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bluesyjay
it took me all day to shift from a place of growing and familiar despair to feeling depressed and tired in “everyday survival mode” I was hoping / planning / supposed to keep chipping away at the living room
the plan is that on Monday a friend is coming to help me and I am terrified
I have accepted out of sheer despair because I realise something has got to drastically change really be different
but we had agreed to start with the yard, setting up the water drip irrigation system which I have bought but have not had the stamina to set up yet
in order to access the yard he has to go through the entrance, living and he will surely have to use the bathroom at one point
I am managing to keep the bathroom clean
the kitchen is messy but not the worst it has ever been, and it depends on how well I keep up with the dishes etc. just one cooked meal makes a mess
but today I just cannot go forward
I managed to fold some clothes for 15 min with the timer
I managed to find my summer clothes, the lounge/sloppy/comfort ones, which I desperately was needing to hang around in the house and to work in the yard
the other side of not being able to find my clothes neatly tucked away but I could not access them and the bed is still covered in stuff as I write
is that I was forced to wear dresses these past days…not every day but a major progress i was forced into
as something I always wanted to do (which is why I have many dresses) but never felt at ease doing…and in fact it is so much more comfortable than wearing my usual uniform of some kind of pants/jeans and a top…in the heat at least
I managed to wash my hair, which has become an ordeal when depressed
I managed to cook a meal for lunch
I spoke to a friend on the phone
I am accepting that this is what is possible today
the real pain is elsewhere and I managed to shift from that pain when I moved mentally away form my family dynamics that drown me in quicksand
and into my own personal interests. I listened to music
I found a movie I may want to see later unless I continue reading
I am – very slowly – focusing on one thing that I know to be unhelpful in my ways, the non completion sidetracked run around do a thousand things together
so for now my first focus will be connected to reading
one book at a time
just one before I start another one
it will be a challenge, but I am sure this can be a way to build muscles to do the same in other areas
I finished a great book that I was given on my birthday from a friend.
“You are what you imagine” by Dina Gloubermanit is about drastically changing one’s life through the power of imagination (not only visualisation but a more rounded sensory imagery)
it is extremely rich of tools and very well done
now the challenge, after reading through it all is to put it into use
THAT is a challenge
a few (from many) gems from the book
a taoist quote
“There is so much to do, there is so little time. We must go slowly.”
She writes of how Gandhi used to walk one hour every day, but when he was too busy he would walk two hours.
in the monastery and retreats of vietnamese buddhist zen master Thich Nhat Hanh, there is a bell/chime/gong that rings every quarter of an hour, every time everyone, including Thay even in the middle of giving a talk, stop whatever they are doing and breathe three times
” I am happy because I am breathing”
(there are apps that can be set up with a similar chime to remember this, I tried once something similar with my own alarm clock on the phone but that got messy)
“Your joy is a guide to bringing more of what you love into your life.
Your sense of challenge and accomplishment is a guide to what could expand you.
Your sense of wellbeing is a guide to what nourishes you.
at this moment not able to feel much joy,
but the challenge I have mentioned in focusing on focusing and completion I have always been deeply aware can be extremely powerful
the wellbeing, not much, yet there are moments…reading books like this, watching a movie, last night through a movie I found out about some musicians (one of their songs was in the movie) and listened to some of their songs and that made me feel alive
each time I go to the bathroom, there is a tiny space that gives me a sense of wellbeing, at the window I have placed many plants a bit all around the space, hanging, dwelling here and there. It gives me an image of how I would like my whole house to be, not necessarily through plants
they have a natural beauty, they are alive, they give me a sense of peace with their stillness and their wise presence
and some of them clearly manifest happiness which is healing
I have just started my next book, after some debating on which one
Brené Brown –
Braving the wilderness, the quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alonealready on the first pages it touched a deep chord as if it was meant to be for me to read this NOW
I chose this one because of a striking personal review on amazon, and because I love Brené’s way
I participated to a wonderful online course she had created years ago…and it was extremely powerful
I hope everyone is having a serene week end
squirrelnutkin
Just wanted to say you write BEAUTIFULLY You have a real gift
I carefully read every word
You are writing your own book here
Also, you just described a plan of action.
