- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
bluesyjay
kitchen almost done, pans in soaking clothes/shoes/bags prepared for tomorrow
load of laundry on
bathroom pick-up done
started making list for packing and started making a space on the table to put things, pulled out luggage
I need to iron because that is what is occupying the living-room table, and once that is cleared I may be able to focus on entry and bedroom
I am also gradually rivisiting stuff, clothing, as it comes up
because the stuff I am currently wearing on rotation is getting larger, (yay!)
I will need to to decide what to try to tailor, as a way to hone my skills, or what to have taken in, and what to let go of,
for now, I just have one pair of pants I really like that are starting to be way too baggy to use for work, still ok I guess for casual, I will take those in
still not feeling ready to try on the tighter stuff-in-waiting
my running pants are very loose, I like them that way (they were loose to begin with as I do not like anything that looks like a legging, tight etc) as long as they don’t fall off my hips they are still ok, but they will hopefully be too lose
I am using them every day and have only those fitting now
checking out the sales for some large loose sorts/running bermudas, not too short, but that I may actually let my calves see the light of day at some point…
so I guess I will do the ironing now, and maybe revisit some clothing to let go along the way…
so I did some ironing yesterday and started figuring out the packing morning out
got back and continued some packing and in the process have been putting away some clothing that is scattered around
I really have no space for my shoes because the systems I tried never seem to work, but I need to work on the bedroom in order to tackle that issue
I am feeling really tired, which is probably stress related, of not making much progress, of some worries related to house, garden, condo, etc, of leaving which always somehow makes me anxious because I paradoxically feel I lose time, even when I may not do much by staying…it’s going to hopefully be positive to at least leave the city, even if it’s not at all a holiday
at least I will find time to take long walks and runs, maybe read
thinking about going to the park to wake myself up now,
but if I go there I will probably not be able to do much else afterwards because I do feel exhausted
I am NOT feeling motivated with decluttering at all because of the mindset of leaving for a week, which makes no sense rationally
but I need to make progress
even just a little
still a lot to iron but not sure I am in the mood for it
I need to come up with a plan
7 weeks till September, of which 1 I will be out, so that makes 6, of which 1 is halfway through
plans and projects always help me focus
Kim2014
I’d start by giving yourself a pass on how well ironed everything is, Is it possible to watch tv or a video while you do it? It slows the process but can make it a lot easier to get through.
thanks Kim2014 for stopping by 
I actually find it – sort of – relaxing to iron, and I watch youtube videos that entail mostly listening and not much watching, or podcasts or audiobooks
the thing is that I always feel I should be doing something else instead of ironing, like decluttering
WHATEVER I do, except work, I feel I should be decluttering and that poisons my life with guilt…gosh
I went to the park only to walk in the end because I was literally falling asleep, yet I can never sleep during the day, a mix of guilt again and unable to relax and fear I will then not sleep at night (tonight I finally slept better and I wish I could have slept in this morning)
yesterday I was not feeling well at all, not sure if it was just the heat (there was almost no sane mortal in the park, except for a couple of maniac runners getting a tan)
it did help me feel better and I was ok with not doing anymore in the end
my packing is still underway as always I tend to bring way too much (not surprisingly) because I never know about the weather etc, so I then need to weed down
went to work in the morning
now I need to motivate myself to get something done this afternoon
I know this kind of roadblock comes when I do not have a clear sense of the next step and get into overwhelm mode
also of course it’s the fatigue and fed up of always decluttering that gets to me
so the week out will be good in this sense
as for today
1. clean the kitchen (I am being terrible these days at “shining the sink”)
2. packing finished except for last stuff
3. make a list of things to remember (to do, etc) connected to the week off
4. work on entry way clearing the pile in the corner
5. iron the rest of the stuff, or as much possible
so regarding the last list did most of it, need but still work in progress today need to close up the house for a week,
which also means giving the plants a very good drink, I could not afford yet to install an automatic water system so I am worried with this heat what I will find, but the weather report says there should be two thunderstorms during my absence so that should give water hopefully
I will also be working today a little and then leaving directly tomorrow from y mother’s house so a bit of organisation
I somehow managed to reorg the pile in the entryway, I did not really declutter anything just rearranged stuff, it is a bit better
I also started rearranging my bedroom, which had piles scattered on the floor once again
I mostly sorted the stuff in categories piling them in neater ways and putting away what I could
I also tried on more clothes I had not yet, and made a bag I am closing away of things that do not fit (YET), that I will not open at least until September, but I will write this on a card attached to the bag, because I always think I remember my org things then I don’t and have to do it all over again
there is another pile of things that fit but I feel are no comfortable, a bit tight, so I will try those on sometime later, will decide on a date and do the same thing
the room is a bit better, still piles to deal with
the living room is occupied but the packing and ironing,
will not be ironing today, as I keep finding more stuff to iron
I want to do a comparison with the clutter image scoring cards, as I have done in the past, to see how I am doing, but I may do that when I get back
I feel there is less stuff certainly (how I wish I had taken pics!!) but it still is somehow a real mess
so it’s not as packed but it’s still disorganised and scattered overwhelm
BUT I do think that the house (not sure about my inner mindset) has upgraded from borderline hoarder/hoarder status, above the imaginary boundary, to now being under that imaginary boundary, as packrat/clutterholic/borderline hoarder
which is progress
when I get back I will compare the pics and see where I was last time and if there is any progress, even though I can’t really relate to those pics because my mess is very different in nature
the yard is a true desolation and it makes me sad and anxious every time I step into it,
but it requires a LOT of physical exertion which I have not had the ongoing strength for in quite some time, and also consistency in following up with the plants which I have also been too overwhelmed to do, and a lack of knowhow as well
I contacted a thing online where they were supposed to send me some estimates for having some work done by a professional but nobody answered!
