starting over

[bluesyjayParticipant]

as for today

I somehow managed to get the extreme basics done

kitchen and bathroom are clean, not as I would want them to be, pretty and organised, but clean and functional and not a dumpster,

too cluttered, too full but clean and functional

luggage emptied

passage to outdoors cleared (still a pile of books on the floor but I need to do something with them first)

one load of laundry washed and drying on the rack in the kitchen

trash out and dinner bought so I do not need to cook

still no groceries but ok

I took many breaks, did some reading and some journaling

feeling a little better than past days energetically and a little better than before

next days my friend should be around so I will be beat but it will be worth it

the program is garden first than basement (it is a tiny room and of course full, it used to be super organised with bins and labels…now not that much)

I made a little drawing of a bookshelf for my book journal, because I enjoy trying to jot down things about the books I read, but am on and off on that too

it is however an activity that even with my on and off nature I have been doing for I guess around 30 years…I need to find all my book journals!

so I made this very primitive drawing – cannot draw – just to colour in the books I have been reading now

and since the first shelf has (randomly) 15 books and I have read 4 so far, I have decided I will not allow myself to buy another until I read 15 books

I wonder if that is too ambitious but I will try

it includes the ebooks even if they do not take physical space…I have to slow down with my book-bulimia even if I usually do read them at some point, I have far too many and there are so many I really want to read if I stop distracting myself with others…

since I will not be able to sleep as I wish tomorrow morning (which is never a lot, I just cannot manage to stay in bed a lot, I get nervous)

I will go to bed even earlier, I sense that the sleep cure is helping (which is probably what a person with healthy sleeping patterns would sleep, but for me is totally new)

I am super sleep deprived in forever so maybe I am on to something

I always think I cannot allow myself to sleep a lot because my life needs to be fixed

I am going to sleep sleep sleep as much as I can all summer!!!!!

until I get to a healthy sleep pattern

[chaosqueenParticipant]

How did I do it? Well, different approaches. Rules like you can have x of this item. anything extra has to go. Or things that I simply don’t use. They may appear useful. But they are not. And having to handle them actually turns them into a burden, even if they have potential use in them. No more potential use. Only real use. Clothes. Don’t like it? Bye bye, could be turned into something else? Right. Not. Bye bye. Books. Read them? Bye bye (except for a chosen few I think I will reread). Broken? Bye bye. Does it benefit my life right now? No? Byebye. It’s hard. I must admit. It gets a lot easier. It takes practice. A lot. But I have plenty of time to practice. I also decided that decluttering is for good days. On bad days it is a waste of time and emotional energy. I don’t get anywhere and above all not getting anywhere will frustrate me more. I also admit that I probably only throw out a third of what should go that I come across but that beats the 1-3 % rate I had before

[bluesyjayParticipant]

yes, it is hard…so hard

and there really is no magic trick unfortunately

I keep feeling this thing that it is unfair I have not been able to use this and that because of depression and guilt (and too long to write the whole Spiel again) so it just cycles

I am going to focus more and more on the self care aspect – while I am still doing my best to actively change the situation

but now my main focus – hopefully – will be (not the first time I tried but it seems like the only way) to really do all I can to put myself in the situation to really be able to enjoy certain things, so that I can really experience if they are still making sense

for example books,

I am (once again, I think the “once again” is the hard part) going to really really focus on reading the stuff I already have which I do get a thrill out of when I see them but then get sidetracked /overwhelmed

the garden

I am working on that now, so I am going to focus, also in line with the season on making it enjoyable asap so I can really enjoy the gardening part that I love, and maybe have a little space in which I can start doing some things I have no space for inside

working like crazy all morning with my friend, we had issues with setting up the thing because the wall is so tough

had to buy another tool

like why should things go smoothly when they can be difficult right? :lol:

that took a lot of time…

I cleared up and took care of plants creating the space for him to set up the water tube, still most of it to be done because of the difficulty managing to start…

I then took care of other stuff in the afternoon non related to the house, and now am really beat so I think it is best to stop for the day, relax, read, and go to bed early…still working on my sleep cure, and since I am waking up early I need to go to bed earlier

today I was working an hour before he came with the plants

I realise that if the house was not a mess it would be enjoyable despite the heat and fatigue

he is coming back tomorrow, and the day after that, in the mornings

in the afternoons, hopefully tomorrow I will try to continue working on the garden on things I need to figure out by myself

he wants to fix the stuff not working in the bathroom too but that seems like such another gruesome task…

I feel guilty

it is hot, it is summer, and he is toiling around with my mess…

I am so not used to having any help, but it is true that one of the reasons I am always so exhausted is that I often do crazy things on my own

I have such a hard time receiving, also because there is not much I can do for him in return, other then inviting him out for breakfast in a nearby café

and giving him a gift at some point that I need to figure out with my mother what would be the best thing

and this difficulty of receiving is so related to the hoarding

one step at a time I guess

gosh I am beat!!!! but in a different way, much more satisfied at doing something constructive at least, even though for now nothing has yet really changed

[bluesyjayParticipant]

I was avoiding writing because I just keep feeling worse and was hoping this would uplift but it has not (yet?)

