starting over

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Have seen a couple posts of yours on other threads, bluesyjay, and you sound like you’re in a better place Hope you’re feeling stronger and are on the mend. One step at a time

[bluesyjayParticipant]

Hi StS, thanks for stopping by

I am not really any better, if not the bare minimum of my usual survival mode

I think I am doing what I am used to doing

and am trying to be aware about it

feeling at a minimum and from there just forcing myself to get back on things

I went to visit my friend and we talked (and I cried) a lot

one of the things she told me was that I cannot go on living like I am living and that anything I do can never possibly be worse than now

I always recharge the bare minimum to be in survival mode

and “everyone” feels somehow relieved, but I never get past that, so I am always in survival mode, in stress mode

and never truly living, only getting by with the minimum charge

in this survival mode I have no energy to change things really only to keep pieces together

I am not communicating with almost anybody of the family anymore and it is extremely painful

still I am totally lost and confused about how to change things in my life really and that makes me feel bad

I spent all of Sunday in bed without the strength to get up, but I allowed myself to do it

yesterday I had to work and I also cleaned the kitchen and gave water to all the plants, which took me hours and hours

today I am again drained and can hardly stand up

I am trying to figure out what I can do,

I would like to manage to clean the bathroom today and to clear as much as possible a pathway in the living area to access the yard

will maybe post any possible progress

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Maybe dump some responsibility? I understand you want to keep the flowers alive. I understand it was a lot of work to get them there. I also remember how much work it was to get he dead ones down from the balcony and places high up. Do you really want to spend hours every week watering plants? So things look nice for the neighbors? How much time to you work on those plants and how much time do you take to enjoy them? I am just using them as an example. If they give you joy. Keep them. If all they give you is work you might want to rethink your options.

I’ve had ice cream for breakfast and potato chips for lunch. Why on earth am I not losing weight? I even had 2 bars of ice cream and went all the way to the basement for it. I also wore work out clothes and considered exercising for at least half an hour. And still no weight loss.

I know what I am doing will not work. I want to lose 70 lbs but have no desire to do what it takes for it. So Instead of getting at myself about how I lack dicipline I have acknowledged the fact that I am not willing to spent time of energy on that matter currently. I focus on the things I am willing to do. You can’t do it all. You have work, too much stuff, a family situation that is stressful for you and many other things going on. I am learning to throw out my expectations for my family, my house, my career, my children’s progress. I am learning to celebrate what I have, work for what I want and do without the things that don’t work. The house is still a mess, I am still fat and the children are not yet rocket scientists, but I am happier and more content with my life. Amidst the mess, the failures and the demands from outside.

I don’t know who said it, but I loved it. “You can start a diet in the middle of a bag of chips.” For myself I decided that means no matter where you are, you can stop what doesn’t work and do something else. Forget the end result forget the big picture. I might not lose 70 lbs by eating something healthier for one meal, but it is 1 small step and it will help me change in the long run. Same is true for the hoard and my possessions and even my state of mind. I would say I am a lot more positive then I was 2 years ago. And I have every intention of keeping it this way.

[bluesyjayParticipant]

thanks CQ

it makes sense

I feel I have nothing to center on, I hate my life, and cannot believe it ended up this way

I do not take care of the plants for the neighbours, except when I had to take care of stuff and was the total wrong timing,

I am planning to install a drip irrigation system and went so far as to buy it but I am always too exhausted to get to it, because the whole thing needs a ladder and has to be installed at almost three meters of height

I would love to have a lovely garden, but have fallen out of love and energy for anything here and now…

I am exhausted and depressed I have been working on and off on emptying the tiny cramped bathroom in order to clean it

it never feels really clean no matter what I do because it is old..