anyway that is one of my priorities in August, fix the yard
so for today
– leave the kitchen clean
– finish packing last things
– water plants well (it takes a very long time)
– if possible do a little more in bedroom
– leave the house as decent as possible, in order to not get too overwhelmed when coming back
I wonder if the sense of ‘I should be doing something else’ be a result of build up of many jobs that need attention? (it is with me) or possibly the idea that more visible issues need tackling first? I’ve found learning to understand what’s nagging at me has helped me to get a better grip. I don’t know if this will help with over-packing: I learnt to make a list of all I’d taken and then note what did and didn’t get used, and things needed that we didn’t have while we were away and then refer to it next pack.
Plants: if you have terracotta pots, make a bung for the hole (things like plasticine and blu tac will do in emergency) and dig a hole next to the plant, preferably in shade, and put the pot in up to it’s brim, then fill it with water and cover it. It will slowly seep into the earth acting as a slow back up watering system. (adding gravel will slow it down)
I always find coming back after being away quite helpful. There’s a moment when you walk back in that you don’t quite recognise the place as yours before familiarity comes back. In that moment you see it as others would and I think that can be quite helpful sometimes. It may depend on the individual.
I think many people, including me, find the clutter scale pictures pretty odd too.
chaosqueen
Or maybe not allowing oneself to do anything that is enjoyable or not hoard related until “everything is done” which means never? thanks for your insightful comments, both of you, will think about them got back Monday late evening, had to work yesterday and did not manage to sleep almost at all due to the heat wave, and maybe stress from the week and from being back “on clutter duty”
so today I have been practically sleeping all day and cannot keep my eyes open!
trying to just go with it and rest
it’s been good to at least take distance from the house clutter problems
but also a tiring week as I have been helping one side of the family to try to decide/put an old country family house from a place that is too far away for me to use on sale, so there have been fights (not me thankfully, still stressful) and not very restful
also I brought some stuff home, not a lot but still some family knickknacks from my childhood
still a bit in limbo
tomorrow will have some appointments from work, hopefully I will be seriously back in clearing mode on Friday, but I would like to get a little done before that as well
On one side I am happy to be back and finally alone again on my time and in my space
on the other side, I really keep feeling strongly this house is not where I want to live….
I wonder if this sort of hypnotic spell of sleepiness – I am making an effort to keep my eyes open and write, feeling totally drowsy and weak – is a defence mechanism from having to confront the mess
I feel a huge anxiety rising at the thought of being here, the whole month of August as my “last” month to really make some progress, so that in September, I just may have some sort of a life again?
the weird thing is I was super tired before leaving, but the week I was out, which was by no means a holiday, I was super active and although normally tired, full of energy…
as soon as I step into the house, something drains me and I feel like underwater…
ShedTheShame
Hi, bluesyjay!! bluesyjay wrote:as soon as I step into the house, something drains me and I feel like underwater…
Just experienced this myself, having been away for 3 days:roll: Now it’s back to the grind. Unfortunately, my paper clutter didn’t decide to leave while I was away
I’m not up to date on the board, but I did scan some posts about you walking/running regularly and weight loss
:!: BRAVA
My brain is still all over the place these days, so I may fade in and out. But I’m glad to see so much activity here.
Onward and upward!
StS
Hi ShedtheShame I am always so happy whenever I read you popping back in!
hope to read you soon again whenever you feel like it and that you are doing better each day.