You identified something that needed doing and someone is going to help you achieve it.
Then you will think of something else specific and maybe get another friend to help or support you.
That is going forward
Xxxx
Hello squirrelnutkin thank you so much
I wish I could put my energy into something truly creative…
I was very touched by your previous post,
every day I feel it is more clear I need to put a physical distance from the whole family shenanigans, because as much as I have been labouring at it, the inner distance is not quite there yet…
it just feels so painful, such a tear in my soul…but as I write this I realise that almost each interaction is a knife going in, and is another form of tearing up to pieces my heart, because there is almost never anything authentic, any connection, any looking into the eyes deeply and acknowledging each other…it is always a void, a desert
I need to find the courage, the stamina, the direction or maybe just the next step.
every time I just get sucked in, and even when I don’t get fully sucked in the pull is constant, incessant, from different parts and it is draining to resist, to navigate the “right” thing to do and not just react
even in these days nobody is interested in me, even my mother has started to ignore me, which is a record and she is blackmailing me saying my niece is very very sad because I was not there…
I also got another message in which I was told that my niece really wants to see me “hope all is well with you” (???????)
which is painful and guilt inducing and making me struggle as she is the only one I am so in pain I am not seeing….she may be sad for a number of reasons any way, so what is the point in trying to make me feel bad about it…she always has moments of melancholia in her, very lunar moments, where she kind of zones out elsewhere…plus this moving endlessly and having to make new friends and start all over every time (she is very shy) is tough. I know because I had the same life she is having. It is also exciting and mind opening and full of riches, but there is a price. Totally an extroverted life, which is fine if you are an extrovert….
I am trying to think of a way to see only her, maybe to bring her out to a park for an ice cream whatever, but I need to be able to get into the colourful space, I do not want to be fake like everyone is, but I also do not think it is ok to let any of my pain touch her…
I do not want her to feel me this way, she is extremely sensitive and I fear so much how much she may suffer growing up in this family where as a matter of fact sensitivity is close to zero, the psyche is apparently non existent, the inner world irrelevant, probably an invention…
all that matters is status, performance, appearance, formality, sparkly cocktail smiles (that’s what I imagine the masks to be) being rational and sensible
anyway, she is very much loved thankfully and there is a lot of care around her, a lot of dedication, in this she is lucky
so I am in the process of trying to find the right possible inner outer space to see her if possible….
I also got another message from another acquired relative asking me to hang out, probably because she is bored and also is not feeling well and everybody knows I am the one to turn to for that…I felt guilty for a moment, because she has done nothing wrong to me, but then I also thought that is yet going back into the same circus…I only saw her once in my life, and I cannot be her nanny these days as she is probably fed up (she is visiting here one part of the family)
so I have not answered yet but I will say no…
it seems to be not ok to say no…but I need to honour me
my niece is something else, my desire to see her comes from my heart and soul…I am just struggling still….plus she has tons of energy and not sure I can cope with that these days, I always do whatever she wants to do and this time around a bit scared to be able to
I did spend a couple of days at my friend last week
I am also trying to envision where I could go to take another tiny break, but it feels like a lot of work to organise even two days of getaway, with the mess on me….
that is also why I want to urgently fix the water system for the plants, so I can have one less burden on my mind if I do ever go anywhere.
so far today I have done a quick clean in the bathroom, I have brought the kitchen back to a filled up too full but clean space not much more on that front which is almost making me panic
I did take the time to re-start the first book to do the exercises this time around
so I am rereading it and underlining, which I did not do the first time…
there are mostly imagery exercises but also using crayons etc…so I took the time to do the first ones
I notice that I feel a sense of wellbeing when i am focusing on what is truly important to me, the inner work, the psyche, creativity, connecting
but there is this gnawing feeling – how can you possibly be playing around with colours when the house is in this state and your life is a disaster??”
