyjay on her thread, and she recommended that I put that reply under the mindset reset 35 days free – Mel Robbins thread https://www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=966&p=14556#p14556

So I’ve done that, and instead of posting it here as well — I’ll just point you there [post date Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:56 am]

[Daisy]

Hi Shedtheshame,

Thank you, I had a look at the thread last night and will have a look at one of the videos. Last year I read part of the book The Kindness Method which used mapping to change habits, which may be similar although I didn’t read far enough to see if it looked at underlying beliefs. I seem to remember it was using self management and I did find it easy to read.

I agree you can’t do something about a situation unless you are aware of it . It really helped me to write about how I was getting on and to read your reply .

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Have watched Jasmine Harman’s episodes on Compulsive Hoarding before. Just came across this episode she did on Compulsive Shoppers https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXf3tBnyxDo” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXf3tBnyxDo

I love how she searches for the underlying reason for why each person shops.

[Daisy]

Hi Shedtheshame,

That sounds good , I’ll look at that as well.

[chaosqueenParticipant]

I know I created this thread, but let me tell you. I have no input here. I do shop on occasion. But it is mostly a I am shopping for groceries and am coming across something that I like and I feel stressed so I decide to get it. But I don’t seek shopping as a relief. Actually shopping is often stressful for me. So forgive me if I read along and not have much to say!

Realizing it’s an issue is the first step as always. We all took that one, so we are already making progress on this!

[bluesyjayParticipant]

I sincerely did not have a problem with shopping until these past maybe 2 years

something shifted – in the wrong direction –

of course the premise for all of us is that in some ways/at some point there has been too much stuff getting into the house

in my case things have accumulated especially

– when my best friend died, and I had to clear his house, and for some time I had boxes and boxes of his stuff I could not part with in my tiny room (I was living at my parent’s home then)

I managed to only keep some significant items since then but I remember that painful accumulation

– then another major moment was when I had to downsize my office, which was almost as big as my flat, I gave away some stuff, but that is when things never got back to normal, I have the equivalent of two flats in my flat

– plus every time I have moved, I have never had the economic means to really buy the right furniture for storage, get work done in the house etc, so that makes a lot of mess

in the past I was never a frequent shopper, even for clothes, I would seasonally, mostly during sales, buy many things, but a “normal” many and then not buy anything for the rest of the year

I did start buying craft things, which I had never bought before, when I moved to live by myself, because I suddenly had a space of my own to experiment with things

I also started buying diy tools because I fixed most of the things I could, I started sewing, knitting, crafting, gardening

what I am going through now, and that has happened a couple of years ago in a similar way, but it was with skincare and make-up mostly

is different

I am trying to nail it

I have not bought clothes for many years because of my weight

I am now not still where I want to be but so much better

I am trying to work on the needs I am trying to meet,

the positive beneath the negative so that I can hopefully asap move those/fulfil them in a more constructive way

there is just one positive note I want to focus on

if you remember one of the things I was dreading the most was having to try on clothes because nothing would fit me anymore and it made me feel very depressed

now I am having fun again

it is bringing me back to before my best friend died

I feel there is a connection with that period of my life

I was also very depressed but there was still hope in my life, I was younger and I was not alone, I was always with my best friend

one of the things I had fun with was to dress in crazy ways, I have always loved vintage and dressing used to be a way for me to express myself, which I have lost since

lately another very good friend, whom I know also from that period of life, and who does not live here said that I looked again as I used to once

I wonder if I am trying to go back there, to channel the hope, the meaningful moments

because apart from the apparent superficiality of the dressing up part

those years with my friend were some of the most significant of my life

we would talk endlessly about life and meaning and soul searching

and he was my real soul family

I have felt lost ever since

I feel that in some way that I am not yet clear about

this crazy shopping frenzy is connected to trying to recuperate a life I have lost?

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

bluesyjay, it’s wonderful that you’re looking into the possible reasons WHY you’ve been shopping.

If you could wave a magic wand, what aspect(s) of your life would you wish transformed? Acknowledgment from your family? A best friend with whom you could have meaningful conversations about life? A romantic partner? Weight loss?

Maybe instead of trying to crack the code from the outside –> in (i.e., analyzing what you’ve purchased) try from the inside –> out (i.e. what you feel lacking inside that you might be trying to fill with shopping).

Does that make sense? I have no idea if it will work, but just a suggestion to try from a different perspective.

Imagine: “If I received acknowledgment from my family… how would that change things? And if (for whatever reason) I can’t get acknowledgement from my family… is there a way I can give it to myself?”

Or “If I had a best friend with whom I could have meaningful conversations about life… I wouldn’t feel so alone. How can I meet new people and find such a person?”

Between the hypnotherapy and listening to Marisa Peer and Mel Robbins… I’ve come to accept the cold hard truth that ultimately — my happiness is up to me. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear The hypnotherapist gave me an audio recording of the session and I’ve listened to it over and over:

Quote:

“It starts with you. Every single person who lays on every single couch across the world — the change starts with the person on the couch. You ARE enough. And you have so much evidence of that. But the change in how you’re going to start receiving the messages/actions from others — it starts with you. And I know logically your brain is fighting me on that. I know logically your brain is saying, ‘She’s wrong. I’m by myself. Nobody cares. Nobody reaches out.’ You’ve got a list of things that tell you that you are alone. Some of them are right and some of them may not be. But only you can make that shift. And you may not logically have the answer, but it’s inside of you.”

My response to that was, “But HOW???” To which the hypnotherpist said, “I know. the HOW is the biggest $64,000 question. HOW? Every person is different. But I’d say it starts with self-validating yourself each and every day, each and every moment.”

I cried SO hard during this particular hypno session that I completely ruined the hypnotherapist’s eye pillow. It took me several minutes to calm down at the end of the session. This was shortly before I traveled to visit my mother, and that visit with my mother turned out to be one of the best ever. I truly believe it was because I made a deliberate choice to change how I behaved, and in turn — my mother’s behavior towards me was different.

When I returned from my trip, I began connecting with old friends in very deep, meaningful ways. One day I had THREE such encounters. One friend told me, “Your energy is really different.” Another friend said, “You don’t just sound different in your mood — your VOICE actually sounds different.”

I still have down days. But in those moments I tell myself that they will pass because I KNOW I’m capable of having good days now.

I’m certainly not claiming to have the answer for you. Just sharing my personal experience in hopes that something might “click” with you and help you feel better

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Oh, just what my therapist says. You have everything you need to face things successfully in you. And you know what. He is right. I just forget way to often still!

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

chaosqueen wrote:

I just forget way to often still!

You know what, CQ? I think I churn my thoughts just like I do my things :lol: I’ll have big AH-HA moments… and later they end up buried and forgotten at the bottom of the “Thought Pile.”

Later, something will remind me of that AH-HA realization — maybe I stumble across notes I wrote about them or someone says something that reminds me about them — and I re-AH-HA :!: “OH YEAH! That gem!”

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Yes. Like me remembering that I am “hot sauce” long story :lol:

[OddsocksParticipant]

bluesyjay wrote:

thanks CQ for reminding me of that

I guess that if I feel I am just talking about me, it can be helpful of course, but it also feels like “too much”

as if I am (again, as I felt in my past) taking up too much space,

being too much, about me

You can never be taking up too much space here!! Obviously, there isnt a limit and also its voluntary for other people what they read! People do read them, but they dont have to!

And of course we talk about ourselves, not the weather!

[Author]

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