I also had to fix the toilet seat that had already been fixed by someone I paid previously (he was doing other things so I asked him to install a new one)

he did it badly and it took me months to find a replacement thing and it is yet another tricky thing to install

I also worked on a tiny space in the living room, reorg stuff

the bathroom is still not done, I feel like I am unable to accomplish most anything

I had very bad news, I had been thinking about a family friend for weeks, wanting to call her, and imagining to go visit her,

I had visited one and a half years ago, I had always known her but she was not technically my friend, but in the last visit we had a lovely time and I felt a lot of affection for her and called her sometimes…

she was not answering, she lives abroad and alone and is elderly so it is not always as easy to phone, I was getting more and more worried, I knew something was wrong

last night I found through the internet a number of a family member of hers I met last time I visited

I was not the one to call in the end because I was working last night

only today I was told she is dead, in the most superficial clumsy way…after one minute, on the phone I was told by a family member and was processing the information, that I had somehow felt in these weeks, the person tells me “well, life needs to move on”…I promptly hung up…

she let herself die out of loneliness and depression…

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

bluesyjay, I’m so sorry to hear of your friend’s passing Having visited my 83-yr-old mother last month and witnessing how active she keeps herself — how she has created SO many supportive social networks — I was reminded how important it is for me to do myself.

A friend of mine is moving out of state next week. I’ll miss her like nobody’s business, but I’m incredibly proud of her for taking this big step in search of happiness. A week-and-a-half ago she was flying out to visit her parents. These days, not many people seem to offer rides to / from the airport. “Just take an Uber” is the more common response.

Well, I decided to offer her a ride to the airport. Not out of obligation — but because I wanted to. I’ve been wanting to take her to dinner before she leaves town, but she was so busy with packing that she didn’t have time. So I looked at this as an opportunity to spend time with her and catch up, as well as show her how much I appreciate all she’s done for me.

I sincerely enjoyed picking her up and driving to the airport, and she told me how nice it was for her Human connection is so vital.

chaosqueen wrote:

“You can start a diet in the middle of a bag of chips.”

CQ, I freaking LOVE this :!: A great reminder that we can choose to improve ourselves at any point in time. It’s easy to become frustrated and disappointed that I’m not “THERE” yet. But I remind myself “All that matters is that I’m I little better today than I was yesterday.”

Just watched (well, more like listened) to these 2 videos based on theories of Carl Jung. Man, they were powerful :shock: I’ve not read Jung before, but he was ahead of his time.

Carl Jung and the Value of Anxiety Disorders (That’s right… VALUE!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBAFPbypyn4&t=211s” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBAFPbypyn4&t=211s

Carl Jung on Overcoming Anxiety Disorders

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CP1YOeNnZac” class=”bbcode_url”>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CP1YOeNnZac

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Sorry about your friend Bluesyjay. That must have been a nasty shock. How about to honor her, you find a happy moment today? Maybe in the park? Remembering that good talk you had and what you took from it?

I have a suggestion on what to center on. At least for the moment. I think it was Viktor Frankl who said that man doesn’t search for happiness, but for meaning in life. What is your purpose in life? I felt really down yesterday. I have lost my vision. I just saw all the areas I feel I fall short in. Today is a little better. I have a purpose in life. I still have dreams and things I want to do. Some will require a lot of work, some will happen on their own eventually and some things will just take a brave heart and a first step and I could have them now. What is your purpose? Not what you want, what is it that drives you on your good days?

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

chaosqueen wrote:

How about to honor her, you find a happy moment today? Maybe in the park? Remembering that good talk you had and what you took from it?

This is a lovely thought!

My father’s birthday is this week. Can’t believe it’s going on 3 yrs since he passed I’m going to write him a letter and set it aflame to “send” it to him.

bluesyjay, perhaps you could write your friend a letter, especially since you had been thinking about her.

[bluesyjayParticipant]

Hello ladies,

it’s nice to read you, your thoughts, your moments of meaning and connection…thank you for sharing

I just feel that as much as it all makes so much sense,

I am burnt out by trying so hard for so long forever

and being worse than before and nothing to show for it

all my life has revolved around the seek for meaning – I love Frankl

yet at this point it all seems to have been lost and/or an illusion

I would have never imagined to find myself how and where I am today

until a few years ago, in spite of battling my depression since I was a kid, I had always thought at some point I would heal, overcome, be able to live my life

in these past years I have been losing more and more hope

feeling more and more exhaustion

each time getting up is harder

doing the same things yet again with no progress in sight

yesterday I had carved out a day to work on the house but I got sidetracked by external things I could not control

today I theoretically had the morning but yesterday has exhausted me and confused me more so I am feeling unable to move