it is extremely difficult to allow myself anything nurturing
and this again is more and more clear in my awareness
I need to find a balance between both
I want to live in a clean beautiful space for me, and not for some external a woman needs to be a good house maker standard which is SO strong in my culture
but the only way to take steps forward towards that is to honour my inner emotional deeper world
now it is supposedly past lunchtime, the idea of messing up the kitchen again is discouraging but I will try to do my best
and then I need to figure out the next step I can possibly make today
I have been reading Brené Brown last night and it is extremely significant as well…
I would spend all my time now if I could – envisioning – in a quiet space in nature (the sea would be a bonus, but no busy beach, just wildlife shore)
reading and visualising and colouring
it could probably be organised somehow…although this time of the year is busy and expensive…
but I am planting that seed in my mind…
ShedTheShame
bluesyjay, I’m so sorry to hear how the plans with your niece fell through. I can relate first hand to being given the silent treatment by my mother
we’re all doing the best we can with the awareness and information we have at the time. My mother lost her own mother when she was only 5 years old or so. She was never told her real birthdate and had to figure it out based on being told she was born about 15 days apart from a cousin. I’m happy to say my mother and I have been having the most wonderful times together when I visit
Don’t know how you feel about hypnosis, but
just 2 hours agoI experienced a most powerful watershed moment having to do with feeling loved. Yesterday a new Marisa Peer video showed up in my YouTube feed. In it, she does hypnosis with the group to remove blocks to abundance, success, and love. I did the hypnosis yesterday afternoon, and 15 hours later — BAM! There’s no harm in trying it. I’m SO glad I did. The hypnosis portion is about half an hour. The less I describe, the better, I think
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFERk9f_3cYhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFERk9f_3cY” class=”bbcode_url”> chaosqueen
I have not read everything so far, I will answer in bits and pieces as I go along. Quote:because I simply have nothing left in me to just go out there and be smiley playful give full attention to all
but I was probably secretly hoping they would finally get it, that something is really not well
How on earth is that supposed to work? You expect your family to come up to you and say:”You are so cheerful and attentive! Something must be wrong!”
I had a boyfriend who said:”I would love to be able to read your mind. I can’t. If you need something, you have to tell me.”
Yes. People who know us well and love us might be able to see we are wearing a mask, but some people out there put up an oscar worthy performance, add to that, that people want to believe that everything is alright with you for various reasons. Maybe your whole family is playing a game and no one dares to open up. In my extended family there have been 2 deaths that scream suicide, but as one was a car accident and the other an “undetermined cause of death” at a young age at a “special clinic” don’t ask me what, no one speaks about it and the simple fact that the passing of the person was hushed up and I kind of stumbled across it, thinking I was crazy for not remembering when in reality I was never told, tells me enough. You know what is best for you. If you can’t handle the circus, stay away, give yourself the space you need. The might be oblivious for your needs as they are so busy pretending all is well that they don’t even have the energy to look around and see how the others are doing You might even have someone in the family being jealous of you as you are always happy and seem to have no problems.
Quote:each time I go to the bathroom, there is a tiny space that gives me a sense of wellbeing,
I joined a 5 day declutter challenge a couple of weeks ago. Guess what I was 2 days behind from the start and never really got around to trying it, but the lady suggested to create a “happy place” a spot in your house that gives you good vibes when you pass it, or sit there or look at it! Well done! You figured that out all by yourself. She then suggest you create more happy places as you move along. It was never really about how to declutter. it was a more holistic approach in my opinion. How you see your self, your apartment, the words you describe for your apartment. I thought of her when you described the book you just finished. She suggest positive words, like my nickname here chaosqueen…a no go for her. Because according to her calling myself queen of the chaos I will create and keep the chaos to maintain my status even if it all happens on a subconscious level.
So now I read through and I think considering how poorly you are feeling you got quite bit done!
About playing with crayons. Play away. I have experienced first hand how much joy it gives me and that it is a way of GETTING BACK energy. IT is vital for you. You are not wasting time,you are refueling.
