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bluesyjay
that is so true CQ so…yesterday I cam back so exhausted from my appointment on the other side of the city that took me hours to get to and come back from with various buses and tube exchanges, with a major heat wave, I did some organisation, sorting clearing
still have two “cubes” to go through
and all the rest, I only went through them roughly, as a first easier wave of decluttering, when I reorganise the stuff well I will declutter again
so this morning I am finally determined to clear the living room table, which means some decluttering but mostly sorting a lot of paper and putting the piles in the two completely free cubicles, that I will deal with later
for now I need to have the living room appear more free and spacious, well not only appear, because there is more space to put things away even if disorganised
the bathroom leak from upstairs is still not fixed, and apart from the unpleasant having rain in my bathroom, what really stresses me is having to deal with people and even more the potential “threat” of having to have people in the house again at any moment
also because they will soon start some other repairs, that involves the whole building, under me, so I have works above my head and under my feet
and there again I do not know if that will involve anyone having to come into my house
not to mention I have to call them and see the broken floor
I managed to exterminate the ants with the ozone machine!
I still need to keep doing this regularly though to be sure they don’t come back
that is at least a relief
so I have not been to the park yesterday and hopefully will try to go there in the afternoon, will go out for lunch with a friend, which I normally would have not done since I have a whole day for decluttering, but I need to get out of here more often for my mental health
still maybe a couple of hours of work in here now
I hope to see some progress in the living room today
I have not been able to do anything these past two days because I spent all of the time with different family members of course, I should have known that two full days of intense family never leads to good
I was feeling a little better in general, today I went out for lunch and there has been major drama…as often happens, which is one reason I tend to avoid as much as possible, but sometimes months pass by and I feel guilty and get sucked into the trap again
so much so, at the end (we were way past lunch walking to a house) I could not take it anymore and had to leave
now I am feeling physically sick, extremely stressed out and depressed and full of frustration, and anger at the unfairness
because once again everything got manipulated
and WHATEVER I may say, feel or do will NEVER be acknowledged, seen, heard
and I STILL cannot seem to cope with this fact
and I still do not know how to handle the relationships in my family
it seems the only safe space is to not see anyone anymore
I wish I could just not care
and of course seeing the house depresses me even more and I have no strength to do anything at all
Kim2014
Bluesyjay,hello and please excuse me commenting without knowing the backstory, but you sound cornered and I do know about being the scapegoat who’s opinions and feelings hold no value (and no matter how serious the situation is it will always be far less important than the smallest incidents or irritations in other’s lives) and consequently will always be on the receiving end of antagonistic behaviour from some. Some people just need others to be lesser or permanently in the wrong in order to feel ok about themselves. If that’s the case then whatever you do they’ll always manipulate the situation to achieve that. Those people fill their lives up with accusations, manipulations and emotional dramas the way we fill ours up with physical stuff.
It’s dysfunctional and sets us up on an apologetic back foot for life, and doesn’t actually do them any favours either.
Things got a lot easier when I accepted I am not, cannot, and don’t want to be, the person some others want me to be and while it doesn’t mean I think much of who I am, I’m going to be me and they can be them and viva la difference.
It isn’t not caring, it’s accepting what is knowing it’s not changeable unless they want to change, and getting on with it as best one can.
Hello Kim2014thank you for your words,
sometimes I need to be able to communicate, even if to the screen, what in the end is at the core of my depression firstly, and of my hoarding stemming from there
I know that deep down I need to come to terms and accept the fact that what I never received in the past, in the form of validation, acceptance, a true soul nourishment and nurturing, a positive mirroring for just BEING, without having to constantly prove myself, and be what everyone else wants.
