TRUST THE PROCESS….

[bluesyjayParticipant]

have been doing a lot in my house in all this time…on one side, even if nothing (YET) to show for it

on the other side have been shopping like there is no tomorrow, which is in this moment the main reason I am not feeling well with myself

feeling very bad more because of the financial side, which is out of character for me, to have spent so much in such a stupid way

then because of the clutter

and I am confronting myself on this, may or may not get into more detail about it, not for now

I know the triggers, there has been a lot happening I have ben in full blown emergency mode for family for many weeks

and the result has been self destructive behaviour

today I was supposed to continue with my marathon clearing sessions, but it’s that time of the month and I can hardly stand straight without my head spinning, so taking the morning to bundle up with blanket and hot water bottle and loads of coffee cups and slowly catching up on videos, and on what is happening here

the micro progress I can relate is that I would have normally felt bad for “being lazy” this morning, even though I am not feeling well

because of how bad everything really is around me

today I am not

which in my inner world is a step forward

I have been doing a MAJOR DIY remodel in my bedroom

no painting the walls, which I have decided to not do for now, as the process of emptying the room would have been impossible at this stage, for many reasons

and it was also not a matter of just painting, but of having to strip off who knows how many layers of old wall paper

I have also decided to let go of the idea of “real” wardrobes, even from ikea, as it is too much of a cost, and to be able to use all of the height would have been a great endeavour (which I did in my micro kitchen, using all vertical space possible) and too much of a cost to have enough wardrobe

so I have been DIYing it

will report back a little at a time

just want to sort of get back to where I am at the moment with the mess

it has been and still is, a HUGE physical task in the bedroom

so there is a huge mess, and the overspill of it everywhere

plus since I had the guy paint my bathroom, which has been one of the first triggers in falling back, all the bathroom stuff is still everywhere as well,

I still need to DIY the bathroom before putting stuff in, have not been in the mindset to

now I am as soon as I finish the bedroom

plus

I have LOADS AND LOADS of huge cardboard boxes everywhere from my shopping (also they send enormous boxes for no real reason) and I am throwing some out a little at a time, mainly for two reasons, neighbours, and because I am trying to return all that I can, so I need boxes of different sizes for the returns

the positive side is that those will be an easy freeing up of much space as soon as finish all the return process, and they are mostly not pretty boxes I feel inclined to keep

wishing all a lovely day

hoping to be able to be here more again if nothing else happens praying

[bluesyjayParticipant]

I am having a hard time relating the humungous effort of work I have been incessantly doing in the flat,

and this because of my shopping

but for now I will move the focus from that issue (without forgetting it)

which seems to make every other effort useless

and focus back on the constructive things

because the only positive thing so far is that I have never stopped doing something to progress forward, in spite of all the relapse and the fact that FOR NOW I have nothing to show for it

NOT YET

I must say thought that I have really been doing a huge task, all by myself

physically exhausting and time-consuming

and I am still in the midst of it, because I need to order more shelving units for the system from ikea, but do not have money right now, and I want to be sure of what I will need

I will get back to what I have been doing later on,

the thing is I have been tackling the worst room in the flat, the bedroom, where nothing much at a deeper level had been done

today my general tasks have been:

1. go through all the huge cardboard boxes and sort them

those that went to recycling

those I need for returns

those I will keep for now for sorting and organising stuff

DONE

this has made a difference in the appearance of mess

2. look everywhere for all the plastic bags and tags and receipts for the next returns

organise the next returns

DONE

3. find the next books to get out of the house

I have brought two suitcases of books out of the house finally

they are not new things I have sorted, but things I did not manage to sell or donate, in spite of trying for months everywhere, and was kind of despairing of having to throw them in the paper recycle

in the meantime, my brother is in the process of renting out a small flat he has to tourists as an airbnb or something like that, and it would be better to have books and other things

yay!!! so I brought all those books with the bus and up 4 flights of stairs (no lift, old house) and realised the bookshelves are still empty!

I need to hurry up and bring more books there, as this is a great opportunity

I have books in every language of every kind (well almost) and I love it when I travel and there are books around, it makes everything more cosy

so I am happy to offer my books

I found another load and will try to find more tomorrow

I have made a dent in the floor mess of the living room, even if it is not my current focus, because most of the boxes were thrown around here

I wonder if I am the only one that has so much trouble throwing out the garbage/recycle because I am so ashamed the neighbours will see the amount of stuff that goes out?

this is one of the reasons I still have some stuff needing to be thrown in the house

I have to force myself everytime, trying to find moments when hopefully nobody will see me

can anyone relate to this?

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

bluesyjay wrote:

my brother is in the process of renting out a small flat he has as an airbnb… so I bought all those books…

I have books in every language… it makes everything more cosy so I am happy to offer my books

Great win-win

bluesyjay wrote:

I wonder if I am the only one that has so much trouble throwing out the garbage/recycle because I am so ashamed the neighbours will see the amount of stuff that goes out? can anyone relate to this?

I’ve read MANY posts on reddit by people expressing this worry. I think when we’re focused on our issue, it feels like everyone is watching us. But most likely — people are so into their own worlds that they aren’t paying attention to what we’re taking out

[bluesyjayParticipant]

Yup I know you are right, but I still feel awkward, and they do give me the look when we cross and I have loads of cardboard and trash!!!

yikes it’s I “brought” the books not “bought” ha ha I went and fixed the typo

I have only been buying clothes lately, and yes a few ebooks, at least those do not take up space!