I once figured out how to upload pictures. Not sure how to do it now and I don’t have the patience to figure it out. I have never linked to my blog from here, but I shall make an exception for you
https://drowningchaosqueen.blogspot.com/2019/07/a-picture-for-you.html Hello Shedtheshame and CQ feeling very low energy and more depressed…
@Stsyou caught my last post before I deleted it….I was in such a meltdown of pain and anger and all the usual blah that it felt too negative and I also felt guilty, especially with my mother since our relationship is in an ok space, I have learnt to accept the way she is
I still struggle when she repeats certain things – like the silent treatment when I am in so much pain and she thinks it is inappropriate – I still go at times into places where there are past images of other things she did that are still extremely painful and that I am well aware have done major damage
I am well aware, and keep reminding myself, that we are all here doing what we can with what we have
that still does not make certain things ok or acceptable
but it it can sometimes put things into perspective
I will try the Marisa Peer hypnosis
I do have an issue as she does not convince me in my gut, what she says is all right and although not new to the point, it just instinctively does not “align” something about her does not click with me, so that may create a resistance for me…
but I will try
it is very difficult for me to take time and do anything like that…and I am prioritising my reading and doing the exercises on the other book
but I will check it out
and thank you for sharing, I know she resonates a lot with you and you find her helpful so I appreciate that…
@CQI will check your link thank you
thank you for sharing about you
I was turning my head around how I could possibly be true to myself and be out at a dinner in a restaurant with them
impossible
when I feel as I am feeling now, I just do not go, because I cannot fake it (they are all going out tonight for example)
if I can find the smallest ounce of armour, and a reason (my nieces for example) I will be present in body
I will be absent in soul except when interacting with my nieces, and for the rest doing the automatic pilot cocktail thing
(I never go to cocktails, but it just feels like a metaphor for socially fake smile and “appropriate” behaviour)
there already is my sister around, who each and every time will have some sort of meltdown, usually she feels sick in some sort of way (she is a hypochondriac, Woody Allen is nothing next to her) or she will start sighing very loudly and doing the sad eyes until someone notices her…
can’t compete with that can I?
I am making it comical but I have spent endless hours listening to her, trying to help her, hours on the phone, on skype in real, etc etc in all the years (she is 10 years older than me but I never had an older sister)
I know the malaise is deeper but the issues she wants to talk about are always BS things…would be too long to get into it now, I am not dismissing them but she is….
I may have not well expressed it in writing here, plus sometimes it is a mix of narrating our stories in bits and pieces, and a mix of hesitancy
I have not written about a lot of things
of course they all know very well about my depression, they just go into denial and ignore it which is the most toxic thing you can do
I guess what can sum it up is that
I attempted suicide when I was 19 and was in the hospital and nobody in the family ever spoke to me about it, they all acted as if it had never happened
not only that but I woke up in the hospital to major rage because I had ruined the holidays and this was shameful and nobody was supposed to know (there was extended family) and instructions…and bla bla bla
I remember I was very weak in the bed and in a fog and opened my eyes and saw anger and rage and what seemed to me like hatred and all this anger was thrown at me and the instructions and all I could think was “why did you just not let me die, this is hell, this is worse)
before that when I was 10 I also tried but nobody knows about that and I did not follow through, but I remember it was not a tantrum or excessive reaction to something, I was extremely wounded about my life and how I kept feeling hatred around me and closed myself in a bathroom when nobody was home with a knife…but I did not follow through
they do not know about the early one, I just put the knife back and something else inside my closed down, shut off…
but they know about the hospital…
and that since then I have always been battling struggling fighting just to be alive
It has taken me all my life, and I am still struggling to understand that for some mysterious reason they cannot grasp that this is real, they cannot “feel” it see it, even when they have seen me without the strength to stand up, and verbalising my despair
plus, I have always been a good communicator and have tried with each one of them in every way to have a real relationship, not only about my pain of course.