I have known this for so long and worked on this forever as well, through decades of therapy and self work and you name it
and at some level I am very much aware of it all yet I fight against this
I have never fully accepted that this is it
but at another level, certain wounds are so deep and come from so far away that I still go to that place
probably because I just cannot detach myself and not feel for those who cannot even see me
I know that whatever they do is not intentional and that there is no awareness, so in the end I feel that I am wrong, as is the constant reminder, I am the crazy one…and in the end I believe it, so deeply emotionally, that I get trapped by it…
and I just need to – damn it! – stop trying again and again to be understood and break through a wall that has NOTHING on the other side
sometimes I phantasise of having a witness with me, when things happen, a stranger that is fair and has no agenda to “report” what really happens and make everyone acknowledge it, including reassuring me that I am not crazy, that what I feel, and see and hear is real, even if constantly denied. I feel, in my phantasy, that this would save me from feeling I am going mad…
there is a lot of gaslighting, denial, psychological violence….
the difficulty again is that I still have very strong loving attachments, that coexist with a lot of pain and ambivalence
because things are never only one way, so I get confused and even more I spiral down in the “gaslighting” and the confusion
I was just told, among a lot of things, yet again, that I have a pathological incapacity for deciding, which at some level is true, and that is the entryway to confusion when things get manipulated
and I have been thinking, that apart from my contemplative nature, the fact that I am a seeker, that I try not to judge and to abstain, when I can, that I love to research things and the facets of things, that I love complexity, so all of this is what may seem like indecisiveness, (which is present, but in other ways)
but I thought that maybe this is also because I grew up never knowing what is true and what is real, with an extreme confusion of who is saying a lie, of what has really happened…and I think this does not help me to trust my instincts, and what I feel deep down, as it has always been denied and clouded
up till now the only way I have found to participate in family life, here and there, very sparingly, is just to totally forget about me and focus on whatever is happening,
to not expect anything, not even “how are you?” not even “what is going on in your life?” ever
just accept that it is always going to be about them and their world
see them as less possible,
find ways to recover my soul, because each time I spend a few hours with them, I feel my whole life force has been sucked out of me
that I am a shell with nothing left inside
that I do not even exist anymore
I know this may sound as a victim, and maybe I do enter that kind of spell
it may sound extreme and dramatic but I feel each time as if there is no reason left to live after I have been there a little,
and it is so deep and unexplainable, irrational…something inside is torn open and raw
and yet when for months and months I avoid, I feel left out, abandoned, alone
every summer almost all the family meets on holiday, I never go because it feels dangerous, and at the same time I feel sad, because I wish I knew just how to be there without allowing things to really get to me…why am I so different? How can they all seem to just get along and survive? (even if each and every member has serious issues, yet they all seem to live a “normal” life, whatever that is)
the reality is that I have always been “left out” anyway in what is truly important and each time I live in the illusion that this time things will be different
thankfully I can somehow – hopefully – today not let myself go there, and take care of myself, at least a little to “revive” myself back to life
maybe part of this depression that gets accrued is also the anger towards myself for still desperately seeking and needing what has never been there and does not exist
I berate myself with “how can you still possibly not have learnt”?