I am not sure if this is due to me being so exhausted

I have noticed so many times how I crash physically so low and that makes me spiral downward with the depression

It just feels too much to be feeling this rundown and this depressed every time I make an effort, I have always been a dynamic and active person, so it must not only be a matter of doing too much…ok it is about 33-36°C but that is not it, I was used to taking very long walks in gruelling heat…

anyway it has been an exhausting week, and yet again, not much to show for it, the house is worse because there has been no time and energy to do anything inside, I am also falling back on the maintenance

I have worked in the garden with my friend the first three days, worked at my work on Thursday, yesterday took the long bus trip all the way to the home depot (it can take almost an hour with the bust to get there, and another to get back, waiting at the bus stop in the sun etc…)

also I have to notice that as much as I am grateful for my friend coming over, it has been a major stressor,

first of all I forced myself to work for many hours that were probably too much for me, waking up at 6am and ploughing through until lunch

but I wanted to make the most of the time he had

then it has been stressful just having someone inside

then he has been throwing stuff without asking/telling

and he has broken stuff (sigh)

and maybe the most stressful is that he will not listen and wants to decide things on his own terms, and since I am avoiding discussions because he is helping me I just let it go but he has broken stuff and made some messes because he just wanted to do things his way

so once again I feel the inner conflict has been super stressful, between really wanting to accept help and being grateful for it, and knowing this means adapting, but also having to discuss / accept things that I do not agree on…

some of which I will have do undo/redo

on top of that so much effort time exhaustion and not seeing much yet

and the inside, which is the real deal is worse

I am trying to focus on the positive, even though the water irrigation system is still not even halfway there and there are issues I need to solve, it is a bit better and hopefully some things have been put in place that I can continue from

if I manage to find the energy to complete this I will at least have one less huge problem of not having my plants die from heat / not having to tackle a huge time consuming and energy consuming thing

but one thing that is clear is that he cannot help me with the inside, he is too impatient and wanting to control so I cannot trust him unfortunately

he already threw out some furniture in the past once that he helped me with a move, so I have been very much hesitant to accept this help

it has been a huge help so far in spite of the stress,

but next week we were supposed to continue and I just cannot do it

the stress outweighs the pros so far…

I am feeling much worse because I cannot seem to find any solution to feel any better

the only thing I can manage to do is read

I am in intense anxiety that yet another summer will go by as usual and I cannot live like this any longer

and I am so confused as to how much effort I put into things and never see any real progress

[chaosqueenParticipant]

I think it is perfectly okay to only have him help outside only. Your house, you decide who helps where. Once the irrigation system is in please hopefully you will feel the benefits!

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

bluesyjay wrote:

I am so confused as to how much effort I put into things and never see any real progress

Could it be that you’re focusing your attention on all that remains to be done? My mind will default to focusing on the work that remains because I want it all done yesterday So I have to consciously remind myself to look at what I have accomplished.

If you consciously look at the areas you and your friend have been working on… can you see any progress?

[ShedTheShameParticipant]

Hope your garden’s coming along, bluesyjay

I haven’t been terribly productive lately. So today I asked myself, “How about washing ONE item that’s in need of handwashing?” OK. I can handle that.

Which led to handwashing another item…

… and then a third

May not be as much as I wanted to accomplish. But it was 3 things beyond what I had accomplished so far all day :lol:

“Progress, not perfection.”

[bluesyjayParticipant]

thank you Shedtheshame

I guess progress never seems to be enough, because it is always too small compared to all that needs to be done

which is neverending

but again, the worst is that I have done this so many times already only to fall back worse, and I just do not trust myself anymore to be better this time around

also things just feel less and less manageable

I feel more and more overwhelmed

exhausted

depressed

there has been a major heatwave so the garden work has been on a halt, even though it is suffocating in the house as well

no air conditioning here

I have been very much depressed

but also have not stopped working every day on something in spite of the despair the no to low energy the crying and anger at myself

and feeling trapped by my own hands

[bluesyjayParticipant]

updates of little progress and future plans so far

I have done a little in the garden in a small spot I got the right measurements and ordered a sturdy plastic shelving unit to hide in the back of the huge Hydrangea, between the plant and the wall, to store all the empty plastic planters (the nice ones, have been finally throwing out the ones from the garden centre, most of them).

There are more planters that are made of heavy material, cannot remember what it is called in English, some kind of clay thing, not ceramic…

I also bought a nice planter, some soil and other bits for a plant I need to repot, but for now I am waiting to see if she is happy in the new spot, because it is a huge planter and I will not be able to move her around after, so checking her out before doing the job

Then I have been doing little bits in the basement room, throwing out empty cardboard boxes from things I have had for years, and other things, making some space, bringing down things from the house there. taking measurements and searching for more sturdy shelving units to install there, but everything is very expensive, and/or transportation issues, and or measurements still not sure how to organise it

Plus it is filthy because the window has been missing and now there is nobody around because major holiday season

So my plan is to clean up and empty the side I have shelvings, and fix them on the wall (they are not installed to the wall now) so I can make it higher and more secure, and keep working on clearing that.

Except that is yet another huge job, two days ago I went to buy a polestick thing to be able to clean the ceiling as best as possible

Finally I have been working my way in the house, not much progress to be seen

Maintenance of kitchen and bathroom

still too much stuff and the bathroom has a broken thing that needs to be fixed

but they are both clean and usable

working on the entrance way which remains a dumping ground for things going somewhere else, but trying to keep chipping at it

made a tiny dent in the bedroom, the worst room, did not change much but started making a plan

here and there working on areas

feeling really depressed

had a major meltdown yesterday

I cannot believe this is my non life and of my own creation

very hard to access self love in this state

and I am not well physically

one major goal in September will be to find a doctor and no clue how to go about that and where to find

[NanaParticipant]

I suspect you are having problems as you are working in too many areas rather than focusing on just one and making a real change there.

Pick one spot and concentrate on making it as good as it can be got. Even if it is one shelf, one corner of a room – clear it off or out, clean, sort and reorder it to your satisfaction. It can be very therapeutic to succeed even in just that one place

[Author]

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