[bluesyjayParticipant]

today I decided to finally tackle the bathroom and the painting of the tiles

so I can finally at least bring that room, that I had previously conquered to a “normal” level (although still too packed)

back to that order

and in the process empty out the rest of the flat with bathroom stuff again!

emptied it out, scrubbed all the tiles well

gave a first coat (I am only doing some specific tiles with a design colour feature I hate and that was here in the house)

a bit nervous about the outcome

really impatient to get the bathroom back

I saw some pics I had taken months ago of bathroom and kitchen conquered at what I call a first “normal” level (whatever normal means, that’s why I always put the “”)

cannot believe how nice it was and how bad it is again

I need to get back to there and onwards

[kaizenParticipant]

“There is freedom waiting for you,

O̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶b̶r̶e̶e̶z̶e̶s̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶k̶y̶,̶

[In painting ugly tiles,]

And you ask “What if I fall?”

Oh but my darling,

What if you fly?”

― [original by] Erin Hanson

Good job being brave! Hope your painting experiment flies!

I have an old brick fireplace front that I’ve contemplated painting. Some of the bricks are sooty black, and that’s where I think the paint might not stick & cover properly. WAY down the list, past all the “how to keep my house from falling apart” things! :oops:

[bluesyjayParticipant]

thank you so much kaizen, I really really appreciate it every time you write something

and the poem is lovely

how are you doing?

yes the painting of the tiles is something “extra” and not urgent here too, with the state of the flat, but it was now or never

I bought the paint years ago, with other things that need to be done as well in the bathroom, when I was in one of my overachieving optimistic waves

then I never felt the strength courage to empty out the bathroom and try this out

since I had to empty the bathroom because of the leakage from upstairs and the repainting of the ceiling,

I figured this is the time!

also because a lot of my clutter is also DIY projects in the waiting and no place to store them

I was procrastinating because everytime I see people do these things on youtube they come out so easy and perfect

and mine are 90% frustrating and imperfect, even when they do come out great it takes a thousand adjustments and changes

any way

so far so good

of course I had a roller coaster moment

yesterday the paint was looking HORRIBLE I was upset and spent HOURS on amazon trying to figure out a solution

then I miraculously decided to WAIT

while I kept looking in between coats of paint etc,

and finding ideas to continue, but I did not buy anything

whatever I do next will not need to have all the furniture out

and right now I really cannot buy anything else, but it has ben a useful search, and I did find some ideas for other parts of the house I need to tackle later on

now the paint dried in a totally different way and it is ok

better than before, there was a horrible old (and not in a charming vintagey cute way) brown and muddy green pattern

and it was dark

luckily only a strip of it

now it is gone!

it’s still not “there”

but at least it’s a blank canvas

so now my task is doing the touch ups and clean-ups, I got so frustated that I got sloppy towards the end

then cleaning

then starting to put back some of the furniture

while I do that I am going to declutter all over again

it used to be all organised and in all these months now it has become a total mess again

so not sure how long this will take, I always underestimate

hoping by the end of the week the bathroom will be back to “zero”

[bluesyjayParticipant]

update

1. I got rid of all the sloppy edges, and that started my re-decluttering of bathroom stuff, using some cheap nail files that I could not get myself to throw away previously because new (gifts from previous beauty buying) but was not using…and did not want to go down and hunt for my sandpaper

2. gave a last, very thin layer of paint all around that strip that goes around all the bathroom and bathtub

3. started cleaning up in bits and pieces, without risking messing up the paint that is drying, so vacuum, wash

4. experimenting with painting a chair

on the tin, since the paint is a special (expensive) paint that you have to mix with another liquid, you have to throw it out after 10 days or so, so I am thinking of how to make the best use of it, I do not have “real” chairs in my house, only some ikea foldable chairs, which I bought a decade or more ago, in colours that do not match my home, so I am trying to paint one and see what happens, since this is at least a neutral colour that I had to pick up to match the rest of the tiles…..

next up is fixing some of the grout that I did not get to previously

it makes such a different when the grout is fresh

I know this sounds like not pertinent to the chaos

but again, I hope to not have to empty out the bathroom again in….forever???

well no, I do want to move out eventually

anyway, since the bathroom is empty I want to finish up all these things, that do make a huge impact

the only thing I wish I could do now but do not have the funds for is the flooring, buying some vinyl stick on flooring to cover up the hideous tiles, but that will have to wait

so at least the clean grout makes a huge difference on ugly old tiles, as much as I scrub them and bleach them it never really looks great

I am thinking of investing maybe in a slim (my bathroom is tiny, long and narrow) sort of carpet that may be bathroom proof???

maybe something that looks nicer than these tiles

again…that will have to wait

I also had DIY-ed a lamp for the ceiling as I have a very cheap simple ikea lamp thingy, that is now in my aunt’s basement will have to go pick it up at some point

I also may put up a tiny shelf that I have somewhere lying around for a spot and was too overwhelmed to drill in

now is the time

and I guess that while things dry in between I may just have to start decluttering and preparing what I can to go back in….

I am so impatient to just shove everything back in but I want to have one room decent again

because I am feeling really really stressed at how low I have relapsed

plus getting busy, if I manage to wait and not buy for all the future diys that is, helps me to avoid shopping anymore

which I have anyway no money left to do!!!

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Make sure you find plenty of things that don’t need to go back in and can be released You got this!

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

bluesyjay, hope your bathroom project turned out to your liking and that you’ve reclaimed that space I’m itching to do some sewing DIY projects but still haven’t figured out what’s wrong with my sewing machine

I’m pretty sure the reason I feel like sewing right now is because I don’t want to deal with tax stuff that’s due tomorrow :lol:

[Author]

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