I constantly get criticised with “what is it that you even want in the end?” whenever I point out bullying (not only towards me) and/or the many forms of toxicity
all this is not allowing myself to go out in the world and believe that any kind of healthy, loving relationship is possible for me
apparently I am the broken one, so I am afraid to let anyone near
sorry for this message
I am feeling extremely raw, and not sure I will be able to leave this message on the board for long
yet somehow maybe I am coping, probably because I am not expecting anything from myself these days, other than work, which I have trained myself to be able to do even when I am at my worst. I have not been able to do anything in the house and I am not attacking myself for it
the park is literally saving me
the trees, the birds, the dogs happily running around, walking, running, feeling my body at least is alive, even if my soul has checked out, sitting on a bench, doing nothing, listening to the cicadas
if I could I would stay there all day…not even sure I can communicate what it is that heals me there,
maybe the possibility of just being, and feeling that at least nature is always there welcoming and embracing
so in the end yesterday I was feeling better each moment, I went out for lunch with a true friend forever who knows everything and with whom I do not need to fake, put on the happy mask… yet somehow, we only briefly mentioned the whole family mess thing (as it is nothing new) because I WAS BORED with it a
and I had fun at lunch! I then went to work and was fine
and this morning same thing, feeling better, still all the stuff buzzing in me
and there are loose ends (as in someone is upset with me and at some point will come knocking to upset me…but I am FOR ONCE letting them boil in their own hell)
so I am not serene, but I just got it, I will never manage, with the lot I got family wise, to be totally serene anyway as long as their abrupt intrusions
I need to focus on MY LIFE
which seems so unexistant right now, focus on regaining my strength
my space
my creativity
my openness to others and letting them in
so I was almost in a good mood, considering…
I somehow managed to recover a little, still in a sort of limbo these days, then I received a manipulative, dismissive, humiliating email…all around the same stuff…
I felt myself breaking up in pain again, this same wound as if it never finds a way to solidify into a scar…
I felt the trigger to go back down, and destroy everything AGAIN, every progress
I wrote a letter back, but this time I did not send it (like I normally do) …and I allowed myself to be extremely nasty, mean, raw…
and somehow…(this has only taken me a lifetime mind you
I am still kind of unsure on how definitive, how stable the whole thing is
but I absolutely felt a click of liberation
of what I was writing about just yesterday
as though all of a sudden I saw how futile my whole fight for recognition was, and who the people are that will NEVER be able,
I felt a sort of freedom from this deep seated need of validation
I felt ENOUGH!!
but not even out of rage, the fury melted in the letter
not even in a maniac sort of elation
rather a calm, centered, warm fuzzy sense of…
it’s over
I am done with this
I WANT TO LIVE
and to live MY LIFE
and who I AM
I will never be able to control what they think about me, the lies, the inventions, the unfairness, the manipulation
there is nothing I can do about it
I can only, truly, sincerely just remove myself psychologically from it
I hope with all my being that there is some stability to my feeling
the next weeks will help because most of the family is leaving on holidays here and there
I went to the park, after I wrote the letter that I may not even ever reread, but that was a cathartic culmination of a lifetime of trying to free myslef
I stayed in the park for three hours or more
running, walking enjoying every moment, relaxing, no guilt
(I do have a sense of dread in coming back into the mess, but you can’t have it all, at least not in one day)
so I guess I am somehow grateful for whatever GRACE has been bestowed upon me
I would normally not even use this language but that is how it feels
and I will hope, pray, do whatever is in my power to reconnect with this feeling
of FREEDOM and EMPOWERMENT
of BEING ALIVE
thanks to all of you lovely people around here too
chaosqueen
That sounds wonderful!We can learn to deal with our feelings one insult at a time! thanks CQ! still feeling ok
not that stuff is not still churning around somewhere in the back of my mind, but that is fine, I am allowing it to settle WITHOUT the need of doing anything about it
As I am allowing other hidden deeper levels of me to sort thorough all this and anchor it, for the future
processing stuff in order to be able to act and not re-act when is needed from this hopefully new found place that is settling inside of me
I still am wondering if all of this is true, as it would mean a total shift in all that has ruined my existence all my life
but in truth I am not even wondering, I am “just” living day by day
so I had some errands to take care of today, plus the many hours in the park, washing of hair, plants to water (can take an hour)
which means I did not make much progress in the house but I did shift my attention back to it, got two loads of dishes washed and the rest will be hand washed tomorrow
set up next laundry for tomorrow
I will not have time because will be seeing another part of less problematic family, which will then be leaving as well…at least one of my nieces, the younger one, will be around tomorrow and that is a positive focal point
I do have to admit to a relapse I am having and am being (sort of?) aware of not aware enough to stop me, or maybe I just do not want to
I have been buying clothing
the triggers have been
1. the sales, which alone is huge, except I think I managed to skip last year (not 100% sure need to check) cannot remember buying anything major for a very long time
2. the weight loss that is steadily happening, making me want to celebrate
these two things so far are not harmful triggers on their own
3. the emotional reaction connected to what has happened
this has two sides to it, a positive and a negative
the negative is that I am noticing my compulsive streak, because I can be good and not buy any clothing for two years, but if I do decide to buy, it’s not going to be one
that needs to be reigned in, and there is a level of wanting to dull the pain from what happened, that I am aware is somewhere still, even if NEVER have I managed till today to SURVIVE to what happened, in the past I would have been down under for many months maybe more of depression, sabotaging most of what I am doing
the positive side which I need to find a more constructive way to channel, is wanting to live again, in many ways, which for me is also connected to the girly dresses and shoes, and wanting to get out of my hiding mode of clothing for the past….XYZ years
so I started with debating if I would even buy myself one dress, which I did, it arrived today, it’s lovely, it fits really well, which I am relieved about, but I would rather lose a bit more before actually wearing it. And when I do loose all I want to, which is gong to take a lot more time, I will have it taken in, or who knows if by then I will be able to do that myself.
