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Gawainsgoverness
Into the final week, and feeling horribly despondent. Last week’s flurry of activity from the ex has stopped. He took a lot of our binbags to the tip, sorted out a little bit of the kitchen (He replaced stuff and I scrubbed) and he has moved his books from the stairs.
And that is it. Nothing has moved from any of his rooms. The rest of the kitchen is worse if anything. he is just in complete denial.
It is really hard, his children have worked so hard to do as much as they can, and he is indifferent. Maddening.
I know he may get back on board tomorrow, but with only two days to go before Thirsday’s deadline not sure how much he can realistically achieve in that time. Not enough is the answer I am trying to avoid thinking of.
bluesyjay
pfff, yes that IS maddening! is there any chance they will give you more days, seeing that there has been progress?
rooting for you!
Kim2014
You may be able to negotiate more time, but it may just encourage him to believe somehow none of this is really going to happen. You can only do as much as you can do and hopefully the authorities will see that. Nana
Don’t give up – never let the actions of others become your excuse. Two days effort on your part could perhaps show that you are serious in your wish for change, could show what you can achieve, and if you have tried all you can up to the limit of physical endurance at least you will never wonder if things might have been different if you’d tried harder.
Well. I have an extra week. I was given the choice as to whether I wanted it or not, but the council thought it might be easier to deal with the house after my impending court action, when hopefully there will be some sort of legal decision, and the council will work from there. I grabbed at it, but then wondered. I feel I am giving the ex a chance to get away with it. There’s not a lot of movement still in the house as far as his mountain is concerned, although he complained that my daughter and I tidied up his letter about the house and he can’t find it now. Of course we did. Anyway, an extra week it is.
He is oddly attempting friendly banter. He has not been civil to me in years, and I find it perplexing that he starts now, asking about my family and friends and ignoring the massive elephant of his hoard. He does not mention why we are all there scrubbing away. Truly in denial about it all.
Thank you all for your support. x
I’ve been absent so don’t know if your circumstances have changed at all, so when you say ‘I feel I am giving the ex a chance to get away with it,’ are you still trying to either get him out and move in, or the pair of you sort out and sell up? If one of those is still the aim and you believe still achievable, then avoiding compulsory purchase and/or bills or a lien for compulsory cleaning makes sense and what he gets away with or not isn’t the important thing though I can see it must be galling.
Regarding his changed behaviour, he’s possibly realising he’s coming to the end of the road with it all, one way or another, or possibly seeing you as united as a team against a common threat, or even bailing him out. He may even be quietly surprised/grateful that you aren’t forcing his hand here. I think whatever you can only try and keep your mind on the end result you’re seeking regardless of what’s going on.
However, I’m not really surprised he doesn’t ‘mention why we are all there scrubbing away,’ really. IME most people with a hoarding problem who
weren’tdamaging others’ lives, often wouldn’t mention it either when receiving help, so in his case doubly so. I think an extra week sounds like good news and I agree with what has been written, focus on the end result
if he is friendlier – even if it’s weird/insincere/not trustworthy – it may at least make things better for you while you are there, scrubbing away
always rooting for you
I am finding my moods and my opinions fluctuate lately as I am so tired and worn down by everything. i have come to the conclusion that the week is a good thing, and I will be able to do more. Another week there is almost more than I can stand, but I will grit my teeth.
the ex is oddly civil still. Not mentioning the court case, though he is now aware I have asked for him to clear up or get out.
Even if he manages to do enough to get away with it (doubtful, at his present rate, I now realise that the evidence I have for the court is already incriminating. So I am not going to worry about “getting away with it”. I don;t mind if he manages to evade the council as that means a cleared house – I was concerned that he could evade the court, which would continue to have a negative on me and my family, but on more sleep and reflection I doubt he can.
He has been removing his valuables from the house, rather than clearing up as such. So I wonder if he thinks it will come to the council clear up, and is making sure he keeps the best stuff. (He is renting a storage space to keep it all!)
I am finding one of the hardest things to deal with in tidying is the difficulty in getting into a rhythm. So much stuff is all mixed up, and tangled or rotted, it takes a long time to go through everything – and so much for hoarders hiding money in places – this one is too canny – I’ve achieved the grand sum of 21p
:lol: And I saw my first rat there today, as opposed to evidence of.