yes the fact I have lost/am in the process of losing more is motivating also on other levels, like clutter, even if I am still a long way to go…
as I wrote somewhere today, I feel that having an area where I can feel some sort of control, some sort of positive result for taking action, helps to feel more motivated in other areas as well
and the fact of being outdoors as much as possible whenever possible to walk or run is also very beneficial for my mood and sanity
I really felt that my daily moments in the woods these past days when in the midst of helping out has somehow helped me recenter and not let others stuff bring me down
I am also learning not to beat myself up when there are days like today, that I have been all day completely KO
I think I am still processing a lot of emotional stuff that has happened these past days, that I am not even aware of, and is happening, “undercurrent” at an unconscious level and is sucking me of energy
I am so good at “sucking it up” and doing what needs to be done when it needs to be done, especially for others (not as good for myself)
and then I tend to disconnect that there is a price to pay, that usually shows up as soon as I have some time to myself
so I guess that this is also a growth process, learning that I need to rest & recuperate and it is OK, even if it does not feel ok
ok, so today is the first day since I came back from the trip, in which I do not have a schedule/appointments I woke up feeling exhausted and depressed and not finding the courage to get up
then I drank something hot and read some posts in here, and it gave me the strength to slowly start doing something
I knew the post office was due, and doing simple brainless errands always gives me a sense of accomplishment
so now I am back, I emptied the washing machine to dry on the line…
I need to really start doing something about the house
and the first thing is to restore the mess from coming back from the trip, and of course the kitchen is chaos
I am going to allow myself all the breaks I need as long as I move forward, I feel a little better than the past days
have not been to the park for two days now (was there on Tuesday) it is also almost 40° Fahrenheit here, extremely hot
I would like to try and go maybe in the early evening if I can because I usually never skip for more than one day and I walk a lot, which I have not managed to do because I was feeling such a zombie
so my next moves will be:
1. clean the kitchen (sink, counters)
2. organise packages to return tomorrow for post office
3. get rid of the suitcases, clear the living-room floor
apparently I have been taking my permission to have long breaks seriously! :mrgreen: at least I am not feeling too much of a zombie which is better
so far got the kitchen done (only the sink/stove/counter on the food preparation side, the other side needs to be re-decluttered at some point)
and I also tried on a dress (which with this heat is not exactly fun) and prepared the package for tomorrow
so now I need to attack the living room explosion of luggages!
it appears there may be a storm in preparation which I hope will maybe cool off the air and give much needed water to plants and trees around
crossing my fingers for (not too strong) rain…the weather has really changed, and it has gone to such extremes in the past years…
managed to empty the suitcases and small backpack got all the stuff off the floor
and most important all the stuff is – sort of – in its place, even though the main issue is that I – still – do not have places for most things
the table has things sorted, there is clean laundry that needs ironing, (I washed all the stuff from the trip and it is dry/drying)
there is a pile of books, and some other things that need actioning in the next days
I also managed to bring the bathroom back to order, no cleaning just putting things away
this was supposed to just be the “back to square one”, bringing the house back to how it was when I left
but I am not going to be able to do anything else for today
I guess I have to be happy with this for now, even if I feel the pressure to finish this mess
I want to and need to move on to other things in my life and stop hiding underneath my clutter
going to bed early mostly with the sleeping pill, I only take it if/when I feel more stressed out and it works with no side effects, but I have also been able to sleep without, even in another bed and a spooky old country house in the back of the woods (which actually relaxed me even if the others were afraid)
:lol: I guess managing to sleep, even if with a pill, is a major step forward, even if I never feel safe that it is conquered, but I will take it
still I feel I am still so tired I never want to get up
I am feeling better than a few days ago though, focus on the positive
I guess I don’t have anything motivating me to get up, I keep opening my eyes and feeling depressed at the thought that the only thing awaiting is clutter
:o :shock: I am also not at ease with still trying to let go and forgive my family stuff
and I don’t know how to do this
I had that major breakthrough that is still “working” on me undercurrent, of how I finally got it emotionally and not only rationally of how things have been and will always be on their side
so it’s back to me
I love them, yet I am still in pain, not clear, not free inside, not totally loving and over
and that makes me feel ambivalent and unhappy with myself (what a change)
I want to be over with things, I want to let go
this is so related to holding on to stuff
let go of anger, of hurt of pain,
what makes things more difficult is that it is not about the past as the same situations just repeat themselves constantly in the present
so I get triggered back
I do not want to be that person anymore,
I finally got it deep inside (I hope, once and for all) they are unable unaware unwilling to change and be any different
I am the one who is hurting
I need to get past this
up till now the only way I have found to cope was avoidance, as long as I could,
like now most of the family is on holiday together and sending pics of their happy days
while I am here in the crazy heat with my clutter (this is MY fault and responsibility, just stating the facts)
I could not be with them because there is too much pain
yet a part of me would only love to be able to let go of any expectation and forget I am invisible with them
I can see in me my own part in the whole thing, up till so recently still clinging for validation and acceptance and love
I want to be better, different, I want to be able to forgive all that has happened and all that was missed
I want to be able to be the one to take care of myself, which I am still having to learn, because I have never received and have no real clue on how to love myself
but I am learning
I want to have secure boundaries, grounded centred not having to disappear avoid, not having to hide beneath my stuff and my depression
my depression is a wall
so is my stuff
but as of today I feel I do not know how to truly be with them on a consistent basis without just “checking out”
I need to be “checking out” and just forget I exist in order to “participate” I just feel alien, in an emotional desert
I love them but I feel an invisible stranger
as if the only reason for me to be alive in that setting is to be there for others and not on my own
I know at some level this is my distorted painful thinking
yet there is a spark of truth in it
I need to end this spilling out of my guts
:mrgreen: the only thing I have managed to come up with is
time…let things settle, don’t force it, it’s good not being there now
and even more so, take care of me
I need to rebuild my life, have a life, recenter on me, my own desert is what makes their every move echo so much and so devastatingly in me
I need to learn to love them from a distance with boundaries
and in order to do that I need to have something in my own life and world that now feels so bare and stuffed at the same time
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.