Then I needed to buy a cardi in a matching colour (I use cardis daily 24/7) to go with it and some sandals…
and there I got into a little bit of trouble, because that triggered me to buy more dresses
I am feeling a bit of anxiety for two reasons
money spent
stuff IN
but in the end, I guess I will stop, breathe, acknowledge (and confess)
and all the money came out from a money gift (for my birthday not long ago, I have spent almost none of the money that I have been given in general) , in particular from the person who has hurt me most, so instead of initially saving it as I had planned, I thought I would “get rid of it” and transform it into something frivolous and nurturing my lighter, breezier side, as a sort of balancing act… That has gone as pamper money and it’s ok
and as for the stuff coming in,
I will do as with the dvds/books etc I will find equivalent x2 to go out, I only need to get to the point where stuff becomes really too large (and I do not want to alter it to fit) and/or some stuff I am just over / will not be able to fit anyway because my body has changed etc
so hopefully next week will get back on track with working on the house, even if I have to prepare my trip for the week after, when I will be helping out with some – again – family matters to solve and hoping that at least THAT side will not lead to another drama…
I am feeling all this is for the good and not by chance happening all at once
I will be travelling to a house that is the roots on one side of the family, where I spent most of the holidays as a kid when we travelled back to visit grandparents
it was hell (being the dysfunctional it is) and I have associated very negative memories to the place, that I am going to help to get sold
I have never been back in many decades, have always had nightmares about it
but in the past weeks I decided I needed that closure too, I want to recuperate the – rare – good memories, (eating ice-cream in a certain place, if it still exists, taking long bicycle trips, having a bicycle hopefully found for me to use those days, taking long walks, I would love to find the cyclamins again that I discovered as a child, but who knows. and lastly I would have loved to see a woman who is no longer alive and was a positive figure for me when going there, she brought me to see the magical tiny cyclamins in the woods…I will pay my homage to her)
I will say goodbye, give some help with the procedures
find out if there is still any vintage fabric lying around the house before they get rid of it…
:mrgreen: (most of the women on this side of the family knew how to sew wonderful tailored clothes, of course my mother doesn’t and I was too young to realise at the time)I will never go back to that place in my life after this
Hopefully this is going to be my motto from now on
going full circle and closure and many loose ends of pain and disconnect from my own soul life
never going back there again as much as I can
there will be new problems and challenges and old pain resurfacing and triggers and steps back
but I AM NEVER GOING BACK
a new life awaits
You’ve written something one post ago that for me if you’re dealing with the results of a dysfunctional upbringing/family is themost important thing to fully absorb: Quote:‘I will never be able to control what they think about me, the lies, the inventions, the unfairness, the manipulation
there is nothing I can do about it
I can only, truly, sincerely just remove myself psychologically from it’
It took me a long time to go from knowing the words were true, to truly accepting them at a deeper level.
I could actually prove some of the more exact claims about me to be totally untrue and impossible. ie I could prove I wasn’t there, I was a couple of hundred miles away, or that excessive violence was caused by others lack of temper control, not my existance.