impossible
I have sent videos on depression, I have asked my father, around 19, after the fact, to read a novel that explained, he dissed the novel as some sort of BS, he made a joke about the videos on depression
he never “got” anything and his reactions always made me feel worse, I was trying desperately to reach him thinking that maybe someone else’s words would reach him…nothing
could go on a lot
I explicitly asked for help, said I was drowning, once to both my parents, I remember a blank fog….nothing, no reaction, uneasiness… a sense of shame
sometimes my mother would cry saying what did they do wrong with me and then I had to console her and make her feel ok…
I am the broken one…
I was told I am weak, wrong, that I need to will my way out of it, be productive (I did get my post graduate but that did not seem to change anything as they assumed)
I keep getting the reaction that this is some sort of thing I am “inventing” creating on my own
it’s not really real, as an “organic” physical sickness with blood tests and scans to prove it would be
which could be one of the reasons at some point the hoarding started
that is visible tangible
but it still seems like some sort of stupid BS
my father laughed about it when I tried to tell him, as if I was nuts, what’s the big deal? what are you even talking about?
last year after over 40 years for the first time my brother asked me what was going on with me, we went out to lunch
he was about to leave for another continent, so his aloofness was safe, he could do the grand gesture, after 4 years of having been in the same city and never once having asked me anything about my life, he had to check the “ask sister how she is” box and this only happened because I snapped back at him once after 4 years
I told him the truth
he has always been protected because he is the “man” and the youngest
he seemed concerned and as if he cared, I felt it was such a miracle
then he left
in one year he has never again asked me how I am
never a phone call not even a text nothing
as if we never spoke
I kept telling myself he was busy
but it still clashed with the photos of swimming pools and drinks, trips to the beach and parties…
yes he is busy….
I wrote him a message yesterday, he is not responding… he is in the city for a few days (the least possible; he needs to go to the beach, to the well earned holidays of a productive man with status and a family)
I was told I am harsh, I do feel harsh now, my words are hard when I describe
but they are quite accurate
I feel ashamed in writing this
don’t know if I will manage to leave it,
I do feel harsh and bitter
and this is not who I know myself to be
I do not want to be harsh and bitter
yesterday after seeing my niece – which I did in the end and it was lovely and sort of broke my heart in a good way, because I will not see her again in maybe a year, I felt a crack in my protective thing and wrote to my brother – usual desert.
sometimes I go into a place where they all seem crazy to me, I do not understand how they all live emotionally
then I think but wait they “function” they have families and good jobs and money and houses and holidays and so on
so I must be crazy
I know it is neither we are different
they are not bad people, they really do the best I can and I am just painting of course only a part of the picture, that is coloured by my pain
I am aware that my wounding makes me colour things worse, yet I try to cling to every little scrap of something
and there is almost ever anything truly
it is hell
yet this is the hell I grew up in and the only hell I have ever known for a long time
we were always moving so I did not have an outside positive counterpart because everything good I could connect to outside I had to leave
I am still struggling to find a way to hold them in my heart without them pulling out knives and tearing it to pieces
I know I need to do an internal summersault inside me and switch my view and let go and find the right distance and accept them as they are and accept what has happened in the past and what has never been there and will never be
I need to move on to my real authentic soul world and repopulate it
my best friend died
my dog died
and these were the two most important emotional presences in my life
i am extremely slow at moving on
creating new bonds
and letting go of dysfunctional ones
but there is a whole world that has a soul and is able to feel it and connect to it
You are moving on in your own way. Putting everything into words is the first step. When you read what you have written down, then you start to acknowledge it. I wonder if you re read what you write after a few months. It might be too painful but if you do you will recognise patterns and cycles.
You are continually trying to find ways to connect with your family, but this doesn’t work.
This is exhausting you, emotionally then physically.
You are never going to get what you want or need from them.
You are like a tiny beach dinghy banging on the side of a huge oil tanker. Using up all your energy, banging on the side of the hull, but no one hears and it makes no impact.
You probably feel that you are screaming very loudly but they don’t hear.