I managed to water the plants – fast version and my legs are completely red and swollen by the “tiger” mosquitoes (that ‘s what they call them here) that are active in day time…(that is yet another failure to debug have tried many ways, the yard is just so humid they always come back in force, in spite of all the stuff I put)

going to try to see if I can find some focus to do anything

I did manage to clean the bathroom the other day

but the kitchen is looking a but messier today

it just feels exhausting by the time I am done maintaining I have no energy for real progress

I will think about taking some time and writing to my friend

it really struck me, how lively and fun loving and alive she was, when I had last visited her I saw clearly she was depressed because of her loneliness but also that when we went out to do things she really enjoyed them, was laughing a lot and kept telling me she wish she had someone to do things with, but her (also elderly) girlfriends all had other things to do and never had time…

she had a minor operation a few months ago and then literally let herself die without eating…

this is so sad…

and the way I am feeling every day I can so relate to what she must have been feeling

I do feel a lack of purpose, of vision, of meaning…

which is probably what sucks out the energy out of every task

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Maybe it is trying so hard that drains your energy? I have tried zero expectation days. All I have to do is breath, the rest is bonus. Having no expectations for yourself really makes life easier. I know. You can’t do this every day, but on my hard days I declare them zero expectation days. Anything beyond absolute necessities isa bonus and praiseworthy. Maybe this can work for you, too?

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

bluesyjay wrote:

doing the same things yet again with no progress in sight

An early therapist used to remind me of the Einstein quote, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” Maybe try one of CQ’s ‘zero expectation days?’

Expectation = Attachment = Suffering

When things don’t turn out the way we expect, we get disappointed. We criticize ourselves. We suffer.

bluesyjay wrote:

feel I have nothing to center on, I hate my life, and cannot believe it ended up this way

bluesyjay, you wrote beautiful encouragement on CQ’s thread:

Quote:

taking loving care of YOU

and you totally deserve it…everything…all the time and care and love you can allow yourself to give yourself

wishing you positive steps forward

Can you encourage yourself in the same way? Center on yourself because you deserve it, too

[bluesyjayParticipant]

thank you ladies, it helps to read you, to know you are around

CQ

yes it probably is but what happens if I give up trying…I often get into such a panic it is already too late to “save myself”

I did try no expectation days when I am soo down exhausted low, and it helps

I had one such day just Sunday, I could not even stand up so i just stayed in bed, slept, read, watched a movie

but it is very difficult to be able to have such days

life does not allow the pause button

now I can allow myself once in a while, which in the past I could not

I was too afraid I would never get back to doing anything

but I guess I know that some sort of something shifts at some point

StS

I know that quote well…

but some things we can only repeat as they are part of the matrix of life

Tony Robbins says “Repetition is the mother of skill”

I guess I just loathe repetition, which is necessary for maintenance, for practising a skill, for nurturing a plant etc…

it just feels so different for oneself…I wonder why

still long way to go with self love and self care…

[bluesyjayParticipant]

I think I would rather post more shorter ones that one endless one

I was told yesterday about a true story, of which a documentary/ film was made on

two guys went to climb a mountain in the Andes, one of them got badly hurt, broke his leg, unable to move

it was full of snow….certain death, the other guy left him (uggh!) because there was no point in both of them dying there and there was no way to come back to him because it was sure he was going to die and he was in the middle of the snow in the middle of nowhere in the mountains

so the one with the broken leg, nothing to eat or drink (he managed with the snow) sick, about to die, tells himself he is going to move forward for 30mins a certain number of meters…he uses the pickaxe they use for climbing to slide himself forward, using his arms, with immense pain and effort

he keeps going for days…ever so slowly…but he keeps going…

until he finds himself, sure he is going to die, exhausted, at night in some place

he is out of the tent where the other guy is!

in the end he loses his leg but survives…

sheer will…determination

I did not directly read/see the story so this is what I grasped from how it was told to me yesterday,

it deeply struck me

yet…

whenever I hear these stories, that are so inspiring, I just wonder

I feel I do not have that stamina, that endurance

maybe that instinct to survive

I also think…and this may be a more interesting twist (of my thoughts) that when we are faced with a life threatening situation, we find resources we never imagined

and I realise that even if may not seem so on the outside – and it absolutely is nowhere as dramatic, exotic or adventurous – my life is threatened deeply

as I have not been truly living for so long

the other day my friend told me this in another way

you cannot go on like this, you do not have a choice

this is not a choice,

I need to consider my situation just like the guy in the snow in the middle of nowhere

chipping away a few meters a day to save his life….

hope this inspires someone…

[chaosqueenParticipant]

Obviously you have lots of will to endure or you would have given up a long time ago. You are that guy, and you are somewhere in the middle of your journey!