That some so called ‘punishments’ where so exteme as to be considered torture when administered to terrorists so unlikely to truely be ‘deserved’ by a child.
or the chances of a child having access to several different typewriters and special paper highly unlikely. (never mind why they would want to type different parts of a letter on different typwriters – the ‘proof’ a supposed catastrophic letter must have been me, was I was the only person who could have accesed all of them.) That another child was then able to recognise each typwriter face and thus identify the tywriters used and through that the sender, then destroy the evidence to protect them before running to tell all, and the whole of their MH issues where created through this supposed incident… it all became so riduculous in the end, requiring so much suspension of common sense and logic that it seems unbelievable that anyone else could have accepted it as gospel, but they did and would hear no different.
For a long time I saw these sorts of things as evidence and tried to use it to change the awful views of me as the cause of so much unhappiness, contribution to and in one case direct, death. The fact there was some physical evidence that claims could be tested against, kept me in hope that one day I could be redeemed and accepted.
In the end I realised maybe the ideas and stories about me where actually
neededby others to avoid dealing with their own issues, :idea: and that’s why no amount of logic, evidence or proof would ever change anything. I couln’t change, or control them, only myself. xQuote:It took me a long time to go from knowing the words were true, to truly accepting them at a deeper level.
yes…I guess it is finally sinking in…hopefully
Quote:In the end I realised maybe the ideas and stories about me where actually needed by others to avoid dealing with their own issues,
:idea: and that’s why no amount of logic, evidence or proof would ever change anything. I couln’t change, or control them, only myself.so true
thank you for sharing bits of your experience
one of my strongest attachments/hangups is not being able to let go of straightening the injustice, clarifying situations, stating what is actually true and real
DENIAL
that seems to be the common way of life, the atmosphere that I had to breath
and in order to keep up the denial, this means a lot of other things…emotional abandonment, psychological abuse
one of the greatest lessons I keep on being confronted to is the LETTING GO
of many needs from the past
of many things from the past
of many limitations from the past
of being right
of being seen
of being heard
of being acknowledged
of being accepted, approved of
of being loved authentically for I am, for just being me, imperfect me
letting go of the fear of being myself totally and how much this can disturb others
letting go of unrealisable dreams
of the past, of memories attached to objects
letting go of limitations created from denial and lies and dysfunctional reality
certain things may be impossible because they are in the past and there is nothing I can do about it
I cannot change what has happened
I cannot force them to admit and say they are sorry or to acknowledge
I cannot redeem what has been broken and missing
but when I feel that, IN THE PAST I have mostly then gone to the extreme of thinking and feeling that all this was then forever going to be my present and my future
I realise maybe now to which extent, even if I knew differently rationally,
inside, deep inside, I felt that this was the only possible reality for me in any relationship
which is why I have then repeated painful experiences and from a certain point on avoided all together, feeling that my only survival was to be alone
I have learned to survive on my own forces, and to be stronger alone, even when I am falling apart,
and paradoxically I kept the whole poison circulating by not letting anyone else in (except some dear friends) but the damaging family
so there was no chance to live a different reality
this has just snapped in me
and I am slowly ready to open up and believe maybe one day that I can create a different story for myself
based on authenticity, truth, warmth, respect, kindness, reciprocity, understanding, patience…love
I still feel a huge fear at letting in
and I still need to create more space
inside and out
So I finally restarted doing something
in fact all these days I have been consistently throwing out/letting go of stuff (not trash) when I found it, on the spot and that has given me a little relief even though I did not track anything
Now I am going to go back to basics and so as much as possible
1. kitchen
I washed dishes, set up more of them in the washing machine and put up a laundry cycle
need to finish washing two pans that are soaking and sweep the floor
then the kitchen is ok for now
it is not (yet) a place I am comfortable having someone in, because a whole side is full of stuff on the counter top,
but it is functional and can be cleaned and it still is resisting at the basic level I am trying to bring the whole house to before going deeper
now to the
2. bathroom
bring that back to the basic level
these were the two rooms I had sort of conquered,
ok swept kitchen and bathroom floor
bathroom decluttered in quick mode, some throwing out of trash + obvious, no thorough decluttering now, this is just SOS mode of extreme chaos
so I am aiming at having less mess in spite of still too much stuff
cleaned bathroom how do you call them losing my english sink/bidet/wc/bathtub those
quickly
no mopping floors today, too much mess all around
so
1. kitchen ok (except for 2 pans soaking)
2. bathroom ok