I have this experience. That’s you and me, and lots of other people I would guess. Trouble is we feel ashamed and odd blaming ourselves because “Family is everything” is pushed so hard in the media and on social media etc.
Well, family can also be very toxic.
You need to invest your caring energy in your friends who sound lovely, and in yourself.
Have you ever spoken to anyone who goes on and on and about their wonderful daughter, son etc and then you find out that the wonder daughter etc hasn’t been home or seen them for five years …..
Keep a line of communication open but respond with friendly,polite but short messages. Don’t engage.
I have had to advise more people than you would expect to adopt this approach.
Don’t fuel your sister’s attention-seeking behaviour.Don’t let anyone dump their emotional baggage on you.
You need to set healthy boundaries for yourself. Don’t tolerate bad behaviour towards you.
They all sound perfectly able to take care of themselves. They all have the quality of selfishness which is essential to self preservation.
You have remarkable kindness and tolerance and unfortunately your family abuse this.
You have described 2 suicide attempts, both occurred in the context of the “loving” family.
Stop reaching out to family. I agree they are probably no worse or better than most of us, but they are causing you SERIOUS harm.
At least take a break from them.What you describe about having to adopt another persona when you are with them is tearing you apart because it conflicts you as you are a genuine person and truth matters to you lots.
You are very mean to yourself but very kind to everyone else here.
Reach out to your friends.
Don’t let your family use your niece as blackmail to get to you. I find it hard to believe that your niece would have said or done some of the things reported to you, without a lot of prompting or encouragement to do so.
Most children live in the present so only think about what is happening that day, or even that afternoon.
I am thinking of you in the house near the sea or lake looking out at the wildlife on the water.
I have given you a large room full of light, maybe with windows floor to ceiling or at least very big normal windows.
I am selecting items in it for you from all the lovely stuff I suspect you have tucked away where you live at the moment.
The back wall of the room is full of your books.
The wall on the other side of that (in a hallway maybe) is lined with wooden doors and when you open them, you will see they hide shelves that are the length of the wall. On these shelves are plastic storage boxes all the same that fit the shelves perfectly. On each box there is a label “Bluesyjay’s fabric stache” and “Bluesyjay’s colouring book stache” “Bluesyjay’s skincare products” “Bluesyjay’s bits of ribbon, cord, tape, string”.
See, I gave you a box for each category of stuff.
Then you can come along and “shop” what you need then close the doors and have lots of empty, open space again.
Hope you don’t mind, but I recycled all your cardboard. I made myself do this.
It was very difficult to let go all my beautiful boxes of every shape and size.
But some had got stained somehow, and started to smell odd.
Worked out that if I wanted to move somewhere, then my cardboard collection would have taken up X number of car loads.
I visited the local recycling centre and was strangely reassured by the huge HUGE skip full of cardboard. Apparently one skip is filled everyday and it goes straight off to be recycled (again).
So that’s why we have to recycle the cardboard otherwise it is just sitting there waiting for miss mouse to come along and nibble.
I decided I am moving within a few years. When you decide this, you start to view where you are living differently and this change of mindset might help you discard and recycle stuff.
I want to go somewhere just like you described.
I am having water with lemon juice with you in the morning, then I am taking out a bag of rubbish and doing the washing up with Nana, then concentrate on what’s coming in the house with CQ.