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

bluesyjay wrote:

yet…

whenever I hear these stories, that are so inspiring, I just wonder

I feel I do not have that stamina, that endurance

maybe that instinct to survive

Start telling yourself, “I am motivated. I do have stamina.” “I can endure….” I totally get how it feels as if you’re telling yourself a lie. That’s how it felt for me for years.

But telling yourself, “I don’t think I have that stamina or endurance or even the instinct to survive,” will only make that more so in your mind. “Fake it till you make it!”

bluesyjay wrote:

I know that quote well…

but some things we can only repeat as they are part of the matrix of life

Tony Robbins says “Repetition is the mother of skill”

I guess I just loathe repetition, which is necessary for maintenance, for practising a skill, for nurturing a plant etc…

Apologies if the “insanity quote” context wasn’t clear. I meant it in the context of when we keep trying the same approach which gives us the same, less-than-desirable result… but we keep hoping “it’ll be different this time.”

In my case, I kept trying to deal with my hoarding issues from the outside –> in. I would “force” myself to declutter. Force myself to discard things — when deep down I didn’t want to. Force myself to push through those negative emotions and tears. Sure, I got rid of those few items — but my mindset didn’t change. Letting go of things didn’t feel any easier; I didn’t become desensitized to the painful feelings through repetition.

So I decided to change my approach, and now I’m working from the inside –> out. I’m addressing the negative emotions that hold me back from letting things go. This has been for about 8 months. During this time, not much physical clutter has left my house. But I told myself, “That’s OK. Don’t worry about the physical clutter right now. You’re taking a different approach, doing work on another much needed aspect — your mindset.”

Agree with the Tony Robbins quote about repetition being the mother of skill when it comes to practicing a healthy, productive habit.

bluesyjay wrote:

it just feels so different for oneself…I wonder why

still long way to go with self love and self care…

Like, if loving and caring for yourself is so much harder than doing so for others — practice the healthy, productive habits of self love and self care. Follow Tony Robbins’s advice for this facet and repeat self love and self care until you become skillful at it

[bluesyjayParticipant]

Today is another gruesome day in which anything seems impossible and worthless

I cannot seem to get to some sort of stable place inside me where I can just keep going and not feel the intense dread

I know that what is digging inside in pain is mostly family related

I have totally disappeared since my birthday more than 2 weeks ago and no-one even cares

it’s like I am already dead and they moved on

except for my mother who has her own huge issues and is in total denial about my situation, especially my emotional one

and with whom I am more or less in contact with,

nobody else has made an effort to reach me,

I cut myself off mostly because I just cannot bear the toll of having to fake it yet again and again

which I have always done

putting all my energy into just being around for all of them, without ever having been asked, so what’s with your life, how are you or just plain be with me really

I am always part of the public and that is it

and this time I just quit

and I am very sad because I will not see my nieces, especially the older one, but I cannot take all the circus

they now live in another continent, so I have no idea when (and if at this point) I shall see them again

so I did this for protection

because I simply have nothing left in me to just go out there and be smiley playful give full attention to all

but I was probably secretly hoping they would finally get it, that something is really not well

(plus my mother obviously knows, but she is in denial and it is so inappropriate to address these things and disrupt anything)

I was hoping that, even if it is too late inside of me, there would be an acknowledgement

nothing

zero

desert

like the desert I have been living in

the point is to get to the place where I have no more hope and expectation in me about these people that are supposedly my family

I do not believe these shows or situations where people are in shock at the condition in which a member of their family lives/ is feeling, surviving

be it hoarding or anything else

it is just a form of denial and neglect

and part of the issue

no caring, no love, no interest

I need to find the way to make a dent today again in the whole, but for now it has been a humungous effort to get out of bed

I already had three coffees (so much for cutting back on that, cannot do that now) and still feel KO

for now just letting myself be

[Author]

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