made my bed which I usually ALWAYS ALWAYS make, and this week have not
I also have been sleeping in these past months, whenever possible, allowing myself more hours of sleep, which I HAVE NEVER done
also after having read on one of the books about adrenal fatigue that the best sleep for the adrenals when KO is in the morning
but now I feel that I want to go back to my early rise, so that I can keep my park addiction and still have more time left
also if I go running/walking early in the morning it’s not as hot
will try to see if tomorrow able to get up and start
ok so now will focus on the entryway, which is still full of stuff already sorted and on the go, and will not be able to do that this week
I need to go down to the basement to bring boxes
and pick up the fan….might as well do that now uggh
went down to basement and that cleared a little brought up fan (it is SOOOO hot here, and no air conditioning)
going up and down many times was also great for more steps
:mrgreen: I am really finding that moving so much again – just like every time I get back into taking care of myself – makes a HUGE impact on my wellbeing
and it is incredible how much I know this yet it is so difficult to get back into it when I stop for some reason
I need to anchor this feeling as well, feeling my body stronger, less pain, less aches, more energy,
I also feel it is getting tighter and more toned, I feel better wearing short sleeves again, at least for sports and everyday more casual wear
have been clearing in entryway and living -room at the same time
still more to do need a break
the living-room is better, the entryway is not
put on a face mask, will do my nails (which I mostly never do, because of the overwhelm and what’s the point attitude, but these days have been putting some very natural nail polish on and it makes me smile)
have also been repairing minor snags on knits in the past days, need to be creative with a cardi that I did not repair well, will look into my beads if I can do something vintagy cute
yesterday I somehow managed to clear most stuff that had creeped its way in the living room, so the floor is clear again (except for a stack of boxes, and two bags that need to be brought to my mother) the clear table is of course is a clutter magnet, I cleared it again
and not am using it to put the clothes I need to iron
I tried fixing the cardi with sparkly beads but do not like it, need to find another solution
I shortened the hem on a linen skirt I have had forever that was looking dowdy, I did it by hand because it’s complicated to get my sewing machine, which I hid away in the bedroom while I was not living here. I want to wait until I come back from the trip to put it out on its designated place
I still need to do a pretty topstitching on it but I can already wear it (and see if I like the length)
I would say the living is now still encumbered/stuff but into a “normal/messy” range
still embarrassing but not “please floor open up and make me disappear” embarrassing
managed to go to the park very early, actually I was awake at 4:40 and had to wait for a decent hour to be in a huge park…
I did stay there for 90min mostly running and it was fabulous, only runners and dog owners, birds chirping and it was not too hot
and I still have the whole day ahead
when I don’t have appointments in the morning I am going to try and stick to this
I guess today would make sense to work on the entryway, (uggh)
I also need to iron
and to prepare my luggage
I also have a work appointment
it is incredible how even just a little less mess has such a huge impact on anxiety and overwhelm
this past week I had let everything just scatter everywhere
and just taking a few hours yesterday of a minimum sos from the chaos has helped a lot
of course still loads to do, did not even try in the bedroom
today in spite of early rise, run and house better I am feeling discouraged and lonely
and I am also stating this here, because everything seems to be intertwined with clutter
I love being at the park especially because of the contact with nature and silence, also because I get away from the oppression of the house
but also because I see people, which is new, I would try to avoid as much as possible before and hide away, I still avoid the fuller moments if possibile
but now it feels double sided, to be among people, because I sort of feel even more lonely, seeing everybody busy, walking their dogs, or running
and I probably look the same way, running…as if I had a life to come back to
I have even started not always listening to music and not always putting my dark shades on
I used to ONLY go out with dark sunglasses and music, that for me were Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak
I always think that my dark sunglasses have the power to protect me and hide me
now I am trying to let myself be more exposed, and it’s not that easy, people look at me in the eyes, before I was hiding
and I have felt this in the past too, that when there starts to be a little more breathing space in the house (just a little) and possibilities, I start to feel another kind of anxiety
not sure if I know how to pinpoint this because I am extremely unhappy anxious and lonely with all this clutter
but once it is all gone and I have time to live
…
I will as always be confronted with the fact that this aloneness seems endless
as much as I love my friends, who are often busy or not in the same city
it’s not the same
I am just, once again, feeling more vulnerable, more raw in feeling the space of loneliness that all the stuff I accumulate has the function to mask
I do not want to unravel all the clearing, so much still needs to be done
but again I wonder
what for?