Next time I will tell you how excited I got to see the huge skip at the local recycling centre full of hard plastic (like washing up bowls, buckets and plastic boxes that have cracked etc)
Xxxxx
THANK YOUALL THREE OF YOU
I am totally drained today, have been crying most of it and unable to do anything except keep the bathroom and kitchen clean, keep up with laundry
tomorrow my friend is coming
I tried to move it again because it is supposed to rain, he said he will come anyway and if it rains he will leave (he knows I am trying to avoid this)
this gives me immense anxiety, I would have normally done a sort of panic stash
but there is no place to stash and the reason he is coming is exactly because of the hoard
I am letting ago hoping not to drown in shame
I came back here because I wanted to look at the link from
CQand listen to the hypnosis from
StSand I found your incredible message
squirrelnutkinI am crying again
@CQTHANK YOUTHE FLOWER IS LOVELY
@squirrelnutkinI do not have a printer or I would have printed this out
thank you for all you have writtenfor the beautiful imagery
I need to read this many times
and let it sink in
I want to move as well
what keeps blocking me (apart from all the family stuff) is the economical part
which I know however, is connected to all the other stuff
I am receiving no economical energy because of the same blockage
and all of this has mostly blocked me from imagining my new home really
I do have it quite clear in my mind
I have two versions, one is in a city
the other is by the sea
as I do not know how things can turn out
I need to believe it is possible and nurture these images more
thank you thank youI am wishing you a lot hard plastic let go joy
I will now try to follow the hypnosis from Shedtheshame
thank you, all of you
@ShedtheshameI just did the hypnosis…and I wanted to ask you and share, without giving “spoilers”
I did not feel any resistance, because she made me laugh in the intro
I think I feel uncomfortable with her, which is not surprisingly part of my problem with money,
because she ALWAYS refers to all her rich clients and jetset
I feel uneasy with the showing off part
and with the part in which she continuously promotes herself,
which I am unable to do
so those are my resistances to her
I did cringe a moment when she again referred to her extremely rich clients, because she never fails to mention them
I always wonder where is the golden way of being humble yet not broke, of being spiritual yet wealthy
I am perfectly aware that if I was able to live at ease and wealthy I could be more and give more and share more
and help more
anyway
so I felt at the moment I did not have the resistance
BUT
I was absolutely unable to see ANYTHING
and I am usually very visual
I could not focus on any image, I could hear words floating around that i had heard but could not connect them to specific times, or see an image
I did feel I was deep in though so not sure what was going on
I totally went blank
I had a hard time – as I always do – initially even remembering where I was in the world at certain age or another, what country I was in, what house…
then when she moved on to another phase of the hypnosis I was crying very deeply
I wonder…about my total going blank
I may try do this again?
thank you for sharing it
squirrelnutkin, such a lovely post :!: Beautiful writing that created soothing imagery
bluesyjay, I’m glad you tried the hypnosis and didn’t feel resistance. Sorry it didn’t bring up images for you. I was surprised how quickly things popped up for me — things I hadn’t thought about in 40+ years. I know she brings up her well-to-do clients often, but I see that as her way of conveying how even people who seem to have it all together share the same struggles as everyone else. She’s successful in what she does and earns a good living for it. I aspire to have that kind of self-confidence and sense of self-worth when I grow up
:lol: I appreciate that she doesn’t just have pay-for programs. She gives away some of her materials for free, and I’ve benefited from them a LOT.Interesting that although you couldn’t focus on specific images… you cried very deeply. Did you have any sense of why that was when it happened? I’m curious to know how it goes if you try doing the hypnosis again.
I’ve cried many tears during hypnosis — much needed tears of
release. bluesyjay wrote:
I am perfectly aware that if I was able to live at ease and wealthy I could be more and give more and share moreand help more
I’ve often had this thought. While working on my presentation this past week, the topic of “When-Then” thinking came up. “
WhenI’m financially secure… thenI can let go of things. Whenmy house is cleared of clutter… thenI will be happy.” But When-Then thinking requires certain conditions to be met. If I don’t become financially secure and I don’t get my house cleared of clutter… I cannot let go of things 
:now, despite the clutter. I’m working on it! I haven’t done the hypnosis yet, not even sure why. I wonder if I am afraid more of failing or of changing ? hahahah BJ could it be that you couldn’t see any pictures cause there was way too much? you said you couldn’t for that moment even remeber in which country you lived at that age? Could it be that you feel you have no roots? Nothing is ever permanent and that the constant shifting is what causes you to hang on to all your things? so you have some constant in your life?
Squirrelnutkin you are using lots of tools I learned in therapy! So awesome to see they work for others, too. I need to especialyl make use of the bring some one along tool. It is really powerful!
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