Ridiculously the ex has been telling neighbours that he has to clear up because I have complained to the council. I think he believes people will feel sorry for him with such a vindictive ex wife – but surely they will wonder why it took that for him to clear up and he didn’t just do it anyway.
It does sounds like he’s recognised the potential of the council taking over. It is difficult to do what you’re doing and keep a rythm under better circumstances when you’ve been invited and the aim is an entirely happy ending, so I think you’re doing very well to keep ploughing through this in the difficult circumstances.
He does sound like he’s convinced himself that people will buy into whatever he claims. It clearly hasn’t occured to him that the neighbours he’s telling these things to are the very people who are most likely to have complained about him.
:roll: Rat’s and your part of the property: – keep whatever you have there moving around. It may sound over simple but pest controllers know and use it to their advantage. Rats like familiarity and make their homes in places that are undisturbed and avoid places where things keep changing.
chaosqueen
MY worst case scenario brain at work. He si pickugn out the stuff he wants, leaving the rest for either you or the council to clear out. Leaving you with the work and bill. One more week sounds like so much more could get done!
It looks as though you are still responding to your ex as though he was somehow important in your thinking about the situation. He must realize that and maybe he feels that he is going to lead you by the nose on whatever scheme he thinks best – he needs a reality check. A few pointed questions about the future might help to put things into perspective for him – but questions of the kind which show that you are making your own plans and expect him to do the same, without your help.
If he tries to smarm and smile, bend your mouth into a similar shape and repeat the request for information about how he intends to sort things out – I mean – do you really have to be nice to him with all he has done and all you have had to go through?
Update to all this: Yesterday I was in court to get the ex or his clutter out.
The upshot was that he had to sign an undertaking to clear the property in 28 days or go to prison for contempt of court.
This sounds great I know, but I am ambivalent about it.
Good things – the house must be cleared; all the pressure and the repercussions are on him this time, as opposed to the joint pressure from the council, where I faced the same consequences.
Bad things – the ex thinks he has won, and is cock-a -whoop about that. I am a little worried that the judge was keen on a sale. I know this would be an end, and I would have to accept that, but for me it is not the best end. I have received no financial settlement as part of my divorce, and my ex kept everything – all the furniture, white goods, even personal belongings – and I have really struggled to rebuild from scratch with no job, stranded in a tiny village with no transport, and small children to care for. If the house is sold, while it will cease to be a problem I will still have nothing.
The judge told my ex that I had a very good case, but is essentially giving him 28 days to destroy my case, which is entirely based on the hoarding.
Anyway, concentrating on the positives. The house will be cleared (hopefully) and at the end of that time the occupation order will be reassessed. I imagine if the ex clears it a sale will be ordered, and if he does not I have a good chance of returning to my home.
Hi, good to hear from you and it does sound like good news
at least you are not liable anymore for HIS hoard, right?
that at least should be a first relief I guess
since we do not have background, granted it may be too personal to get more specific in here, not sure why you were in such a dire position with him getting away with so much…
with so little information it just sounds crazy you had to deal with everything by yourself raising children
again, I am speaking with a lack of info, but if/once the house is cleared shouldn’t you have the priority to go live there, with your kids (if they are still living with you?)
if the house is for sale, and if up until now you had no financial help, maybe because there was no money
shouldn’t you get more of the sale because of that?
always rooting for you!
Not sure I understand what is going on, but I highly doubt the house will be cleared in 28 days. At least now he is the one who is liable. Thank you. I don’t quite understand how he has got away with it all for so long either. I will say that there have been a catalogue of failures by various agencies, and too many people fell for his charm, – because when he wants to win you over he is very very charming. He is also very plausible – he believes his stories so thoroughly that he can lie very well, though I have come to see this as indicative of his lack of grip on reality.
Despite the squalor he managed to convince social services there was no problem with the house (as they sat in a lviing room full of c**p!) and it was all me being vindictive. He has also convinced our son that the problems are all my fault
I hope you are right CQ. On present form, no change, and he’s been away since the judgement visiting his girlfiend! Not how I would be behaving, but we’ll see,
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