what am I doing this for?
why am I clearing? for whom? for what?
I know I am the answer, but I never feel like I am enough…
You are clearing for yourself. So you have the energy to deal with this deeper level of anxiety and to work through it and emerge from it stronger and happier for having faced it! you are right CQ, and I know that…I just wish there were more exciting reasons… :roll: so…the good thing is that even if I suddenly felt low and down since Sunday mostly, and even though I keep on feeling the mood swings,
I am not going “INTO” them, as in not “buying” them competely
not going in as deep
and I am taking a step back from over-identifying with what I tend to feel very intensely, (and catastrophically, which is connected to the depressive outlook) and taking care of me,
I have been having – still am – to learn this because I in this sense I have had no mothering around needs and empathy and etc
and part of this whole issue of hoard and mess and depression is taking care of myself, even if I still battle with me being worth it
so I know I was feeling worse because still a hard time sleeping even with the very low dosage of sleeping stuff, it’s been 10 days now,
it does relax me a little, I can feel more relaxed, and it does not make me feel bad during the day, but it does not really make me sleep
will see the doc again tomorrow and ask him about that
I slept only a few hours on Saturday and woke up at before 5 am
and the clutter as usual overwhelms me
even more the fact that counting this one, there are 7 weeks before September
in which as usual, I will be alone in the city, tackling my demons
and every time there is something, a birthday, a celebration, some sort of marking point (like when everybody goes on holiday etc) I feel I am a failure and I feel isolation, and every time
I swear this is the last time…
and here I am again
and I feel the pressure to change things
because I REALLY WANT TO have more time, and energy, and mental clarity and peace and security to tackle ways to uplift my work/finance situation
to nurture my creativity, and rekindle my friendships, the ones I have let go astray because I just cannot bear to be real, and because I cannot expect everyone to understand and be empathic, but still I would like to see again every now and then, possibly inviting them over in autumn for dinners at home
possibly hosting a bookclub again like I once used to do
and many other things
so I feel the possibility of this summer still ahead of me, to clear a lot of obstacles
to continue to focus on my health, on my weight and energy
on my house, in a its imperfection being my home at least for the present, but being a real home and not my prison
I guess I need to rekindle my energy to be able to go through yet another summer,
in solitude and focus
I need a project mentality, a goal,
yet I am still afraid to commit
can I do this?
can I really make this house finally free so that I can focus on the rest?
even if it will still be too full, I need it to be “normal” full,
I need to be able to focus on my resume, on sewing, on pursuing other things
on cooking a dinner for friends,
on being tranquil if someone rings the bell
I need to save the poor plants in my yard that I cannot keep up with and make the garden pretty again even better than I somehow managed at one point
I do not want to spend all of my time in the midst of clutter and/or punishing myself because I am not doing it
so having said that,
I went to the park this morning and that helped me totally reshift my focus and mood and energy (even though I do get tired because I am pushing myself physically daily)
now I feel overwhelm, so I will start, as I do when I am paralysed, with what I know
I know I need to wash dishes and clean sink
I know I need to pick out clean and ironed clothes for tomorrow appointment doctor
I know I need to pack at some point and I hate packing so I will do that as well
and from then will see
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